I have been posting on the infidelity bb for the past several months getting some great advice; however, I have come to realize that subconsciously my mind is focused on the OM and further what I do for her is not out of love but manipulation given I am looking for a certain response. The bomb was dropped in late July; my W stated she wanted a D because she was not happy. She denied that there was anyone else at the time. I later was told by her that she had been having an EA for the past year with someone she had meet when she was 15 and stayed in contact with off and on for the past 18 years. Through all of this I took the approach that I was not in agreement and further I would not be the one to act on that decision. We slept in different bedrooms, spoke with lawyers, went to see a C, prayed a lot and somehow survived to this point. She loves me but is not ILWM, she wants our M to work; however, is acting on blind faith given she doesn’t believe it can based on our past and the fact that we are different people. A little background on me I am a product of a divorced family. My father left when I was two and I have not seen him since. I would not be able to tell if he sat down next me in a restaurant. I have tried to find him in the past with no luck and to be honest I believe hoping that I would not find him but could say I tried. What my sitch has done is allowed me recognize the effect that it has on me and be aware of the feelings it generates inside of me such as someone that is afraid to be vulnerable and take a risk with people. These however are excuses and until I see things for how they truly are I believe I will be disappointed in myself. I need help finding the High road. I work with numbers and analyze and reanalyze all day long. I have thought recently that I need to have a CAT scan done to see if I do in fact have a left and a right brain and if so are they connected, LOL. My w actions show that I have an opportunity if I would just love, honor and cherish her beyond providing money, doing things (such as housework, etc.) and being home every night to help out with the kids. She wants to be loved and adored in her own words and has stated that if I cannot do that she has someone that can. She has stated that I get a lot of good advice through the books that I read or the C that I see but I do not apply it and partly due to the fact that she feels I am not honest with myself; therefore how could I change. I now recognize that I need to act as if and be the husband and father I want to be. I also need to post the detail regularly on this site in hope that other people can help me see what I am blinded to within my actions and how I sabotage what I am trying to accomplish. My family needs that kind of man and I want to impress myself and be that person. I am lost in the forest and need a compass that helps me on this journey of life to a better place for me and at the very least my children.
