"I try to keep my expectations low, too. It’s ironic that this was much easier two years ago when W REALLY avoided me. The very fact that she doesn’t anymore gives me hope that some of my dearest wishes can come true. It’s a fine line between hope and expectations sometimes."
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I can relate to where this is coming from! What I've been telling myself---and others who are at this turning point---is that I guess our expectations of an instant and glorious reunion are just as fantasy-based as the MLCer's "soulmate" LUV with the OP. Just when we think we've had all we can take, we find we have MORE waiting to do!! I don't mean to PO other posters, or you. I try not to comment if I can't find a point where I relate. What I'm doing w/ my H now is lagging WAY back and letting him do the work/pursuing. I have very little patience left myself, after all the MAJOR trials I've just been through. There's nothing I can do but acknowledge that and accept it's my problem. I'm certainly only "advising" you from paths that have worked (so far) for me!
"That’s not quite accurate. She wants to go out with friends. When MF was in the picture (more on that later for Lily), we (yes… WE) were quite active. One fight I have within myself is that it was OK for us to go out every Saturday evening with MF and his W. We’d go to movies with them. We’d go to flea markets with them. But now that it’s no longer possible, we can’t do anything together! W’s position is that we have family responsibilities that prevent us from doing things together. Yes, we went to a movie Sunday, but W was very reticent."
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OMGawd! That is a more clear picture. She's in withdrawal. UGH. It *is* easier to operate in an "emergency" situation, when the very clear goal is to get the OP out of the picture and the spouse recommitted to working on M.
But there is no end to the creepiness of what that work actually entails. Or at least it seems like there is no end in sight.
I have been very lucky because my H was GONE for weeks during this period. Haha---others had to bear the worst of it.
It is galling that you can't replace the loss she is feeling. My H and I still can't discuss this, so no---of course there is no way to point out the obvious to your W without bad results.
We are committed to dealing with this in MC, and only recently have I started speaking up about being at the end of my rope and tired of waiting. It's the only way I could have the patience to wait---the idea that we will get to everything, in the presence of a professional we trust who can help.
