New All Time Low

[MJontheMend]

Maybe a better response for him would be something like “I don’t worry about your safety because I know that you are extremely good and competent at your job, and the security of that knowledge simply puts any thoughts of worry out of my mind.” The message I am trying to convey is one of making the presumption that he is competent, ignoring his implication that he is incompetent, and then boosting his esteem by telling him how much he protects you through that competence, thereby acknowledging that he really is a man’s man.

I absolutely agree that what you said I should say would be a better way for me to bolster my H's ego. The problem is that I'm not sure that I should be trying to bolster his ego because A) It's kind of condescending and "Mom"-like and B) Part of me believes that it isn't really possible to lend somebody else ego strength through validation. I think that you touched on this once when you were writing about parenting. Children gain ego strength through mastery of skill and self and I guess I believe that adults are the same, except that adults are more pathetically locked into self-limiting self images. So, I guess I've talked (typed) myself back into agreeing with you. The purpose of validation would be to "lend" my H the imagination or "vision" of himself in a role he has not yet mastered.

You’ll have to explain this one to me. Why is it they like hanging around “pure evil” and how exactly does that make them relaxed? I’m not getting this.

My kids have very different personalities but they both love dark or twisted humor. They are both great fans of "Arrested Development" and "The Office". They find it relaxing to be around my mother because she puts a very thin shiny obvious layer of good social behavior over basically a very bad attitude and amuses the h*ck out of my kids. For instance, she'll say things like "I think it is very nice of you to display those ceramic snowmen that N(my FIL's wife) made.". Thereby completely disparaging the taste of N and conveying that since I am her daughter, I can't possibly "like" the snowmen and must be displaying them as an act of kindness.

I didn't appreciate having "Elizabeth Taylor" as a mother but my kids get a kick out of having her as a grandmother. She is also a good source of "over the top" validation for them because she will say things to my daughter like "You are a classic English beauty." (my children constantly mimic her saying this)and then tell her where she ought to shop for clothes. When my son was getting poor grades, she might say something like "You are probably just bored in those classes because you are so intelligent. I know what that is like.".

Recently, she suggested that she might move in with my H and I since we are nearing empty nest. There is no way this will happen. If I lived alone with my H and my mother, I would have to have access to some psychiatric drug not yet invented in order to maintain my sanity.


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I don't think that my grandmother was antagonistic towards men. I would say that she liked men but didn't think that it was wise to depend on them too much for financial or emotional support. When she said

"Those boys are alright, but you girls take care of yourselves."

she was smiling and chuckling, as if remembering her youth dancing with the boys at the USO . She was validating our sexual interest in men as natural but cautioning us that we shouldn't let that interfere with such things as getting an education or a good job. She had a boyfriend for much of our youth, he lived across the river in Canada and only spoke Russian and Polish. He was kind of sexy for an old guy because he kind of looked like a good-natured Cold War spy. When I was a young teenager, my Grandmother would sometimes pretend like I was her daughter when she flirted with men we might encounter when we were out together. She would wink at me when she did this and it was all great fun. The sad thing is that it was a man who was the tragedy of her life. Her blue-eyed baby boy (my half-uncle) was a heroin addict and a total loser in many other ways. She couldn't cut him loose, though everybody told her she ought to, and he really drained her resources in her old age.

I probably gave a false impression of her by comparing her to Judge Judy which really wasn't apt.

So could it be that your fussing at your H to the point of giving up on him, triggers the same feelings in him when he was a kid and at least getting some kind of attention, attention that he can relate to?

It is completely obvious to me that my H would rather get negative attention than no attention at all. He has said that the thing that he hates most of all is being ignored. I would even go so far as to say that the fact that he "picks" on me is a sign of his love because he feels like it is better to give me negative attention than no attention. He doesn't get that I would really rather be "ignored" much of the time because I experience "being ignored" as "being free to do my own thing and be myself". He doesn't understand that when I don't fuss over him or worry it is because I am trying to respect or encourage his independence.

I can understand this. Remember, he needs affirmation and validation. That is why men have trophy wives. That is why the attention of a beautiful woman makes them feel so good (right Chrome?) Having a good looking woman on your arm makes you the envy of other men. Having a poorly dressed, unkempt woman makes you the laughing stock. I’m glad you bought the shoes. Now do your part to put together the rest of the package.

