should i stay or divorce?

[sonato]

dear friend, i really apprecicate what you write to me each time.

i think you already had formed a fixed impression of me, is ok, afterall we don't know each other.

i don't need to be in love 24/7. rem, i am not a teenager, i have been in a marriage for 8 years. i know everything about giving and taking, i know about how to make a marriage work even without the feelling of love. i have been doing this for all these years.

i can continue to do this for the rest of my life. just that i have a choice now to continue or not, i want to review at this point what is happening.

i know most people here are not in the same boat as me. is ok, at least the people here are not rude. i am not a stupid person, i know where everyone is coming from and i can see things from different pp point of view.

[*KS*Chick*]

you can have whatever opinion, but how could you say that my story is not true? does it seem so far fetched? since you think that this story doesn't sound true, it just means that this is a sticky situation.

i started to post in this forum before i realised later that this place is more for the "victims". i admit i am the bad person here, maybe people in this forum could take a peep into what is going on in the mind of the person wanting to leave.

everyone's aim is to be happy. if your spouse is leaving, and you try all means to make him/her stay, you are being selfish too, you are also just trying to make yourself happy by not letting go.

also, i think each of us should also take a look at oneself. ( my post is not directed at anyone) ar you really not at fault if you spouse want to leave? for eg, did you let yourself go? did you grow fat? did you bother to makeup, dress up and look nice? did you take everything for granted? did you keep improving yourself and not to depend on anyone if one day your spouse were to leave you?

i think it is very important to learn to be self sufficient, and have a lot of self esteem. when a person is at this level, he will not be that devastated when the spouse wants to leave. the more you want to hold onto something, the more you will lose it. the more carefree and self confident you are, the more you will get. just my own thinking, no one needs to agree.

You're right - everyone should look at themselves and see if they have done all they could for their spouse...including you. You almost sound like you're blaming your H because you want to stray. Not cool.

And this isn't just for victims - half of us wouldn't be here posting, looking for advice, answers and help. You should perhaps read the book - because it's all about divorce busting and you don't sound like that's something you're interested in. You sound like you want to do what makes you happy and screw what you do to your H. Not very loving.

[12102006]

Sonato

It's true, we don't know each other...I also agree with you
about keeping up your appearance and not letting your mind
go to waste.

I, too, had an A...lack of attention, concern for me, etc.
in my M. I didn't leave per se...I was divorced. That was
11 months ago...my XH is testing the waters in trying to
see if it can be salvaged...a victim?...no, just someone,
like you, who thought the other side of the fence was going
to be better...the sex wasn't that great, the care and the
conversation was. But when I was caught...I admitted to it, although, there are times, when I wish I hadn't...but
that is history.

I don't pre-judge you...but, how could you have done all
the things to try and change your M, when he just recently
told you things that bothered him?

If you are really adamant about leaving, then do so, quickly...so you both can heal. Good luck to you, no, I
don't walk in your shoes...that's why I can say Good Luck
to you...

[sonato]

thanks for being kind to me.

[brandnewday]

I have always stood by the fact that ALL of us have contributed to the demise of our marriages.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.....
None of it matters now.
ALL that matters is making a wrong into a right.
Taking our selfishness and learning how to love the spouse we made a commitment to .
Learning HOW to love the man/woman we married.
Having an affair and then justifying it repulses me.
Most of the posters here are remorseful and are trying so hard to win back their spouses.
You are just looking for ways to justify your behavior by continuing the affair.
There is actually another website for "the other woman".
Your lover has a wife.
You are a married woman.
Does that not bother you?
I doubt very much that your lover will Divorce his wife to marry you.
I have read the other website and the OW is fed so many lines that they believe.
By the way, what kind of future do you plan on having with your lover?
Both of you are liars and cheaters?
How can you have a future together?
How can you trust each other knowing what each of you is capable of doing?

