No reason to let you have it. This is the truth and I believe that most if not all men can relate to this. I know to a very close point I did the same thing. Yea I let the W pretty much do whatever she wanted that is not what I felt inside. I was very possesive as well because I almost knew that somthing like this was going to happen. I just did not trust other guys around her.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I think we seem to place our women up on a pedestal in the beginning only for us to slowly knock it down. We have built them up and then want to tear them down so that we can have control and not lose the one thing that makes us feel good about ourselves.
In retrospect, I know I put my wife up on this pedestal. I had a beautiful wife that boosted my ego. I slowly brought her down (not purposely) to be more on my level of self esteem so that she would stay with me. It is almost like emotional abuse only not outright.
We want control. We want to fix b/c it gives us a sense of control.
Not sure this made any sense....oh well
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Ian, it's interesting that you bring up the issue of percieved ownership. I'm reading a book, Choice Theory, and the author states this as well. He says that we operate quite differently with those we see as "owned" by ourselves such as spouses, children, employees etc. We expect those people will do what we want and are much less willing to allow them choice. He says we operate much differently with friends where we seem to recognize that we don't own them and therefore are much more tolerant with our demands and expectations. He says "We recognize that good friends are our most reliable source of long-term happiness. We seem to know we could lose them, and the happiness that goes with them, if we tried to force them to do what they don't want to do." yet, we have few qualms about trying to force our spouses to live up to what we think they should be. The kicker is that we usually don't succeed but keep on trying to force people to be what they don't want to be. I don't know if that is just men though. Maybe we should all look at how we treat friends, acquaintances and apply some of that to how we treat our spouses, I'll bet there is a little more detachment there.
Quote: He says that we operate quite differently with those we see as "owned" by ourselves such as spouses, children, employees etc. We expect those people will do what we want and are much less willing to allow them choice. He says we operate much differently with friends where we seem to recognize that we don't own them and therefore are much more tolerant with our demands and expectations. He says "We recognize that good friends are our most reliable source of long-term happiness. We seem to know we could lose them, and the happiness that goes with them, if we tried to force them to do what they don't want to do." yet, we have few qualms about trying to force our spouses to live up to what we think they should be.
WOW!! This is pretty revealing. Maybe b/c it sounds so true. I guess XW (and me) did treat each other in ways we wouldn't have put up w/ from other people.
Quote: This is a huge mistake that we make because we don't neccesarily always believe that we are good enough for our wives. We feel like we don't deserve the hapiness and the woman that they are. It's a huge lack of self confidence that we all contain, I believe genetically. I believe that at some point a man grows up and realizes just how selfich he has been and only then can he lead a truly shared marriage with his W
In some ways this sounds like me. I know when I was younger (mid 20's) I DID have lingering self esteem issues. I was THRILLED to marry XW. Was madly in love w/ her (and I thought she me) But after about 2.5 years it seemed like the glow was wearing off and I FELT like she didn't want to do things w/ me, go places w/ me, etc. And when she reneged on our plan about WHEN to start our family and started pushing for that 7,8 months early... I felt like she was really just looking for a baby to take care of and love b/c she didn't want to deal w/ ME. And trying to talk to her about how I felt about being a father as well as OUR M/R didn't seem to get anywhere. Small wonder I found someone else attractive. At least I realized very quickly that someone else was not going to solve my problems. My issues were always going to be MY issues. Which is why I was so understanding of what XW was feeling and doing when the bomb hit.
AFA treating her like a possession... I never did that. I always encouraged her to be a SEPARATE individual. I don't want someone that defines themself by ME. And I "think" I'm mature enough to deal w/ a woman like that.
I'm glad to hear things are going smoothly. Perhaps you should try not to overanalize things and just work on enjoying the time spent with someone you have a connection to. So much easier said than done...
I would imagine when your husband married you he realized you were independent and career-oriented, and he still loved you and wanted you. I think the problem is not that you are not different, but that he got to a point where he thought he might be interested in different. It's the whole "grass is greener" on the other side thing. (i.e. if you were a housewife he would have wanted an independent business woman, if you were an artist he would have wanted a corporate executive, etc...)
Just be yourself... or maybe try some other "roles" for awhile (like when you're off a week or two from work try being a "housewife" for awile... Hey! where I live all the "housewives" look better than 90% of the population!!! We're the ones at the gym every day, have graduate degrees, get our nails done, botox, read books on existentialism and then go shopping! LOL!!!! )
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Wow...what feedback...I couldn't agree more with all of you.
Ian, you never lost your man card...you'll always have it!!
DavidM, yes, I was committed, but, I never did want to be just a housewife. I see my friends, they let themselves go, the kids are more important than their H's...I never wanted it to be that way...I was one that kept postponing having kids; my H always said this year...but I kept stalling that.
OSU, Karla didn't seek the OM b/c you set her free...it was b/c of the M...you know that.
Whatisis, that was very thought povoking...I believe it.
Running, you go girl, a woman that sees my point. Good for you...I knew there was something special about you. I couldn't do Botox though, I think I'll just let nature take its' time. If a wife stays home with or without kids, it doesn't give her the right to roll up into a ball. By keeping up and participating in life, looking good, keeping fit...you become part of 21st century.
In the morning, when I was married, I'd go into my bathroom for about an hour, shower, wash my hair, put on my make-up and then go into the bedroom and get dressed. Seven days a week...the make-up came off when I took another shower at the end of the day. Why look ugly when you should be at your best...
AT, my sister had her B-day yesterday, so it was family time...we went out to eat, etc. It was nice.
Well, there's nothing to update...I haven't heard from my X today...but he's busy at work...people rent cars from him this time of year for New Year's Eve parties...he really charges them an arm and a leg, but they are demo's, but the people renting them for a night or two don't care...
Ron Jeremy is a slob of a man in porn films - he is short, fat, possibly the hairiest man alive - back, chest, arms, etc with a full stache and long hair...he is fat, but when CM talks about his thong...I think back and remember R.J. in a thong and I gag....
On the other hand...no call, still from the XH. I wonder if I said something to pi** him off. Now, I'm getting a little worried.
This is pretty revealing. Maybe b/c it sounds so true. I guess XW (and me) did treat each other in ways we wouldn't have put up w/ from other people. 
) 