Something may be happening

[hopefloats7]

So, to update my personal nightmare, H has been incommunicato for a couple of weeks and this is unusual for him. I had emailed a couple of times, which I know he read, but received no reply from him for a while. Then, I received an email saying that he was sorry for not keeping in touch but this had been a difficult month, and he did not feel like talking. He said he wasn't mad at me but had brought everything upon himself and he was very mad about it. But not at me.
Well, perhaps the holidays are making me overly sentimental, because I did send a couple of texts during the last week, and telling him I did miss him and still would like to hear from him, etc.
This morning, he sent a text that said again, he was sorry, but he didn't want to talk. I asked, "To me at all? Or just about our situation? Because I miss talking to you about general things, and am not looking to bring up our relationship."
So he called this morning and we talked for about an hour. Not about us or what we are going to do, but just a myriad of other things: our families, the holidays (he's done no decorating whatsoever), his straining financial binds, my job, our pets, etc. He is still very upset about the mess he put himself in and does not blame me at all. He still goes to work and works out, so he's keeping those constants. He told me his plans for Christmas eve/day and they include staying with his father at his house overnight, so that means (if he's being honest) that he isn't planning to spend the holiday with ow or anyone along those lines. Of course, I have no way of knowing if that's actually true.
He didn't say he missed me or anything, but I have to wonder, why the shutting out all of the sudden? Yes, he did actually call me today, but he hasn't wanted to talk to me at all, and it's nothing I've done to instigate that. We aren't arguing or anything.
Is this the beginning of withdrawal now?

[aid]

My guess would be that the depression is getting more of a hold of him. I know when I get really depressed (over this mess), I often shut everybody out. I usually send emails saying that I'm find but don't want to talk.

I think he's hitting a new stage of this mess, which is good. If he's finally getting to that point of depression and despair, he'll reach a point where he has to find his way out of it. Right now, he doesnt' know how to do that.

[Holly06]

My guess would be withdrawl. He is figuring things out. That sort of explainds his good bye to you, from your visit.
I heard some advice this week that made me think of your sitch Hope. MLC takes even longer than you think it should.
Are YOU ready for what ever may come next?
I know what we are all hoping for, but just prepare for lots of things, OK?
The holidays are very hard on these men.
Holly

[hopefloats7]

aid, Holly,

Thanks for your opinions. I'm just not sure what lies ahead with H anymore. It's a guessing game at best.
Holly, to answer your question, I don't know how to be ready for what comes next when I have no idea what that might be, but I can tell you I will handle it with as much dignity, patience and understanding as possible.
I agree with you: the holidays are a very hard time for them. I picture H living in the house, no decorations, no lighted tree, no wonderful baking aromas coming from the kitchen anymore. It must be very depressing and the most un-Christmaslike holiday he's had. At least last year, I was living in the house by myself and I did decorate it, and put up a tree.
I know it might be advisable not to, but I am sending H and puppy a few gifts this week. Nothing at all like I would have normally done for H, but I did get him a couple of things. I'm expecting nothing in return, and that's what Christmas is all about anyway, so I don't see this being a bad step to take. I told H to be expecting a package from me.
I've read some other stories on the board in the last day, and I can relate to the poster whose exH told her recently how he would have never left, etc. had he the chance to do this all over again. My H is not nearly as far along in the MLC process as that man, but he has told me the same thing. I don't know if that bears any weight on my situation, but the realization that H made some terrible choices has already happened in my case. He's openly told me this many times. So, to those of us that are newer here, believe it when we tell you that it will take a lot of time but they will eventually figure out that they made a mistake. There were times last year that I never believed my H would, but he did.

[job]

Hope,
Your h is experiencing a bout of severe depression and withdrawal. When they are this way, they want to be left alone. Please stop contacting him for a while. Allow him to come to you when he's feeling up to it.

If you have been over on the 40/60 forum, Newman posted that there a few months in the year when individuals are more prone to be depressed--October - December. My guess is because there are numerous holidays whereby people are happy and jolly and want to do the family thing. Also, this is a time when the sun isn't the strongest as well. Your h has been depressed and somewhat withdrawn for a while. Now, it's hitting him a bit harder and he'll be like this throughout the holiday. He needs this time to himself to think and heal.

Give him the time and space to heal. Trust me, he will contact you when he has the need to. For now, step back and give him the space he needs to reflect back on the past and the mess he's created. Once this pocket of depression lifts a bit, he'll be a bit better and more chatty.

I hope your holidays are happy ones, despite what you are going through.

