Quoting Jamesjohn:"She's said on more than one occasion that she's gained the strength to be able to carry on without me if something ever happened to me."
What is your typical response when she says this?
There’s no “typical” response. When I say she’s mentioned this on several occasions, it was in different contexts over the past coupla years. My initial response was that yes, this is a good thing, but you have to balance that with the possibility that something may not happen to me. Most recently, her statement was wrt MF’s W. i.e.: she would fall apart if something happened to her H. In that case, I agreed.
I only mentioned this because sometimes I feel that W is on such an independence kick that she refuses to accept my support, friendship, and help of any kind – except when it comes to my duties as a father and provider.
Quoting Jamesjohn: What I see here are two people who are stuck. Two people who are in a relationship that ain't quite as good as it could be.
Neither of them are right, and neither of them are wrong.
Neither of them need sympathy, they both need solutions.
Dunno, JJ. From what I can see, W has found a solution. She’s not stuck. I am. Frankly, she’s calling the shots right now, and right or wrong, I have to go along with her vision of OR.
Quoting Jamesjohn: I, for one, hate to see him feel "powerless" over his situation, waiting for his wife to come around.
But that’s the way it is. I’m not saying you don’t have great ideas, or the others either. But there’s no tension between us. I believe that W knows I respect her and love her. She knows I want to do things with her, but she doesn’t want the same thing. Her mind is made up that doing things with her husband is the same thing as subordinating herself to him.
That begs the question, “What could I do differently to make her change her perception?” I’ve been letting her do things on her own. I’ve not stood in her way for anything. I haven’t complained about the fact that she doesn’t want to do anything alone with me, and only occasionally ask her. I’ve done things on my own… karate… hang out with friends (other than her). Done things with the kids w/o her. The only thing I haven’t done is to agree with her that this is the whole picture of how a R should be, or that this is the way it has to be for us.
One day, after MF’s W exiled us, W told me that the only Rs she’s ever seen that worked were those in which H and W let each other do whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted. That’s what she wants, and that’s what I’ve done my best to give her.
That’s her solution, and for her, it’s working.
Quoting Jamesjohn: I, for one, hate to see him feel "powerless" over his situation, waiting for his wife to come around.
I hate it too, JJ. But I think that I really am powerless. Mabye all I can do is to wait for her to “come around.”
