I feel I've had enough

[kaydeekay]

Update:

H did finally make contact with me on New Year's day. (I think he private called me at 3:00 in the morning. It could only have been him since I was with my friends). H called me and we had a friendly chit chat. He called back immediately and asked if I wanted to have sex . It had been awhile for me and I told him sure.

During the act H asked "Why do we always end up having sex?" I told him that I didn't know. Afterwards H left and said he would call (which he didn't and I didn't expect it).

H started calling me for the next couple of days just to say hi or to see how I was doing. Friday evening he calls to let me know that child support would be a week late and we had a decent convo. He tells me things like: "I still know your social security number" and he rattles it off. Reminded me of my age (I'm 42 he's 36) and I joked to him "No, I'm actually 38, sorry I lied to you all those years." Asks me how old my parents are and how they are doing. Tells me with every monthly bonus check (around 90 bucks) he receives he will put in savings and by next Christmas he will give me the whole thing. It was little things like that kinda made me ask myself why is he telling me these things?

After we hung up, I realized that I had forgotten to tell him that I'm planning on filing the D papers. This is not what I want, but I feel there's no other choice. I called his cell and there was no answer (he was still at work). I left a VM and told him that by the end of the month I would file the papers and I would let him know when it happened, and I could drop by his work or he could come by my house to pick the filed petition up. I had a friendly tone in my voice and it was not hateful or sarcastic sounding at all. H never did call me back to let me know he received the VM.

Later that night I started thinking over the past two years and what I had gone through. I started crying and knew that I could not go on like this anymore. So I sent H a TM saying "I'm sorry for everyting I did wrong. I still love you with all my heart, but I can't live like this anymore. Don't call me. It hurts me every time. Let me go please."

I'm struggling with my heart right now. Did I do the right thing? H lives with a friend of ours less than 3 miles away from me and not once has he asked me to come over. I don't even know which apartment he lives in, only the location. H has only had D13 over once and this was on Christmas day for about 3 hours.

I can't take the friendly phone calls anymore. I guess I'm wanting more and wanting H to snap out of it. I question why does he want to be friends with me, have sex with me, but doesn't want me anymore than just that?

I also question myself, am I filing for D just to get a reaction from him or am I really doing this because I don't see an end to this (H going through the revoloving door of my heart). I really love my H but at times I feel he doesn't love me.