Thank you, Truelove. Same to you, and to everyone here.
Nothing much to update in regards to my situation. I can share one thing, though. I have a friend who is a young guy; very intelligent person. He knows my story from start to present and has been helpful in showing me ways to handle it, etc. I should note he is also a psychologist. He has told me that I should challenge my H's guilt at this point. It is important to note that what he's suggesting is NOT something I would want new posters to try on their MLC'ers that have just entered replay. My friend realizes that the crazy, manic replay behavior I witnessed has passed, and H has calmed down much, in addition to realizing that he made a terrible mistake by leaving and having the A. My friend has suggested that H is not acting in either direction because he doesn't have to. That I'm allowing H to continue to avoid making a concrete choice because I make it ok for H to do this. I'm being too easy on him. That men respond better when forced to do something and DEAL with the guilt instead of avoiding it, which he thinks H is doing now. In other words, my friend suggests that I tell H that yes, he made some very bad choices and really screwed up our marriage but it's time to decide and deal with it. Clean it up. No more being passive. Either we are going to work on being together, or I'm letting him go and we won't be together again, period. That includes cutting all contact, not being his friend (i.e. taking calls from H and being the wife/counselor role). No more. Make him deal with this now that he knows it was a mistake to go. I have not acted upon this but I've given it much thought. I wondered what others here have to say about it. My friend (remember, he is male) said that men respond much better to this approach, rather than just knowing I'm sort of out there, still wishing to get back w/him someday, etc. Allowing it to drag on and on, my H will never face up with what he did and start to make amends within himself...because NO ONE IS FORCING HIM TO. Thoughts?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope as you know I have not experienced this myself BUT several posters and people that I email from this BB who have done just that are now either reconciling or making strides to do just that.
What have you got to loose?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I have nothing to lose, as you suggested. I didn't do anything right away in regards to this because I wanted time to think about it. My friend is very wise in regards to these things and I know he would never intentionally steer me wrong. And, it actually does make sense. Letting H idle is not helping him or me. Now that he's seen the errors of his ways it's time to fish or cut bait. The other thing my friend told me is that this would be an entirely different attitude coming from me, and it would shake H awake a bit. He wouldn't be expecting me to act like this; he thinks he can take his sweet time because I'll never insist on anything else. The more I consider what my friend had to say, the more sense it makes. I won't say anything before Christmas but I'm seriously thinking of having a conversation with H along these "take charge" lines. Interesting to me, A, that you know of several people that tried this (at the right time, of course) and are now seeing some motion forward.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You are sounding good and very much in control of your emotions. That is a good thing and as you have said we are much better off than we were 1 year ago.
OK, I think you wanted a Male perspective on everything So I will try and give you my opinion. Oh course this is just my opinion and probably does not come directly from the "how to deal with a MLCer playbook"
Quote: That includes cutting all contact, not being his friend (i.e. taking calls from H and being the wife/counselor role). No more. Make him deal with this now that he knows it was a mistake to go.
I think we all came to a place of putting an Ultimatum out there for our WAS..... I think the big part of this is that you are prepared to follow-thru with cutting all ties.
I can tell you as a Man, that yes, what your friend has said is right..... We need to be hit over the head with a brick to understand the reality of the situation. Maybe doing this will shake his world enough to get his to "wake up" If he knows you are still there, as you have said, he can continue to just "exist" in his little world.
Quote: Allowing it to drag on and on, my H will never face up with what he did and start to make amends within himself...because NO ONE IS FORCING HIM TO.
And you know Hope this is also about you and what you need.... Sometimes we "baby" our WAS/MLCers... But with everything in life their comes a time when one must
"sh*t or get of the pot"
I think were you are at and from what has happened My advice in a nut shell would be.
"What do you have to loose"
Honestly, Even if you do this I don't feel that is will effect the possible return of your H someday. But what it will do is "free" YOU.
I can tell you as a Man, that yes, what your friend has said is right..... We need to be hit over the head with a brick to understand the reality of the situation. Maybe doing this will shake his world enough to get his to "wake up" If he knows you are still there, as you have said, he can continue to just "exist" in his little world.
mda,
Thank you. This is exactly what my friend said. He also told me that I may not like the outcome, but at least I'll have an answer, although he added he felt in his opinion that my H still loves me very much and I might be surprised as to what would happen if I did this.
You are also right in what you said about being ready to follow through with no contact anymore if need be. It may make me very sad, but I might actually have reached this point.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Your friend's approach worked in my situation and brought H back home. Unfortunately, neither of us were healthy enough to work constructively on the R. I didnt issue an ultimatum, but did make it clear that I was moving on and he needed to make a decision and stick with it. Dr. Dobson wrote a book "Love Must Be Tough" and it might be a good reference for you. He talks about setting boundaries and making it clear that while we love our S, we won't succumb to be treated poorly. It's a matter of self respect. How can you respect someone who allows you to abuse them? He also says a lot about how to love and not chasing/pursuing our S because that pushes them away. Kinda like DB, except he strongly suggests that there is a limit to what we should take, and it's important that we set limits and protect ourself.
Sometimes the hardest part is the decision. I know that's been the case for me. When I was wallowing in confusion not knowing whether I could try again with H it was difficult to see which way to go. Either way I turned, I could see the obstacles and the pain ahead. Once I made the decision it was easier to accept walking in to the pain and doing the work because I had embraced my decision. Your H has no idea where he's going to end up. Are you allowing his indecision to keep you on an unknown path also? What does Hope want?
As you know I too did that. I finally got fed up and let h have it with both barrels. He went in hiding for a couple of weeks but that is when he said he couldn't take it anymore and is finally seeing a C. Like the other posters have said, what do you have to loose?
Your H has no idea where he's going to end up. Are you allowing his indecision to keep you on an unknown path also? What does Hope want?
Piglet,
SO good to hear from you again. Thank you for sharing what you did. As to the portion of your post that I copied above, the answer is, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. The reason is this: I'd much prefer working on my marriage and being with H again over anyone else. I can say that there are a few people that seem to be interesting and nice individuals that have shown interest in me, and I might be inclined to move on, see what new path I might take with someone else if I knew for sure H and I were over for good. Not to suggest that I have to be with anyone; I don't. I'm just saying I don't want to begin something else if my marriage might be saved. I just don't know what words to use to H if I take the stand. I suppose something along the lines of, "It's been a long time now; you know what happened and why, and you know I forgave you for it, but we have to decide if we are going to try to work things out now or not, because if we aren't I'm going to stop contact with you, only in emergencies, and move on. I don't want to keep waiting for something that's never going to happen." The thing is to not come off angry and bitter, which I am not, but self-assured and serious.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I would never begin to give you advice as all our sitch's are somewhat different. I just want to say one thing. The Conway's and my pastor both basically say the same thing: If you push you have to be prepared for this to blow up in your face.
I think if he chooses to D you will be devestated. You just need to prepare yourself that it could go that way. If I pushed my H right now I'm sure that is what would happen and so I'm not at that point.
I also agree that you can't let them live in la la land forever. Because I think men do like to cake-eat.
So all that being said, just be sure you can handle either outcome before you do anything.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
I was thinking along the lines of what Sun posted. For me, it is still a struggle to learn the difference between setting my own boundaries and issuing ultimatums. I believe there is a proper time for both, but for me it is hard to get the message right and the time right.
One thing is for sure...I personally hate to be on the receiving end of an ultimatum, so your H might not like it either.
About your psychologist friend...I'm surprised he would generalize so much as to suggest all men respond a certain way to a certain stimulus. That seems really unlikely to me.
Anyway, the best advice I know is to pray for unbiased guidance!
