Things are so cr*p in my situation right now that I almost didn't want to post here. The problem with my marriage has definitely transcended the sexual. It has become clear to me that due to his excessive dependency issues my H doesn't really WANT a lover or a wife, he NEEDS a keeper or a really, really good therapist. Unfortunately, it has become abundantly clear to me that he is willing to do just about anything to keep me in that role. Right now I want to bail so bad I can taste it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It's time to assert your boundaries again, my friend, in a non-antogonizing, matter of fact way. My healing room ( see my last post on my thread) has provided the external space to get to a place of peace...wish I could invite you over for tea. I've become positively Zen like. And when H walks in and has that zombie-look like life sucks and let's attach to Journey, I say, no thanks.
I suppose I should explain my current sich in more detail. Basically, this weekend my H told me that he hates his job so much that he is experiencing suicidal ideation but he finds any reasonable solution to this issue to be unacceptable. This, of course, caused me to freak out and semi-manically try to solve his problem for him by getting him mental health care and/or a better job. Yesterday, I call him at work and I can hear that he has rock music on full blast in the background (a clear sign that he is in a good mood) and when he comes home he tells me that his job really isn't so bad and he had a nice talk with his boss. Then he gave me a hug and said "Thanks for helping me out.". I am surprised that I didn't visibly cringe. Today is his birthday which is very lucky for him because otherwise my plan might be to pack his bags and call his mother and tell her that he might need some help.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Basically, this weekend my H told me that he hates his job so much that he is experiencing suicidal ideation
Suicide is often my first thought when things go really bad. I usually don't tell anyone, because it freaks them out. That thought is my safety valve. The days when I might actually do it are long behind me, but the comfort of the thought is still there. Comfort you say-- what's comforting about that thought. The comfort is that I still exert ultimate control over my fate.
Quote: Suicide is often my first thought when things go really bad. I usually don't tell anyone, because it freaks them out. That thought is my safety valve. The days when I might actually do it are long behind me, but the comfort of the thought is still there. Comfort you say-- what's comforting about that thought. The comfort is that I still exert ultimate control over my fate.
I get what you're saying. I mean I don't think that there is anyone that doesn't occasionally at least consider taking that option and I'm sure that it is a more prevalent thought pattern for Type 4s being near the abyss and all. I should note that my H quickly backed off his statements in such a way that he made it fairly clear to me that he wasn't actually considering suicide. When he had his last "I hate my job" freak-out a several weeks ago, he told me he was having thoughts like "I should just quit and head out west.". So my initial knee-jerk reaction to his comments this weekend was to tell him that I hoped that he would choose that option over suicide.
I'm sure that there is something thoroughly selfish and self-serving in my current POV but I feel like it used to be the case that my H could "make me" do what he wanted by withholding sex and now that that doesn't work for him anymore, he is trying to "make me" do what he wants by choosing to reveal his dark thoughts. I am torn between conflicting thoughts that he actually is in need of help or he is just acting like a toddler who holds his breath during a tantrum. Clearly, I am taking on too much responsibility if I try to figure this out on my own so one way or another I need to do what I can to get him some professional help.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: feel like it used to be the case that my H could "make me" do what he wanted by withholding sex and now that that doesn't work for him anymore, he is trying to "make me" do what he wants by choosing to reveal his dark thoughts.
I think this is absolutely correct. Your H is an unusually dysfunctional type 4.
He does need help overall, but the best thing you can do in these situations is ignore him.
The trouble is, in his case, he might actually quit his job. If you start ignoring him, it that the next level of escalation?
Quote: The trouble is, in his case, he might actually quit his job. If you start ignoring him, it that the next level of escalation?
I feel like what he wants from me is for me to give him "permission" to quit his job. This would be a thoroughly financially irresponsible thing for me to do and I do have our two children to consider. Also, the thing is that he is really the one who is stuck between a rock and a hard place because he cares more about comfort and our standard of living and keeping up with the Jones's than I do. So he isn't even receptive to any suggestions I make about how we could reduce our expenses and therefore give him more employment options because he wouldn't have to make as much money. (I should note that I make almost as much money as him and I do pretty much all the housework, so there isn't some sort of lack of equity issue here.)
The thought even crossed my mind that his "I am having suicidal ideation about my job" comments are just a very hard core way of saying "Not tonight. I have a headache.". Good thing I'm pretty differentiated these days, otherwise I'd be thinking "I am so unattractive that men will threaten suicide in order to avoid having sex with me.".
My husband has told me that the thing he hates most of all is being ignored. So, he won't let me ignore him. He will figure out some way to get my attention, almost certainly negative. That is why I want to bail.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The fact that you aren't questioning your attractiveness or sexiness over this shows tremendous growth on your part from where you were only a short time ago.
Quote: My husband has told me that the thing he hates most of all is being ignored. So, he won't let me ignore him. He will figure out some way to get my attention, almost certainly negative. That is why I want to bail.
How about if you "ignore" him by telling him you are going to ignore him, thus not really ignoring him at all but still refusing to play the game. "I can't discuss this with you because I get too upset, so I'm acknowledging your situation and statement, but I can't really help you."