[elizabethanne]

I think that you should get a divorce. Life is too short to suffer through a marriage that you do not want to be in. Yes, you did have an affair which is not right, however; going back to your H and pretending like the affair did not happen will not make it better. What is done is done. It does not sound to me like you are happy, you had already considered a relationship w/ one man and then ended up in a PA with this guy. I know that honoring your marriage vows and working to stay married to your H sounds like the textbook thing to do, but you are alot older, wiser and more mature than you where when you got married. I wonder - how long can you deny your feelings??
By feelings - I mean feelings about your husband, sexual feelings, feelings about OM etc... It is up to you - but I would get counseling before going through w/ divorce. This therapy could help you sort out your feelings and gain an unbiased perspective on the whole issue.

[elizabethanne]

Honestly,

I just don't think that you are attracted to H - not mentally, physically etc.. I know if I tried to have sex with someone that I did not find spiritually, physically or mentally attractive, I would find it to be very difficult.

[Alaska]

thanks for your post and what you wrote definitely make sense. i hope you could also help to shed some lights regarding my relationship with my H.

you said i might have felt the same way with my H in the early stage. but i am sure i did not, because i had never had fireworks with him the first time we had sex. sex with H is going through motion for me, many times it felt like rape. i tried vibrator, i tried watching porno before sex, my body is still dead to him, is so pathetic.

i did research before, all those sex therapy and tricks. to me, they are all so pathetic. do you need all these if you really love that someone?

love and lust is one body, i love my brother too but i have no lust for him. lust is what differentiates love and kinship love. lust is cheap only when it is a one night stand. when you are in love, lust is a signal that the relationship is complete in my opinion.

i have developed synergy and cooperation with my H, but attraction is not there in all these later stages. i have made the decision to love him before that is why i am at these last two stages. but i am not enjoying it anymore, because the attraction factor is not there. i guess i have almost reached my limit. yes, i can continue, but am i happy?

you might say that attraction will fade and die, i do not think so now. i used to think this way, because of the way i feel towards my H, that was why i "decided" to continue to love him. all these years, til now, my H is still so attracted to me, because i am the right one for him. he did not "work" for me because i finally realise that he is not the right one for me, strictly speaking.

when we make wrong choices in other areas, people don't think it is a big deal. like taking the wrong course, taking up a wrong career, no big deal, just change to be happy. but when we made a mistake in choosing a spouse, we like to come up with reasons like feelings will die anyway, stick to it, continue to love him because love is a decision etc etc.....

there are indeed couples who feel in love their whole life. if there are people who feel this way, the only reason we can't is because we did not meet the right one. of course, no everyone is lucky enough to meet the right one in their lifetime. just my thoughts.

I've just read your first 3 posts. You've gotta be Japanese, right?

[Alaska]

Hummmm....

Kind of interesting. I have a friend going through something similar. She has been married for over 17 years (3 kids) and says the same thing about her husband regarding sex and attraction. She fell in love with a married man at work and they had an affair for two years. They were both planning to leave the spouses but she ended up doing it and he ended up staying with his. Since then she just started on antideppressants and seems to be on a crazed search for Mr. Right (i.e. "right" in the sack). The most interesting comment she made one evening lately was that she thought once she got out of her marriage she'd be happier.

Oh well....

I can't say your sitch is like my friend's. Maybe you really would both get divorced, marry each other and live happily ever after.

Although if either of you have kids I wouldn't do that. If it's true love wait until they are grown and out of the house and then go do whatever you want. That's my two cents...

Is your friend Japanese too....because either this is a japanese thread, or someone is pulling a joke...........trying to.

[Alaska]

i have thought very hard and finally managed to pin point two reasons why i am not turned on by H sexually. i told my H and he got all pissed. now he has locked himself in his study room and cold war begins, again. i said isn't it good that i have found out some reasons, this is important to me and we could now work on it. but i think his ego is hurt badly.

the sad thing is, the more he doesn't cooperate, the less guilty i will feel and the more i want to leave him. i would consider this as a chance that i am giving him. even without OM, i would probably leave him when i am ready, in a year or two. i look forward.

So you think his ego is hurt.......Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm wonder how that happened...........maybe having his wife, a self-admitted dead fish screwing around with another man?

Yeah, I think that would do it.