I'll get back to you all when I can, but there's too many posts to handle right now. So I'll start with Lily.
Yes, Lily. Labels of any kind repel me, and MLC is but one. The reason they repel me is because they tend to put everyone in the same bucket and distract us from solutions. I don’t think I’ve ever posted that MLC doesn’t exist, or that it is not a factor in my life. In fact, I seem to recall posting that MLC is a factor – both from my W’s perspective and for me.
Right now, I’m at a loss for solutions – except to wait it out. Perhaps it’s time to look at things from a MLC perspective.
I don’t know how that will help me unless it gives me some hope, but hope is probably the thing I need most right now.
So… I’ll play your game.
I don’t know when I was “scheduled” to have my MLC but W was the first to burn out. She had enormous stress and sought support from me. I did my best, but it wasn’t enough. No point in trying to figure out if it was my fault, hers, or circumstance. My efforts weren’t enough, and are no longer even remembered.
Her responsibilities to the kids probably aborted her MLC.
So what happened next? D#1 became old enough to baby-sit. We started going out a little. Money got easier, so W was able to enjoy some of the activities she had wanted to do for a long time (e.g.: kickboxing). She started to make new friends. I hit the road (work), and she managed just fine.
I crashed.
I became needy. Perhaps W didn’t want me to abort her MLC one more time. Maybe that’s what she wouldn’t let me do to her anymore.
As to S#1’s influence in all of this, I was definitely in denial for much longer than W. She’d acknowledged his autism months before I could even say the word. She’d given up hope of a normal life for herself long before I did.
I think that another thing that influenced how W handled all of this was when she watched her own mother’s MLC. Her mother became very resentful of her H because he was out playing hockey, etc. leaving her at home to hold down the home front. W said she didn’t want to go the resentment route. She’s told me on several occasions that she’s let go of the resentment, and that’s another things she won’t “let me do to her anymore.” She won’t let me make her feel guilty or resentful. I think that she’ll take her freedom whether I like it or not, and she won’t accept guilt or resentment from me.
But I don’t think it’s been a clean stage-by-stage MLC for either of us. I don’t think either of us are in denial except to say that neither of us wants to discuss the bad stuff. Does that mean we’re both still in the “anger” stage? I don’t know what the “replay” stage is, but we’ve both gone through depression. In both cases, we reached out to the other (so much for withdrawal), but the other was not receptive to it.
Like I said, I don’t understand the concept of “replay stage”, but hanging out with GFs, kickboxing, blading, motorcycle, etc. They’re all things that she felt she was missing out on and would continue to miss out on if she completely resigned herself to mothering an handicapped child for the rest of her life.
If the truth be known, I agree with this. I started karate myself. Tried blading, but an hip injury prevents me from pursuing that, and I enjoy my motorcycle immensely.
I’m left wondering if both of our MLCs weren’t exactly aborted, but rather that they were dampened.
but W was the first to burn out. She had enormous stress and sought support from me. I did my best, but it wasn’t enough. No point in trying to figure out if it was my fault, hers, or circumstance. My efforts weren’t enough, and are no longer even remembered.
