Thinking back to where my head was 5-10 years ago, I've come to the realization that quite possibly I was in my own life crisis. Perhaps going through that (and what you're going throught now) is what eventually threw my H into his life crisis.
I was a stay-at-home mom with three rambuncious (?) boys. When my youngest was just 3 weeks old, I started my own transcribing business at home. It wasn't that I needed to do something to make me feel more fulfilled. I simply wanted to help take some of the financial stress off my H. Looking back, I really don't know how I managed. I slept maybe 4 hours a night. I worked 7 days a week. Basically had only 2-3 days without work a month. I was exhausted. We rarely went out as a couple. Our friends would ask us to go camping on the weekends, but we couldn't cuz I HAD to work. This obviously took quite a toll on me, but I never even thought about the toll it was taking on my H.
MY perception was that he had the good life. For a number of years his work took him away from home at least 3 nights a week. I saw the situation as this: he got to be alone in a hotel room, eat out without three sets of hands pawing at him, watch what HE wanted to watch on T.V., take a quiet shower, read a book without being disturbed every 2 seconds, and that was just in the evenings. During the day he got to talk to adults about IMPORTANT stuff; he got to go out to lunch, etc., etc. When he returned home, he expected a wonderful home-cooked meal because he'd been eating restaurant food for days. Didn't matter that I hadn't had the time to get to the market, or that I was simply too exhausted to cook.
Then, of course, as far as intimacy it never seemed to matter how I was feeling or how exhausted I was. It was always, "I've been gone for X days. Don't you want me?" Or words to that affect. I'm sure you get the picture. I resented that SO much. I felt used. To me it had nothing to do with love and caring. He just wanted sex. This is rather an over simplification of the situation, but it's impossible to get into it too deeply here. It would take way too long. I'm sure you get the picture.
The resentments grew and grew. At times I felt I hated my H. I couldn't stand being around him. I wanted to be alone. I dreamt of what it would be like to be on my own. I put a great deal of emotional distance between us. Oddly, I never thought he felt that distance. I always thought he felt things were just fine. Well, I really misread that one, didn't I !!
During recent talks with my H, he told me that during time he tried everything he could think of to "make things right." He tried to be the best husband he could. He's always helped out around the house, either cooks dinner or cleans up after I cook. He's one of those guys that as soon as I mentioned I'd like something done to the house or the yard, he'd start planning it and before I knew it, it would be done. Once I mentioned I felt it was time to move my office out of the downstairs bedroom so that we could separate two of the boys and they'd all have their own rooms. I had devised a way to build a little space into a loft area. As I write this, I'm sitting in a beautiful office that my H designed and built all on his own . I'm talking about a complete room addition to the house!! There are many, many other examples like this. So, no, I certainly have no complaints about my H doing things around the house.
I won't say nothing he did made any difference to me, but it made very little difference at best. I knew I had a great guy, a wonderful H and father. Everybody loves him. What was the matter with me? There were times when I simply couldn't stand to be around him. For years I dreaded going to bed at night -- it would ALWAYS turn into either a negotiation or a fight. After a while I just gave up and went along with him to avoid that. What I couldn't avoid was the deep resentment that that caused in me. I remember thinking, "I can't live the rest of my life like this." But at the time, I thought it was because of him. Later I realized that it was MY problem and I needed to do something.
So, the kids got older and more self-sufficient. My business got to the point where I was making a good living and only having to work 4-5 hours a day -- and no weekends!! The pressure eased up on me. I had time to look around and recognize the state of my R with my H. We were just co-existing at that point. I wanted to see if we could bring back the spark. I knew I needed more. It took a couple of years of working on my own issues, but I was getting there -- moving back towards my H. By that time, he'd given up hope. He didn't see how things were changing. We had a conversation one night where he finally told me how deeply he'd been hurt throughout those years. I didn't know I'd hurt him. I only saw what I thought was anger. I was finally ready to let go of all my pain and disappointments and resentments of the past in order to have a warm and loving relationship with my H again. As you well know, he was no longer at that place. He had a ton of anger, disappointment, pain, and resentments of his own by that time. I did a complete 180 (didn't know that term at that time). Apparently he didn't trust what he was seeing -- or just didn't want to be hurt again. He moved ahead into a PA because of the way that person "made him feel" about himself. That started two years of hell for my H, and one year of hell for me.
So, what I think MAY be happening (who really knows), is that your W is having her own life crisis. If that is the case, there is nothing that you can do about it. She will have to complete the process on her own. I find it very encouraging that she is beginning to do things for you again. When I was at my worst, I didn't even want to pick up my H's shirt off the floor!! As things started to change, I started enjoying doing some of the little things for him again. So I think that is a very good sign that she may be moving "towards the light", shall we say
You said above that at times you feel like giving up hope. Please fight against that. My H said he had given up hope, and look what it's gotten him. He betrayed his W, his family, his friends, and most importantly himself. He now sees a psychiatrist, a psychologists, and is on medication for depression. In the past two years he had numerous health problems -- all stress related. One by one those problems are going away now, but what a mess he made of himself!! He will be forever changed by his actions -- by his not being able to hold onto his integrity, by the pain he's caused. I wouldn't wish all this on anyone, Andy. Keep hope alive, because without hope there is only misery.
Anyone who reads this may think my H had very good reasons to do what he did. However, at the time I felt I had very good reasons to feel the way I felt also. I was lonely, unhappy, felt unappreciated, and at times felt unloved. I chose not to betray my H and my M. I had opportunities -- I ran from those opportunites. Scared me to death to think of the pain and turmoil I'd put myself through, let alone my H and my family. We all make choices. Some make bad choices for good reasons.
Hold onto yourself, Andy. Hold onto your integrity. Everything that's happened so far in your M can be worked out to a happy ending. When infidelity occurs it changes to much. So much will never be the same again for me. No matter how good things continue to get with H and me, it will never be as good as it could have been. I will never feel that "specialness"; that feeling of being cherished. I will never again believe that my H loves me totally and completely -- and only me. That is a bitter pill to swallow.
Sorry this is so long. I knew it would be, that's why it took me some time to respond.
