New All Time Low

[MJontheMend]

In this way I can see what HP is wondering – whether in some way you are being sadistic toward your H. I don’t think you are, but it seems like that because he is drifting and your attempts to set him in the ground can seem sadistic. But I see this as his responsibility, not yours, so I wouldn’t really blame you. Its just that you are the one who is aware of this need to know oneself, not him. Why don’t you pick up the book and ask him to read it?

Well, the obvious reason why I won't give him a book like that and ask him to read it is

You can tell him all you want, but until he can “get it” from a man’s POV, it just doesn’t resonate, kwim?

. If "I" give him the book, it will instantly be labeled "chick stuff" and dismissed by him in much the same way that if I were to suggest a sexual position, he would instantly label it as "chick stuff" even if surveys show that it is the position most preferred by 80% of men-LOL. Perhaps, I could mail 3 copies of the book anonymously to my FIL and enclose a note that says, "I thought these might be of interest to you and your sons.". Then my FIL and my H could read the books, heal their manly relationship and all things will tend in my favor.

Actually, one thing that has been a positive lately is the fact that my H's relationship with his father is improving. His father dumped his mother for another woman shortly after we were married after a long terrible marriage of the cold, rather than heated, variety. My FIL is now married to a third woman and a few weeks ago my H told me that he witnessed his father kiss his wife on the cheek when he walked in the door. My H said that he had never seen anything ever on this level of affection directed towards his mother during his entire childhood. His father would walk in the door after work and his mother would give him a hug and his father would just stand there like a stick. The sad thing is that my MIL is still totally fused to this man 18 years after their divorce. This is my model for "she who I will not become". That is why although I find the idea of divorce alluring because it would be a sort of "easy out" for me in many ways, I find the idea of "differentiation" even more alluring, so I keep trying to figure out how to float my own little boat in the crowded bumpy sea.