I wonder if part of your H’s problem is in not really knowing what it means to be a man. You can tell him all you want, but until he can “get it” from a man’s POV, it just doesn’t resonate, kwim? Maybe he should read (or you should insist he read) Dieda’s “Way of the superior Man.” That perspective resonated with me in a way I had not been exposed to in my childhood. So the bigger picture of what it meant to be your own man could never totally congeal for me, even though I heard all the pieces before. Your H really seems to be lost and in his own identity crisis.
For that matter, I think you are still trying to find your identity, especially in terms of a marriage, but since your H cannot find himself and plant his position in the ground, you are always trying to gauge yourself against a constantly changing standard. I think you know this and see the answer so close to your grasp that you keep in the “dance” knowing that in a way, the answer to your problems is really quite close.
But then, maybe that is why the allure of divorcing gives some security for you. Jumping out on your own would allow you to set your own posts in the ground and stop the vacillating. Whether good or bad, at least you can set a bearing and move forward. Trying to get your H to set that foundation seems to be what s driving the both of you nuts. But he is the one who has to do that.
In this way I can see what HP is wondering – whether in some way you are being sadistic toward your H. I don’t think you are, but it seems like that because he is drifting and your attempts to set him in the ground can seem sadistic. But I see this as his responsibility, not yours, so I wouldn’t really blame you. Its just that you are the one who is aware of this need to know oneself, not him. Why don’t you pick up the book and ask him to read it?
