This is my 2343rd post after 20 months on this BB. I won’t say that this is my last post. Too many people have made liars out of themselves by making that statement
But I think that I’m doing all I can for my own sit, and I really don’t need more advice. In saying that, I’m not disparaging the wonderful advice I’ve received from all of you. On the contrary. I have learned so much, and truly appreciate the sympathy and support I’ve received from so many people who’ve had more difficult situations to deal with than my own.
Thank you all!
I also think that I’ve spouted enough of my own opinions and advice. I hope I’ve helped some of you through the tough times (as you all did for me), and even more important, I hope I’ve helped you in some small way to seek that ever elusive dream of regaining your lost R.
As for me, I’m doing fine. Have I arrived at my goals? The answer to that is yes. And no. But that’s OK. Goals need constant revision so that you don’t overstretch yourself. I’ve come a long way, and to get to my ideal R, I have a long way to go.
So I don’t know if I’m a success story. It depends on how you define success. I’ll continue to hope for an ideal R. Though this sounds unrealistic, it’s my way of setting the bar high enough to avoid settling for something less than what W and I are capable of.
But at the same time, I have to be realistic enough to know that success isn’t perfection.
I have my own vision of an ideal R. W has hers. I have to be realistic enough to realize that these two ideals will never be an exact match.
There are a lot of reasons why our ideals have diverged. All of my DBing has been based on the premise that by being the best H I can be – the best person I can be – our visions can converge. They have. I’ve shifted my thinking towards W’s thinking, and W’s thinking has shifted too.
So my parting thought is this:
You can’t change your spouse. But you can change your relationship. You do this by changing perceptions. You change your spouse’s perception by changing your behavior to match the image of yourself that you want your spouse to have. And don’t forget your own perceptions. They can be just as wrong as your SO’s.
