New All Time Low

[MJontheMend]

Well Kids, I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that this weekend I had pretty much the best sex of my life. I think this is because I have almost completely detached my "drive" from my "sex". It's like my sexuality used to be a river and now it is a lake. Still, huge (LOL) but passive rather than active. Somehow, I connect this with the feeling of wanting to be "in love". When I felt "in love" with my H, it was like the river of my sexuality was rushing towards him. When he hurt me and I no longer wanted to be "in love" with him, my sexuality was like a river desperately searching for a new channel or direction in which to run. This also has something to do with "differentiation". Because I no longer want to be "in love" with anyone, it is easier both to stay in or to leave my relationship.


Okay, enough of the analysis and analogies and back to real-life anecdote. My H and I had some absolutely fantastic sex. Afterwards, we were flipping around the channels on the TV. We tuned into "Good Fellas" during the scene in which Karen (the mob wife) is yelling "Whore, whore" into the intercom at the apartment of her H's mistress. In the next scene, Karen is straddled on her H holding a gun to his head. The voice over lets us know she is thinking "I was going to kill him, but I was still very attracted to him. Why should I let her have him?". My H turned to me and said "Did you ever feel that way about me?". Thankfully, I was able to honestly reply "No, not quite." as if to say "Don't flatter yourself" because I was never that psycho-fused. Then we both joked about how it probably had something to do with the lack of cocaine and handguns in our living environment. The point of this anecdote is that clearly my H was linking the hot sex we had just had with my current lack of fusion. The less that I want to have sex with him because I am viewing him as "my man", the more he wants to have sex with me.

I will continue this confusing muddle of a post with another analogy. It's like I used to think of my H as a poorly trained dog who refused to do tricks, growled when I petted him and cr*pped on my floor but I loved him because he was mine. I felt like my only two choices were to keep trying harder to train him with either positive or negative motivation or to just give up and drop him off at the pound. The solution that didn't occur to me was to simply install a very big dog door. If you give a dog a dog door and leave him free to roam the whole wide world and that dog chooses to walk back in the dog door and cr*p on your floor.....well, you get my point, it just doesn't happen.