Let's look at this from the MLC perspective. Help fill in the blanks. I know you are repelled by the mer letters MLC but I'm gonna go there just because I keep coming back to this.
You get to wear the MLC hat and your wife is the wifey.
Stage 1---Denial. Your job stress. Son #2s health.
Stage 2---Anger.
Stage 3--Replay.
Stage4/5---Depression/Withdrawal.
Stage 6---Acceptance.
Andy. Please play.
You didn't do a full-blown MLC cause there's no ow. Because of that your wife would not have been forced to have a mid-life transition.
However. Put enough STRESS into a person's life and they're bound to feel that something's got to change.
Your wife told you at one point that she wasn't going to let you affect her again (sorry, I have forgotten the exact posting) and put up emotional walls.
Andy, could you possibly have had to deal with an aborted MLC because of your wife being sucked into one of her own?
I suggest this because of a post re your daughter once expressing that her mom was being a teenager again.
Her stage 1 might have been #2 son's situation and stage 2 would have the anger phase being focused on you.
Her Replay phase involved what? I think of her hanging out w the girlfriends then letting that go. I think of her having a guy friend. I think of her going roller blading or kick-boxing. The motor cycle fits a Replay thingie as well.
Ok.
You maybe got as far as the anger phase then got jerked to reality by what was happening w your wife.
Your struggle with Depression is that stage 4.You had to fight your way out of that.
Meanwhile, your wife has been in the 'selfish' emotional mode that describes an MLCer.
What does it take to get her to come on through into the 5th phase.
Maybe losing her male friend. Maybe that would count as a crash. Maybe . Maybe. Maybe.
So if there's any chance of me being close, then maybe within the year your wife will have gone through the MLC depression phase and into her Acceptance.
You, who had an aborted MLC were thrust into the midlife transition because of the threat, yes threat, presented by the presence of the male friend.
You have had to decide that you will hold onto your personal integrity (I salute you!!!) and you have made so very many changes about yourself. You've read my posts about the lessons that have to be learned. It's all over your posts about how you have changed you in your desire to save your marriage.
You didn't have too, Andy, but you did.
So you are where a bunch of us are, waiting patiently for the spouse to come on through.
She will, too. When she's ready. Bless you for being willing to change yourself.
Question. Although the changes you have undergone may have hurt, are you pleased w you?
If you are not pleased w you then here's where the concern is.
Remember the possibly aborted MLC? When your wife does begin to come around you might have to deal with some other major STRESSOR that could get your MLC going again.
That means the vague feeling of discontent and dissatisfaction. That means looking to blame it all on the one who loves you most.
Since you have that committment to hold onto your integrity I think that you are safe from having a full-blown MLC (your wife is SO lucky).
Should you get sucked into Take Two of a MLC you'd probably have to deal w Depression again.
Because your wife wouldn't have to deal w the midlife transition of the betrayed spouse , once you conquered the Depression phase you'd come on through into your Acceptance and . . .
Ta-tah-h-h-h. . .you'd both be changed but the love would be stronger and the committment to each other not tarnished.
Thanks for reading. Don't chop it up as garbage, just toy w the idea and see if it fits at all.
Andy, 'til I got sucked into the middle of this MLC stuff I would have denied it could ever happen.
