Welcome to my world...the world where the LBS doesn't cling, but the MLCers smothers himself in glue and chases the LBS.
I don't know that it is a rare form of MLC. I think more would be this way except that the LBS either won't put up with it and isn't Standing or is the one still pursuing.
Boundaries are key. Rather than becomeing frustrated because he tried to break the boundaries...expect such things. These are tests and evidnece that he doesn't want to be away...incessantly trying to contact you.
Yesterday Sweetheart left the OW's and was walking to her parents three houses away...he used that time away from her to call me.
Like your MLCer Sweetheart has come home multiple times. I put up a no-contact and he just leaves messages or sends texts.
What I haven't had is a problem with him breaking dates. He stalls things...but he goes out of his way to see me.
But it is true...they get scared when they feel or show positive feelings for us...and retreat. Rather than question this, accept it. Not easy, but we aren't going to make it go away...so put on a Toga because when in Rome...
I recommend you stop the dates. You don't have to be through. Fortunately he doesn't have an OW presently...so dating is not inappropritate. But he is clearly taking advantage. Tell him you will schedule something with him when he shows you he is willing to be approiate, show you the proper respect and show up.
Now the part of that I don't have is the key thing...what will he do to show you? I don't know. Go dark and see what he does.
So he came in the unlocked door...if locked he doesn't have a key then? Lock the door. If you don't mind him coming over and he does tell you he needs to come to the house...make plans to leave--an hour or more before he is scheduled. Just go to the Library of you have no where else.
I did that and it drove Sweetheart nuts wondering about my busy life.
Boundaries are tough...as soon as you set them, he tests. This is when it's perhaps most important to be strog regarding those boundaries. You've seen the testing already...anger, begging, button-pushing, niceness--to wiggle into good graces.
Be firm. Then when he accuses you of being cold and having no emotions...tell him you are sorry he feels that way. You can also tell him your tactic here...I seem this way because I am protecting my heart.
Through dark phases he may also need a lot of reassurances. He may be like LBSs are when it seems the MLCer is so certain he wants out. The LBS sees the mean and retreating behaviour...the avoidance etc. and beleives it really is hopeless...he doesn't love me.
But MLCers in this role are a bit luckier because we LBSs who have pursuers are aware of our behaviour and are choosing to stay deliberately and because of our love...rather than because we are so confused we think we have no love.
What rules are there regarding the house?
Is he allowed to come inside without you there..or only with permission and/or your presence and permission?
Because what do you do when he breaks this sort of boundary and brings along a friend...make a scene?
You can try to be firm and 'shove him off the porch.' But be careful here...and I don't mean literally shove him. But this approaches the Bitch...which is sometimes needed...but it's touchy.
Perhaps just get your things and leave. At that time or later let him know that his behaviour disappointed you. ...the disrepsect was in not respecting your space and boundaries...now it is important that he knows about the boundaries. If you haven't told him what is and isn't allowed in clear language...it doesn't count...that's not fair. This isn't like the law where you are in trouble whether you know the law or not. Why...because boundaires can change...so no changing out of the blue...there needs to be an inciting incident--even just a conversation.
And just because you've set the boundary, don't expect him to follow them well.
I have told Sweetheart I expect he will respect me and my boundaries. But really, there are certain things I know won't be followed...or rather, will be pushed. He can be in our house when I'm at work...but he is not allowed to move home right now. He is showing a sort of respect by not mvoing in against my demands but rather by getting me to change my mind.
So he is not accepting the boundary, but instead of just crossing it he's taking the more repsectful method and trying to appeal to me to remove it.
It's not working...but so far I still do expect that he will not cross the boundary...but he will push it.
Frustrating...Is the Pope Catholic?...YEAH But that's howt his sordid tale goes.
It's good that you checked your daughter's cell to check out his story. I would have done that too...but not to frustrate myself but rather to reassure myself...yup, that was just an excuse to call me. Not that I need reassurance, but hey, it's a nice things sometimes.
LEt your husband no that you are going No-Contact...that is now an official term for Sweetheart...he knows it by that name. He can call and leave a message. You will check it as soon as you get it or are able. You will respond if it is important. Sme goes for texts and emails.
Tell him that you expect...not that you want or think he should. Excpet...it is a bit of ERicksonian type hypnosis...you are stating it as a fact and your belief in it will help create the reality. Now, at the same time, it won't always work or be smooth. He will try...but continue to EXPECT. hmm...maybe it is like getting what you ask for and also getting what you put out...so make sure to show by example too. Show him respect too...without being a doormat--which it doesn't sound like you're being anyway.
But you can be kind while being firm and avoiding negative emotions such as anger.
Gotta go back from lunch, but I will check in later. You're going through some things very similar to me and Sweetheart right now...so believe me, I feel your frustrations.
