Mo:

Quote:

Sex with my husband is like sex with the stranger in the elevator (except better because the stranger knows how my body/mind works) because I fear no consequences of my behavior because I seek no validation from the relationship.



This was exactly my point, dear. Okay, so we ARE on the same page, and no, I was no inferring that you need validation from sex, but that you need validation from your H at all... it just tends to play itself out in your sex arguments... because there are two huge weak spots in you and your H knows them both. Sex and financial security. (Mine fears are manifested in a different way, but your above statement of sex in the elevator with a stranger holds true for me as it does for you... just for slightly different reasons).

Now hang on... seriously. Let's look at this. You got yourself to a place of personal security, right? You just had the best sex of your marriage (quoting you) last weekend. You cruise along this week, being differentiated, probably in a dog-gone good mood, or at least not seeking validation in any overt way... probably in your 'can-do, eternal optimist' type way... but even if you weren't riding real high on the wave... you are contained and 'un-fused.'

But. You are sexually satisfied right now, so him pulling out his 'sex' card isn't going to work with you so well. So what does he do? He arrives home, after not being able to stand your 'un-fusedness' for one more day (cause that makes HIM feel uncomfortable), and what does he do? He nails you in your other weak spot. BAM. Fusion city. Now H is feeling all comfy cozy, because he has your attention again, and you are set adrift again in your fear, trying to work your way back to 'unfused center.'

He's been doing this to you for as long as you've been posting here, honey.

Now, in my very Type 5ish kind of way, I would say to you... "ahem. Mo. YOU are a very hard worker. You are self-motivated, and highly capable, extremely intelligent, and have all that you need to support yourself, if it came to it. You would never allow yourself or your kids to get thrown out on the street... you'd do whatever you had to do to successfully thrive in the world. And you KNOW this about yourself."

But... your H's modis operendi has been to hit you here because you don't necessarily WANT to have to go this route. (And who does, honestly?) But you could. Let this fuel your 'unfusion.' It doesn't necessarily rid you of the fear, but it does assist you in counter-attacking his ploy. Look him dead in the eye and say, "honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do whatever it is you need to do."

And then let him.

You will still fret and feel all vulnerable because there is a very good chance he WILL quit his job. And he'll keep bringing it up, just to test you.

But go back to what you know. Go back to your basics. YOU will be fine, no matter what he does. No, it is not optimal. But he's done this to you before, and you've survived it. You didn't like it, it was tense for you, but you made it. And both of your kids are in a different place now... almost adults. Sure you worry for them, but it is a bit different than having kids in diapers. Plus, you know if push really came to shove, you have your sisters. Not that any of us every want to have to fall back on that, but it IS there.

So... he could go marry someone else, he could go have sex with someone else... but if this guy quits his job... you come undone. Why?

I understand all the reasons you gave, but I also do not see it as an unsurmountable problem for you... which means, it must be hitting a core fear within you. Okay. I get that. Talk yourself through it. Breathe. Get yourself, on this topic, to the place you have in others... so that you can say to him, and mean it: "fine. Do whatever you have to do."

When you can find a process of self-soothing on this issue, he's just going to come undone, I think. I don't know what he'll do, then, and maybe you don't either, and that is part of your fear as well... but boy, how great for you it would be.

I happen to be going through the same thing at the moment, just so you know. Confronting my greatest fears. Just the other night I got to my 'dark night of the soul mooment.' Again. Jesus. But. It was a quiet moment, and one I was able to look at with levity, instead of panic. I don't like it, I'd rather not have to do this... but in a bizarre sense, I'm finding myself and the faith in myself that has ALWAYS eluded me. Not there yet. But I've taken my first few steps, and I'm just astounded that I'm doing it. I give me mental high-fives everyday, simply because I am no longer paralyzed in my own fear... and even when I lock up... I'm still kind to myself.

You recognize this process. You've done it before, with other things. And more than likely, once you get this one, another one will crop up. I've found that, too, and what a dam pisser THAT is. But like I've said... practice makes perfect. And I have to practice just like you and everyone else.

So. Those are my thoughts.

Corri