Quote: Anyway, even if I believed your theory, I might tend to think that I could think of better options for my midlife than financially and emotionally supporting an ill-tempered slacker musician type in exchange for the occasional hot throwdown.
This was an unfair thing for me to say. My H isn't a "slacker". He's a very hard, overly conscientious in an anal retentive way, worker. It's just that his interests/ambitions are in areas that are unlikely to result in much monetary reward. A while back I was having a conversation with him in which I was playing job coach and refusing to believe his negativistic statement of "I never had a dream. I have no idea what would job would make me happy.". After about two seconds thought, I said "Well, one of your dream jobs might be to compose movie scores.". After a moments silence in which he was processing his lack of desire to admit that I was right, he had to agree with me. Of course, immediately he added "So what if I do have a dream job if it's a dream that will never come true because it is so impractical.". I did have some further optimistic, proactive thoughts along the lines of "Well, you could at least have some fun writing the score for one of D15's web animation cartoons." but I didn't continue because I frequently feel like I am throwing my optimism into a black hole when my H is in one of his "moods".
There is some sense in which our fight about sex has always really been a fight about money/work. My H bears resentment towards me because early in our marriage we did sort of have a deal that I would be the one who made the money. His thinking is along the lines of "I know myself and my limitations. I never would have chosen to take on middle-class Dad financial responsibilities if I hadn't knocked you up. I never would have knocked you up if you weren't such a seductive HD slut. I never would have believed that marrying you was a workable proposition if you hadn't given off the vibe of someone who was very intelligent, competent, optimistic and pro-active and therefore able to carry more of the burden of responsibility.". The fact of the matter is that he is right. I am more the one who changed the rules of the "game" mid-play. I feel sorry for my H because really my only excuse/defense for doing this is some lame combination of low self-esteem and sexism but ,unfortunately for him, almost everybody on the planet would agree that I am in the "right" on the matter, including me half the time. That is why I find Blackfoot's perspective so helpful. His "sexism" varies from my "sexism" in such a way that it helps me figure out how I am wrongminded. For instance, my H and I had a good moment a while back, after a discussion in which I described smearing the competition at a booksale, in which we both jokingly agreed that a good model for our marriage would be that he could be the male lion hanging out back at the den and I could be the female lion out on the hunt. Sort of like he could be roaring "Fetch me an elk, woman and be quick about it!". When either of us tries to force the standard stereotypical sexist roles on the other, things go to h*ll because he doesn't like to hunt and I don't like to do activities in support of a hunter. But my societal training keeps telling me that the way to get him to want to f*ck is to keep forcing/supporting his efforts to hunt until he's successful. I keep going down this cheeseless tunnel even though all evidence points to the fact that what makes him want to f*ck me is when I give off the vibe that I am a good hunter myself and there will be elk-a-plenty for all!
Therefore, the way in which my low self-esteem comes into play is that I don't think it is "right" that a man should want to f*ck me for my best traits. I'm like the prudish opposite of the gorgeous LD woman with an IQ of exactly 100 who binds her breasts and wears thick glasses because she wants a man to want/appreciate her for her mind. We both feel like we are being "used" when we are appreciated for what we actually do have of "value" to offer in a relationship. Really we are both suffering from a sort of perverse self-loathing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
