Give him some time to digest everything...he needs to think a little bit about it. You just popped his belief that the M was sound...he's realizing that you do not have a problem with sex per se, but with him...it will deflate his manly ego.
actually i had been telling him about this problem on and off for the last few years, just that i couldn't pin point why. today i finally am able to pin point so specifically.
i think i am opting out. i don't have the heart to spend the rest of my life with him anymore. i know i am the woman jerk here.
my H is so proud, recently whenever we had friction, he would never coax me a little, i am always the one to apologise. there was once he was so pissed with me that he emailed me to say that he thinks he has done his best, he can't do anything more to please me. he said he wishes me good luck if i want to find a better man. he frequently tells me he thinks i can't find someone who would treat me better than him, i always shake my head secretly at this.
he said he won't marry again if i leave him, he is tired of pleasing women and getting nothing in return. so, this is his attitude. i think i deserve better. we had a great time before, so maybe that's it, end of our fate to be with each other. i really do not have the interest to go counselling with him. of course, there are still 4 weeks to go if he want to surprise me. i don't think i'll do anything more, i'll just wait for my OM to come back.
Quote: actually i had been telling him about this problem on and off for the last few years, just that i couldn't pin point why. today i finally am able to pin point so specifically.
i think i am opting out. i don't have the heart to spend the rest of my life with him anymore. i know i am the woman jerk here.
my H is so proud, recently whenever we had friction, he would never coax me a little, i am always the one to apologise. there was once he was so pissed with me that he emailed me to say that he thinks he has done his best, he can't do anything more to please me. he said he wishes me good luck if i want to find a better man. he frequently tells me he thinks i can't find someone who would treat me better than him, i always shake my head secretly at this.
he said he won't marry again if i leave him, he is tired of pleasing women and getting nothing in return. so, this is his attitude. i think i deserve better. we had a great time before, so maybe that's it, end of our fate to be with each other. i really do not have the interest to go counselling with him. of course, there are still 4 weeks to go if he want to surprise me. i don't think i'll do anything more, i'll just wait for my OM to come back.
I'm sorry but it sounds like he'll be better off without you. You've cheated on him, then tell him it's his fault because you're not attracted to him. You say you never were - so why did you marry him? And you're not even willing to consider counseling? You should be completely honest with him. How much worse can you really hurt him now? Sheesh.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Sonato: I have wondered as I've read your posts... WHY DID you marry H? If the sex was that big of an issue before you married then why? And before you think I'm picking on you... I had the same issue... Sex w/ XW before we were married was okay, but not fantastic. I put it down to her inexperience. What killed things for me was her pattern of withdrawing and pulling back when she didn't get her way. I see now how this was prevalent and eventually led to ME having a very brief A. I, unlike XW, decided that was really wrong, that I wanted to be married, I just didn't bust my butt showing her.
You need to decide what is important, being married to H or going off and finding your "SOULMATE" or in this case being w/ OM. Just know that the circumstances of your R w/ OM do NOT bode well for a LTR. You do, however need to be honest w/ H. Sounds like both of you are somewhat immature.
indeed, why did i marry to him? i could only say now that that was a huge mistake. just in case you miss this part, i only discovered that i felt nothing when i had sex with him for the first time during honeymoon, and that was also my first time. i was thinking if i had had sex with other men before marriage, i would be able to make a better choice. please note that i am not talking about techniques during sex, i am refering to the connections, feelings.
i think i liked my H during our courtship intensely, very intensely, perhaps it didn't reach the "love" level.
i do not agree that "the circumstances of your R w/ OM do NOT bode well for a LTR." everyone would assume that relationships from affairs would not work out. i just feel that all relationships need hardwork anyway, be it first love, current boyfriend/girlfriend, current spouse or lovers. real feelings and great LTR do not only limit to partners before marriage. i know i am being defensive, but if OM and me are really meant for each other, time will tell. i would not conclude that he is not a good choice if i D.
i would not deny that i am immature. i do not know what is maturity anymore. is sticking to someone just out of responsibility a show of maturity? sticking to a marriage for the sake of children? i guess being mature is to be responsible isn't it? i agree i guess. but i think i'll choose to follow my heart so that i won't regret when i am old. i want to grow old with a man i truely love. is this just a fantasy? will love die? i used to think that love dies anyway over time, but now i think that love will not die when you are with the right one. i don't know i am right or not, but i am willing to find out.
