Tl, I have read DB and have started on DR. I have also read five love languages and his needs, her needs. These have all helped in my understanding of what I did not do in the past and what I need to do in the future. My W's primary love language is quality conversation which has been the most difficult for me to achieve. Last night she approached me frustrated that we are still not having quality conversations. Our convo went something along these lines:
W: I do not like the way you talk to me, you do not talk with me. M: Have I always communicated that way with you or have there been times that I have spoken with you as opposed to at you? W: You speak with me when you want to ML, and then she gave a example of the other night. M: I can see how you feel that way, especially since that is exactly what I have done in the past, I disagree about that being my intention the other night; however, I can see how it would appear to be. W: You need to hurry up and figure out how to talk with me because I am losing my love for you every day. M: I am sorry to hear that, I have not done a good job of listening to you in the past and appearing to be interested in what you have to say. I am trying to communicate with now because ILY not to create a response from you, I am doing it because I am interested in you.
When we went on later to talk about how she felt I am only motivated by money, that my friends are people that are there to make more money with and that given what she knows about me now she would not pick me as a friend. I validated all of her feelings, not agreeing with these statements but understanding how she could feel this way. She asked for examples of why I felt different and I gave them to her. I am obviousily very hurt that I have given this impression to my W and to a point she is right that in the past I got caught up with trying to excell at my occupation, it became a living game of monopoly. I am disappointed that since she hit me with a 2x4 that the changes I have made, comming home early from work, taking care of responsability's at home, spending time with the children during the week,and paying attention to her needs still do not meet her primary love language of quality communication. She is still in the stage that focuses on what I did not do and then assumes why I did not do these things and concludes it is something I do unconcious and therefore can not be changed. In the past I would have hit the panic button and tried to tell her that her feelings were wrong. I now know that her feelings are not wrong and that I can do backflips; however, if it is not speaking her love language it will not move me closer to the goal of a new R with my W. Any advice would be much appreciated given that it is my nature to try harder and what I need to do is work smarter. Thanks for reading.
