Quoting Glo: Well, that's good, Andy, if you're using this place to vent and not sending "resentful" vibes to your W. I never implied you wanted to be a "couch potato"--in fact, you did express resentment of the fact you worked and helped out, but obviously your ultimate goal is some fun time with her, not down time in front of the tv!
The problem stems not only from your needs, which I specified as *natural*---but from your expectations as to how your wife should interact with you
I know you didn’t want to imply that I’m a couch potato, Glow. And I wasn’t taking exception to what you said. I did notice the way you mentioned *natural*
I try to keep my expectations low, too. It’s ironic that this was much easier two years ago when W REALLY avoided me. The very fact that she doesn’t anymore gives me hope that some of my dearest wishes can come true. It’s a fine line between hope and expectations sometimes.
Quoting Glo: To you, unharnessing and romping through the field together seems not only natural but refreshing.
Right or wrong, your W doesn't feel the same way. She wants to unharness and go chew some oats in her own quiet stall.
That’s not quite accurate. She wants to go out with friends. When MF was in the picture (more on that later for Lily), we (yes… WE) were quite active. One fight I have within myself is that it was OK for us to go out every Saturday evening with MF and his W. We’d go to movies with them. We’d go to flea markets with them. But now that it’s no longer possible, we can’t do anything together! W’s position is that we have family responsibilities that prevent us from doing things together. Yes, we went to a movie Sunday, but W was very reticent.
Does that sound resentful? You bet it does. Am I resentful? I’m trying not to be, and even more important, I can’t ask W why she feels that it was OK to leave the kids alone then but not now because… Well, how can you ask that without sounding resentful?
Quoting Glo: It's a shame---you want to be her comfort, but she views your demands as yet another chore. You have a gift you want to share with her---yourself---but she views it as an obligation, instead of the gift it should be.
Those of us who went through our H's withdrawal from OW can completely understand that feeling of rejection and frustration.
I'm not calling you a chauvenist any more than I'm calling your wife a brat. (I reserve the right to say I found MYSELF married to a chauvenist, and I've been a total brat myself at times!! But both conditions are curable.)
For better or for worse, this is all your wife can handle at this time. Fairness is irrelevant; hopefully, some time in the future she'll kick in in ways that will surprise you. I have a feeling she will. But now is the time to surprise her, and back off. She is overwhelmed and needs the gift of space.
I’ve been backing off for two years now, Glow. It may not sound like it from my posts, but as I mentioned yesterday, I sometimes don’t even want to go home because all that backing off is hard sometimes. I still want to share myself with her and vice versa. I think you’re right. I think someday she’ll allow that.
But in the mean time, I have no intention of pulling a 360.
Hi LAN. You and I go back a long way. Hang in there, bud!
Lily,
I know you’re pleased about MF’s departure. Of course she misses his companionship, and of course she needs time to get over that. But I don’t feel that I can replace that companionship. It’s not like buying a new puppy to replace the one that was hit by a car. And she’d most certainly balk if she thought I was trying to take advantage. Perhaps that’s what she thinks I’m doing when I ask her out. But I’d rather be on her team.
I’m not going to back off to the extent that I won’t ask her to do things with me. But I can’t try to line myself up as a replacement for MF either. If she wants my friendship, it’s up to her to accept it. It’s there for the taking.
Yeah, JJ. It sounds great, but I've tried to weasle my way into her activities before, and that's exactly how she perceived it. Weaseling.
