Journaling My C was able to point out that I have not accepted all outcomes with my R. Out of fear I have not accepted that my W may leave me. By not accepting this outcome I am not able to act “as if” and be an authentic husband and father. He simply stated that the solution to this is time. This has caused me to step back and try to evaluate my goals and actions, and think of the analogy that the surgery was a success; however, the patient died. I seem to be living this due to the fact that I am so concerned with the process and watching my every move that I miss out on the big picture. I have difficulty changing gears and paying attention. Last night my w was angry, I know that this is just depression turned outward and given that both children are sick could be just plain frustration. The problem was that I tried to comfort her in indirect ways; however, I did not feel comfortable initiating a convo on the subject. I felt that for whatever reason that it would turn into a convo regarding us and the fact that she may want something different and maybe feels trapped. I thought given her mood that I would only make it worse rather than making it better. If I am going to be the strong father and husband my family needs I need to figure out how to approach the difficult situations when they arise as opposed to avoiding them and it would appear that this is a result of the fear that I harbor. I understand that she carried the weight of our R on shoulders for a long time and that I have only been at this since late July (seems like an eternity) I also realize that she would love for me to stay in the triangle with OM. In that sense she will win, if I change and become the man she desires great, if I do not then she goes to the OM which in her mind is an improvement. I know I can not compete and further realize that any message I am sending that this is a competition needs to stop. As I look back through my life I have been successful when I did not worry about a negative outcome and acted as if I did not care. In this case I believe my children are making it difficult for me to reframe the way I am thinking and lose the fear; however, we all know that if I do not do this I will project a negative outcome. The answer is simple the process is extremely difficult. I need to find the courage to take the journey and realize it is not in my control. We both do not need an R where we thank each other for taking the trash out or cleaning up the house.