I do get this. Let me share a story from my marriage. This happened several years ago, pre-BB. My H had a new job that he didn't like. His workplace was having an Xmas party. I got all dolled up to go to the party and looked quite nice. I was friendly to all his co-workers and boss and was pretty much the perfect supportive spouse. My H was obviously appreciative and we had a fun evening and even danced quite a bit. When we got home, I (ever the optimisist) expected the good vibe to continue on into the bedroom. No such luck. At the time, I was pretty much 50/50 hurt and confused. I felt like I had done my best, but my best wasn't good enough. I think the reason why I was confused was I was working on the premise that I think you are trying to sell which is roughly- Good Wife Bolsters Husband's Ego Then Man Exhibits Newly Bolstered Ego in Magnificent Display of Sexual Behavior. Unfortunately, I have come to believe that it doesn't work like that. The problem is that a man who "wants/needs" a trophy wife is interested in bolstering his ego strength in relation to other men. There is no need to actually f*ck a trophy wife in order to boost ego strength in this way. You simply need to "own" the trophy wife and the other men will assume that you are f*cking it. The man who is concerned with impressing other men wants a wife that other men would want to f*ck, not necessarily a wife that he would want to f*ck himself.

Back in the day when I actually used to go to social events with men/boys who actually wanted to f*ck me, these men/boys would behave differently. To the extent that their ego interest or desire was focused on getting me in bed, they would be concerned with impressing me and not give a cr*p what their buddies or co-workers thought. This sort of male behavior can be obnoxious or obvious and therefore not a great turn-on but at least the motivation is clear. For instance, a guy who wanted to impress/f*ck me might brag about some accomplishment and get angry or annoyed with another male who challenged his assertion in front of me. The funny thing is I used to kind of complain to my female friends when I was young that it seemed like only unbelievably macho men were attracted to me. I thought I gave off some sort of vibe that attracted obnoxious men. Perhaps, the truth of the matter is that that is how men behave when they are strongly attracted to women and unconcerned with their behavior in relation to other men. Perhaps, I should have married my co-worker who was constantly inappropriately grabbing my *ss on the job or one of the two guys who were best friends yet straight-forwardly competed for my attention by following me around offering to perform Acts of Service and, as I learned from a mutual friend, referred to me as "Hot Jenny" when not in my presence. What was my point?

I believe that my H, like most men, is interested in f*cking me when he is interested in impressing me, not when he is interested in impressing other men. However, the two things are related due to the tendency of men to compete amongst themselves for women. If I make myself attractive and I do it purely in the interest of boosting my H's ego strength it would make me more lovable but not more f*ckable because I am increasing both value and validation. If I make myself more attractive purely in the interest of my own ego strength than I make myself more f*ckable but less lovable. The red shoes sex with my H was hot because (although I didn't do this consciously) I struck a good balance between the two. I made him pay for the shoes which made me look hot and I only put the shoes on at his request after he initiated sex. He had to ask himself the question "Do I deserve to f*ck a woman in red heels?" and answer himself in the affirmative. In an encounter we had later that weekend, we were interrupted by our son knocking on the door and my H lost his mojo. As he attempted to get back on track, he said aloud to himself "I am an adult and I can do what I want.". I smiled and said "It's legal in all 50 states.". He said "What's legal?" and I said "It's legal to f*ck your wife in all 50 states.". Anyways, we proceeded to do some things that we agreed were probably not legal in Alabama and all was well.

I said something to him along the lines of "I just hope that you are aware that I would probably wear worn-down Ugg shoes even if I was a mult-millionaire. I just don't think about shoes.".

This statement denies his wants. He was honest, open and vulnerable to you in making his statement. You basically told him that you really don’t care, that you want what you want and will do what you will do, and that his wishes do not matter to you. I don’t think that is going to endear you to him.

No. I was just trying to be honest. My H recognized this and countered with "Well, if you were multi-millionaire maybe I would find your footwear eccentric but...". I really wasn't trying to antagonize him and I did go out shoe shopping. Besides my comments were DEFINITELY meant as more of a complaint about his pathetic "I hate my job" cry to be rescued than a complaint about his manly desire for a woman with hot shoes. I'm okay with a guy wanting to see me in hot shoes as long as he doesn't expect me to carry him on my hip at the same time. That's asking too much.