For the past 7 months since my H has been away, not only has he not spoken with me on the phone (email only), he also has not spoken with his Mom or Dad. This is very strange to me, since he used to call them frequently and his parents are aging (his Mom is 80 years old). Is this "typical" MLC behavior - not speaking to anyone in the "old" life? He also has not called any of his friends here.
In a strange way, this makes me feel better, since it's not just me that he doesn't talk to. If it was something I did that made him go away, he would still be talking to other people.
Thanks for your input.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
Hi Deb. My H doesn't contact anyone either, well except me but we have small kids at home. He used to call his folks every day and his brother at least 4-5 times a week. So far hasn't called his parents but a handful of times and only then because his mom calls him asking if he is still alive.
He hasn't told anyone that he moved out. Very few people know from me and the kids. The people that do know he avoids like the plauge.
My thought is the same as yours...If this was just about our R why in the world would he cut everyone out. Makes no sense.
Just wanted to let you know my H never calls his parents and will almost never answer his phone if they call him. He has no contact with any of our friends from before his MLC. He barely talks to the kids. So, its obviously not just the W's. Who knows why?
Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
They don't ALL return. I've been here for 5 years. My friend's H's have not returned. My H did not return. (Well, once for a week - 5 years ago today to be exact - but he left again (yep, right at Christmas). You cannot count on it. That is not to say you can't discount it either but I hate to see promises made here when there are no guarantees.
But yes, Deb - it is NOT about you. It is all about HIM. And it is most common for them to leave everyone.
My ex has contact with his siblings (his parents are gone). He was never close with any of them so I doubt he is closer now. He has no contact with ANY of our former friends. He and OW have made new friends through work and neighbours.
I hate being a wet blanket but I hate seeing MLC so clearly defined with a start and an end. The books might say they all will return. Many of the posters may say it too. But if you check out the histories here - you will find that I am right. MOST do not return.
OK, get your weapons out - I expect to be bashed for telling the truth!
Nope, no bashing. Sometimes I think he'll be back and others I think he never will. Who knows???
But why does he contact only me? He will call just to check in and not even ask about the kids just want to talk to me for a couple of minutes then he's gone and back to his new life. Strange.
I honestly don't know all the answers. I no longer stand for my M - I got divorced and H married OW but I was here for a long long time. And I'm not saying "don't try", but I do not think ANYONE should tell you things WILL work out. The odds are that they won't. But that doesn't mean you won't be the one! Only you can decide how long you will work at it. The only thing anyone (including me) can promise you is that if you make decisions that are best for you and your family - you will be fine at the end of this.
Please, posters - stop telling each other that they WILL come back. They might get through their MLC (Lord knows, that my Ex hasn't), but no one can say if they will come back.
I know someone whose H did come back. I have not heard from her for a while. I hope it is working. It is nice to know of a success story.
Why does he contact only you? I'm not sure but I'd guess it is because you are approachable. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Its the only way to maintain communication and its important if you have kids. My Ex became so nasty that I just had to pull away completely and stop the communication because it wasn't healthy.
BBD,
From my experience:
1) Dad, never returned - never grew up, is going to his grave a grumpy old man (I am the only one of his children who has contact with him).
2) ExW - still in la la land (from what the kids have said about her) - close to 11 years of depression, almost 6 years since MLC PA (we've both remarried - I have always had the kids - we live 2 hours apart) - possible complications of Manic-depression (family history).
3) W - depression start date is hard, MLC to recovery - about 1.5 years - our M and R is better now then before her MLC.
You are right - no one should say "when" they come home - but what I post on 4060 is "if" they come home. I know here that doesn't wash well with many and the PMA - but it is reality, many do not return.
But some do come home and it is hard to stay active on the boards once you are back living a full life again (so many who do reunite, just stop posting). One of my W's pre and during MLC complaints - "you spend too much time on the computer"
We are all entitled to our opinions - and I know mine are not the most popular here (probably why I stick to other boards more) - but no one should be bashed for an opinion (some do take disagreement to mean bashing, and some think that since they disagree they are allowed to bash).
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But why does he contact only me?
IMHO - to make sure you are still there. Test it - don't answer when he calls and see what his reaction is
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
I really don't think there is anyone here telling you that things will work out [unless it is very close to the clear end of the crisis, with very clear signs of reconnection]. Clearly some do, and that is good - they return and post here sometimes; equally clearly some don't: not necessarily bad, as the person moves on and remakes their life.
I tried to get a perspective some time ago, via these threads, on whether there were some sorts of damage, and some symptoms of MLC that would make it more or less likely that the person would get stuck in that mode.
For what is it is worth, I would suggest that severe emotional damange during childhood, and a troubled marriage prior to MLC don't help.
I am not sure that there is any hard evidence for the odds being that they won't work out. In fact most affairs fizzle out in two years, and many men make some attempt to reconnect with their wife and children [if there are any]. Sometimes they have moved on. Jim Conway puts it at 4 out 5 trying to come back . . . Even if it is only 50% it seems a reasonable gamble if you have had a long and happy relationship with the person.
