11th hour Help!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Only,

I don't know what state you are in, but I suggest you try very hard to have physical custody (call it "joint") of the children. Don't be surprised if W agrees also. That's fine, why should the kids have to be exposed to her "episode" at their age(s)? I'm unclear how many kids you have. I am serious about the custody issue. In MOST states there is NO presumption favoring the mother, if the kids are over 6 or 7 and ALL the states SAY the test is what is best for the kids. ( Yes, I am an attorney, but still, a nice person.....and no, thank God, I am not a D L, but I know a little about it, sadly, due to MY circumstances and some sisters of mine). So don't assume she gets them and even if she does, I strongly believe, that you can get 50% custody AT LEAST....given your children's comments and the courts' willingness to ask them what THEY want. They feel rejected by their mother right now, and that is a deep wound. In my sitch, even with many reconciliatory moves by my H, I worry about the damage he has done to his R's with the kids, especially our d17. He chose a job elsewhere (his Task, his Mission, if you will) instead of being around for her junior and senior years of high school, and that has hurt her and she has expressed that. Ouch.

Too bad about the menopausal reaction she had---but don't think it hasn't crossed her mind. She does sound as if she is in MLC. Here are a FEW ways you can diagnose mlc from a WAW, but none of this is certain science.

Has she recently reached a certain age? 35/40/45/50 seems to be the ranges and milestones this attracts. Is her behavior substantially different than the first 3/4 of your M, or more? Does she seem "out of character"? Secretive? Distracted?

Depression is another sign but it goes both ways and has its' own issues IF it is the underlying reason for leaving, versus being a symptom.

If she is in MLC there is a lot of hope, and if she thinks she is a WAW, she may be wrong and regardless, none of this is hopeless. FYI, two relatives of mine even got divorced from their spouses, in very different circumstances from each other, but BOTH couples remarried some years later, and had good 2nd Ms with each other.....crazy....I used to be just a tad embarassed by their actions, but I now realize i ought be shouting that from the rooftops on this bb.

SO, point being, there really is ALWAYS hope, til one of you lays the other into the hands of God...

Yes, please read the Five Love Languages immediately, ALONG WITH DB BOOKS. Since DBing, the 2=3 books that have helped me the most are
Marianne Williamson's "Return to Love" which helps a LOT with losing anger and also helps with forgiveness. We LBSers MUST forgive for 2 reasons: no other way to save the M, and 2nd, our anger will consume US and make US miserable....so regardless of whether the WAS "deserves" our forgiveness, or even knows of it, we have to do it for ourselves. And our children need to learn how to do it, and we are their role models. Williamson has some exercises in her books, (I have the CD version) about HOW TO do this, and even the gimmicky ones have helped me. For example, in every shower I took for one month, I'd say out loud, "God, I turn over my M and all the pain of it, to YOU", about 100 times, literally. Also, "told" my H, though he was not actually there, that I forgave him. I said this every time I thought he'd call. I would say it 30 times, out loud. Maybe it's goofy but it Helped calm me down and not spew my rage onto him, which btw, no matter how justified, NEVER ONCE helped our M.......But God knows I thought if I was "right" to be angry, then the anger simply HAD to be expressed.....brilliant strategy, which never ever produced good results...sometimes we can be so stupid. But not HERE!!

OTHER BOOKS by Marianne Williamson that helped ( so many of hers helped me--about anger especially) is THE GIFT OF CHANGE, which made me feel so much better about the possibility of life without H, and of life with H but with a VERY different, Good M...... So you know, Williamson is too "new agey" for some, (but I'm Catholic and had no problem). And now, the Five Love Languages, which is allowing me to see that H HAS loved me many times I did not recognize his language of love, and MAYBE unbeknownst to him, I have loved him as best I could. These are eye openers.

One quote and I gotta go, this is from FLL.

***THE NEED TO FEEL LOVED BY ONE'S SPOUSE IS AT THE HEART OF MARITAL DESIRES.***
(by
Gary Chapman) Seems so simple.....

good luck, and keep on posting, hurting, venting, etc. b/c this is THE place for it.
j-