Quote: indeed, why did i marry to him? i could only say now that that was a huge mistake. just in case you miss this part, i only discovered that i felt nothing when i had sex with him for the first time during honeymoon, and that was also my first time. i was thinking if i had had sex with other men before marriage, i would be able to make a better choice. please note that i am not talking about techniques during sex, i am refering to the connections, feelings.
i think i liked my H during our courtship intensely, very intensely, perhaps it didn't reach the "love" level.
i do not agree that "the circumstances of your R w/ OM do NOT bode well for a LTR." everyone would assume that relationships from affairs would not work out. i just feel that all relationships need hardwork anyway, be it first love, current boyfriend/girlfriend, current spouse or lovers. real feelings and great LTR do not only limit to partners before marriage. i know i am being defensive, but if OM and me are really meant for each other, time will tell. i would not conclude that he is not a good choice if i D.
i would not deny that i am immature. i do not know what is maturity anymore. is sticking to someone just out of responsibility a show of maturity? sticking to a marriage for the sake of children? i guess being mature is to be responsible isn't it? i agree i guess. but i think i'll choose to follow my heart so that i won't regret when i am old. i want to grow old with a man i truely love. is this just a fantasy? will love die? i used to think that love dies anyway over time, but now i think that love will not die when you are with the right one. i don't know i am right or not, but i am willing to find out.
levels of maturity could also be measured in breaking up someone's marriage so you can be satisfied... probably not the most mature thing to do. And to expect him to not do to you what he's doing to his current wife - you've got blinders on my friend.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
i just thought of something i want to add. a parent's love for her/his kid will never die ( becasue there is no such thing as this kid is no "right".). if there is indeed such love on earth, why is it that our love for our spouse would die if the spouse is the right one? time should not be the factor to kill it.
honestly, i have an idol singer/actor that i like ( ok, i admit is just based on looks.). i have liked him for so many years, and my liking had never decreased a little. yes, i admit i don't know him in person, but the bottomline here is perception. i perceive him to be like that, and since he would always seem like "that" to me, i could love him forever.
ok, i know i am babbling, my point is, if there is this someone like that for me, my love for him, i am dead sure, would not die.
please don't be pissed at me, i am not trying to find an excuse for myself to D, i am just trying to figure out what love is to know what to do next. am i really chasing an illusion?
i get what you mean. i just want to point out that i know exactly why my OM is doing this to his current wife. i could not write his story here, so i cannot explain for him. but i do know and i am almost confident that he won't do that to me because i won't do what his wife did to him.
Quote: i just thought of something i want to add. a parent's love for her/his kid will never die ( becasue there is no such thing as this kid is no "right".). if there is indeed such love on earth, why is it that our love for our spouse would die if the spouse is the right one? time should not be the factor to kill it.
honestly, i have an idol singer/actor that i like ( ok, i admit is just based on looks.). i have liked him for so many years, and my liking had never decreased a little. yes, i admit i don't know him in person, but the bottomline here is perception. i perceive him to be like that, and since he would always seem like "that" to me, i could love him forever.
ok, i know i am babbling, my point is, if there is this someone like that for me, my love for him, i am dead sure, would not die.
please don't be pissed at me, i am not trying to find an excuse for myself to D, i am just trying to figure out what love is to know what to do next. am i really chasing an illusion?
I'm not pissed - just trying to give you a reality check. To me, it sounds like you already KNOW what you want to do...... you're conflicted for what reason, I'm not sure since you say you never loved your H. And you really think he won't leave you for someone else?
What if you have some weird quirk he can't live with but his next OP doesn't. How can you be sure he won't do the same thing to you? You know about karma right? That whole what comes around, goes around?
I'm not trying to be mean - just trying to show you another side to your quandry.
And honestly, I don't think your example works too well for me. I've seen news stories of women who should NEVER have been allowed to pro-create....women who dumped their children in dumpsters, killed their innocent children......where was their love?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
probably not the most mature thing to do. And to expect him to not do to you what he's doing to his current wife - you've got blinders on my friend.