I understand the importance of differentiation, needing to self validate and self soothe, but isn’t the objective of breaking through the enmeshment and the codependence to get to a point of interdependence? And to an outsider, just how does codependence and interdependence differ? In both cases don’t spouses engage with each other, often in very intertwined ways? Don’t couples in both cases get into each other’s stuff and push each other’s buttons?
We know how codependence and interdependence differ, that one has a healthy respect and understanding of boundaries while the other does not, that one seeks validation from the partner and in the other self validation is the rule. But even in the healthiest, purest interdependent couple, I bet that one spouse would be quite upset if the other stopped praising and validating the other. Getting that praise from your spouse makes you feel good, enhances the bond and all that good stuff.
You know this quite well, but it still confuses me why you seem “hung up” on the idea that validating your H is somehow philosophically, or logically incorrect. If he likes it and it helps your marriage, then why not do it. He is not ever going to be healthy and functional. I don’t think you believe that will ever happen. So if you can strike a healthy compromise, and you can live with that (you get enough sex, validations, etc.), and you believe it is realistically all you can expect out of him (at least for today) then be happy with it.
Sometimes I get the feeling the two of you are in a competition to see who can convince himself s/he is the most pitiful while at the same time appearing not to be pitiful to the other so as to be one up on that other (don’t ask me to explain that any further, I could barely get that idea into a sentence).
I would even go so far as to say that the fact that he "picks" on me is a sign of his love because he feels like it is better to give me negative attention than no attention. He doesn't get that I would really rather be "ignored" much of the time because I experience "being ignored" as "being free to do my own thing and be myself". He doesn't understand that when I don't fuss over him or worry it is because I am trying to respect or encourage his independence.
Why does this have to be so hard? If he likes to be fussed over, then fuss over him. If you like to be left alone, then ask him to do leave you alone. Be honest about why you each want what you want, but also let the other know that your wants do not mean either of you are abandoning the other. Isn’t this really a form of projection? You each do to the other what you want done to yourself. Nothing wrong with that. Just say so and stop fighting about it.
As for your H liking to see you dressed up and not ratty looking, well you can go into all sorts of reason why that is denigrating and discriminatory toward women, that it shows a lack of respect and an objectification of women, blah, blah, blah… It all sounds great to the women’s libers, but in the end, if that is what you H likes, then that is what he likes. Follow his lead and stop questioning and challenging him on it or he may get the idea you don’t want to follow him or be with him. Like Dieda says, if a woman acts like this, then a man needs to think whether he should find another woman.
You want him to be masculine and assertive, more of a man’s man, but it still seems like you want him to be YOUR vision of a man’s man, not his. I’m not saying he has a vision of how he should be. In fact, I’m not sure he really knows where he stands on being a man. But that seems to be part of his problem. He needs to learn about him self and what he wants. But the other part is that you should not make it any harder than necessary for him to find his way. Be hard and firm on the boundaries, be let him have the initiative to decide what type of man he wants to be. Then you decide whether you want to stay with him.
I think he feels manipulated and controlled to an extent. That is his problem to solve for sure, but since he does not seem fully capable of resolving it on his own, and his sour state is making your life miserable, then his problem is still your problem. So I think some of the comments you made do have a negative effect on him. To most people those comments would be irrelevant, but to him they seem to have an affect. He is very much in need of validation, so he reads into everything you say.
I guess I am not saying that you should do one thing or another, but instead just be careful of those times when your comments could be interpreted by him to be a constraint on his actions because of his need to do what you think is right and what is necessary to make you happy. I still think you should get Dieda’s book and make him read it at gunpoint. Then he might feel happy that you are really fussing over him!