[hopefloats7]

snodderly,
My thanks as always to you for your wise advice. I do wonder if a person can be traveling through a severe bout of depression while still maintaining their employment (H has always been dedicated & responsible in this area, first and foremost), continuing to work out and partake in races (he runs), and things along these lines?

I suppose the answer is that everyone is unique, and it's probably possible. Of course, most of us are looking for the cliche' situation where we find out our H's have locked themselves in their bedrooms and won't come out for weeks because they have fallen into a dark depressive state. Maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

The holidays make me crazy. On the one hand, I spend a lot of time w/family who are wonderful and we make the most out of this time of year. But then there are moments that I am alone in my apt. and feeling so sad as I look at my tree, and think about H, wishing we were together to enjoy the holidays the way we used to. The reality check is that right now he isn't capable of enjoying them, and I do know this. I guess it's like grieving for someone that has passed away in a sense, because those happier days are not even possible right now.

I really wish I knew what goes on inside his mind as far as where he sees himself taking this situation. If he knows for sure that he never sees himself with me again, ever, then I wish he'd come out and say so. I can take it. I just want to know.

[job]

You don't want to know what is going on inside of his head. His thoughts are bouncing off the walls and he's very sad and unhappy w/life. He's got to figure things out and right now, the upstairs attic is a mess of jumbled thoughts. His compass is way off and until that is straigthened out, you'll not get an answer as to whether or not he wants to reconcile w/you.

Actually, Hope, people can shut down their thought processes in one area and focus on another. Your h may be a prime example of this. He's wearing a mask to work and it's taking a lot of energy to do so or he's working, but he's not up to his full potential. Time will tell on this one. I work w/several severely depressed individuals and it's a very difficult struggle for them to function in the work place.

The holidays will make you crazy unless you can find something to take your mind off of the situation. You are going through the grieving process and it all takes time. In a sense, you are grieving for something that has died (relationship), but you've not had closure on the situation. It's an open wound and it's going to take a lot of determination on your part to start healing that wound.

My advice is to leave him alone, allow him to come to you when he's ready. As for you, keep the focus on yourself and stop looking for signs of him wanting to return--it's entirely too soon for him to be making overtures about this. He's not ready to think about recommitting and yes, he's got a long ways to go yet. He's got to hit bottom and he's not there yet. His crisis is not going to be a short one because he's been fighting it for a while and now he needs to be left alone to face those demons w/o your contact to distract him from this important task.

If you want to wish him a pleasant holiday season, do so, but do not contact him again for a while. This is now the season to allow him the peace and quiet to suffer through this bout of depression. In time, he will resurface again and you'll hear from him. Trust in God, for he will take care of him.

[hopefloats7]

(sigh)

Of course you are right, snodderly, and I know I have to leave him be. What's so discouraging is that pretty soon I'll be coming up on TWO YEARS since this all started happening (at least the obvious replay stage). Of course, he's not at all acting so much like the manic, arrogant, crazy person he was back in the beginning. But still, it's been so long already. I had hoped for some progress by now.

As for the mask, I do believe you are right. And strangely enough, I think he's taken it off for me on several occasions. I don't know who else he's shown his true colors to. He's told me before that he likes going to work because at least for those hours he doesn't have to think about his miserable life and the bad choices he's made. But then (this is a quote) when he gets into his car and has to go home for the day, he's very unhappy again.

I may be very sad myself but thankfully I don't have any guilt or self-hatred over any poor choices regarding this relationship.

[Holly06]

Hope,
I am glad you notices that what I said is only an oppinion. That is SO health!
You are wonderful. I think you are a wonderful human being.
Holly

[princess_nic]

Hope,

I may be very sad myself but thankfully I don't have any guilt or self-hatred over any poor choices regarding this relationship.

Yes, and that is a blessing. I am so happy to hear that you feel this way, and are not blaming yourself.

Please do not take his withdrawal as a "bad sign." I know it is easy to do that, but as Snodderly says, you don't know what's going on with him. It seems like it's the LBS's first instinct to take it personally, but that's not necessarily the truth. Lately, I have not felt like talking to my H. I have so much other stuff in my life to deal with-kids, house, work-that I don't have the emotional energy to put into him right now. But it doesn't mean that I don't love him. I've just been confused about what I want.

Your H could be feeling the same way. He's probably so into his own issues that he just can't even think about the two of you. Or when he does, he's so guilt-ridden that he chooses to put it out of his head.

Please, Hope, do not let him suck you into his black hole. One of you in there is enough! Be with people who love you this Christmas; there must be many of them.

~Nicola