New All Time Low

[MJontheMend]

Suicide is often my first thought when things go really bad. I usually don't tell anyone, because it freaks them out. That thought is my safety valve. The days when I might actually do it are long behind me, but the comfort of the thought is still there. Comfort you say-- what's comforting about that thought. The comfort is that I still exert ultimate control over my fate.

I get what you're saying. I mean I don't think that there is anyone that doesn't occasionally at least consider taking that option and I'm sure that it is a more prevalent thought pattern for Type 4s being near the abyss and all. I should note that my H quickly backed off his statements in such a way that he made it fairly clear to me that he wasn't actually considering suicide. When he had his last "I hate my job" freak-out a several weeks ago, he told me he was having thoughts like "I should just quit and head out west.". So my initial knee-jerk reaction to his comments this weekend was to tell him that I hoped that he would choose that option over suicide.

I'm sure that there is something thoroughly selfish and self-serving in my current POV but I feel like it used to be the case that my H could "make me" do what he wanted by withholding sex and now that that doesn't work for him anymore, he is trying to "make me" do what he wants by choosing to reveal his dark thoughts. I am torn between conflicting thoughts that he actually is in need of help or he is just acting like a toddler who holds his breath during a tantrum. Clearly, I am taking on too much responsibility if I try to figure this out on my own so one way or another I need to do what I can to get him some professional help.