A few years back I also prayed for my marriage to get that lust back. My life was so boring to me then. Same old job, same old clothes, same hairstyle, blah, blah, blah. I too was shocked when my H dropped the bomb, since I had no idea this is what we needed to go through to get our marriage back on track.
But it is & was. The biggest lesson I learned is to LOVE myself. I`m still learning, but I`m a better person for it. You can do this too. Ask God for help in learning to love yourself. I also found when I did finally accept the fact that it`s all in God`s hands, I know whatever the outcome, I`ll be just fine.
That is certainly one of the discoveries I made on this journey - to love myself. I also used to pray everyday .... for patience, to listen and wait for what needs to be.
I also found life was boring, I had no passion, etc. before the bomb. I think I was in a midlife transition, rather than a crisis. I started to take classes, went to Toastmasters, tried to meet new people, etc. I was starting to come out of my shell, and then .... POW ... the bomb! Ah well, at least I had already started on my own self-discovery trip.
I have also found that my sense of humour has been restored in all this. Thank goodness! One cannot be serious all the time, and so I started seeking out funny stories, watched the Comedy Channel, etc. Once I started laughing, I found things in my own life that was amusing, and I started not taking myself so seriously. Well, that's my story, anyway.
Just know that I too have been there. I think we are similar ages, with children leaving home, and we are questioning our roles in life, and where we fit in, etc.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I do believe that the biggest lesson I have to learn is to love myself. I will add that request to my prayers to God, to help me to learn to love myself. I know that I will be ok no matter what the outcome between H and I is. I just don't want to be with out him for the rest of my life. I don't NEED anyone, but I sure as he** want him.
I have been reading the book the proper care and feeding of a husband. I wonder if Dr. Laura believes in MLC. Reading this book though, I never did nag my H, we hardly ever argued, when he took up some social activities I encouraged him for the most part, he worked 24/7 but I knew why and was ok with it and so on. I admit that somtimes I thought he should be able to read my mind and I couldn't tell him what I wanted. I never stopped loving him. My mistakes were not putting him before the kids and when I was in my MLC I didn't want to have sex with him. Not realizing that sex was a mans way of saying I love you. One time I remember him saying to me that he wished I would talk to the family the same way I talked to my friends. I thought he meant that I just nagged the kids to much about helping keep the house clean ect. I wish I had asked for clarification to what he meant! When we first started to date he told me that he didn't like public displays of affection, he didn't like having someone hang off him and that he loved me but he wasn't going to tell me all the time that I would just have to know. I wish he would have been able to tell me that things had changed. He did tell me a few months before he left that he would like me to greet him when he came home, and I thought I was trying to do it, but I was not doing it right because now I know he wanted me to greet him wiht a hug and kiss. I wish he was more explicit in what he wanted but on the other hand I should have asked exactly what he wanted. I was still coming out of my own MLC when he asked me that one so maybe I was only half hearted in my attempts.So now I know all this, I am learning to communicate and try to be more touchy feely with my kids, how do I communicate this to H?
Any suggestions? I had thought about phoning Dr. Laura but I think I will save some money up and in a couple of months try some DB coaching instead.
I did read the book, and found it quite interesting. However, there some things in there that I used to do (and some I still do), and my H didn't even notice. Such as making sure dinner was ready when he came home (when I wasn't working), and trying to always be showered, dressed, and cheerful. Then we had twins! Ah well!
Some things are just not realistic, but we can work on it. I would, for instance, be nice if we all could have jobs where we can be home at certain times, etc. Where I come from (economy was down the tube, and lots of political upheaval), I had no choice but go to work. We needed the money, despite my H having a good job.
Those are the only parts I can remember, and some stuff she mentioned in her interview with Larry King.
I think the only mistake you made was to allow your H be the sole controller of how you conduct your emotional and romantic life. He starts off not wanting to be affectionate, then tells you he wants it, but you don't respond soon enough for his liking. Seems to me, you allowed your H way too much control. He comes across as rather selfish, not considering how you may feel about public displays of affection! But, then, my H did the same thing, in some ways. We just want to please them, and end up denying our own needs. That's just not right!!! They impose their needs and wants on us, then if we can't deliver when and how they like it, then somehow it's our fault. What about our needs and wants! Somehow, that gets forgotten. It's a two-way street.
I think it's always good to consult a C, when you have questions about your life. Whether it's Dr. Laura, or a DB coach, or someone in your community, it does help to bounce ideas around, and get an objective opinion.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I did read the book, and found it quite interesting. However, there some things in there that I used to do (and some I still do), and my H didn't even notice. Such as making sure dinner was ready when he came home (when I wasn't working), and trying to always be showered, dressed, and cheerful. Then we had twins! Ah well!
Some things are just not realistic, but we can work on it. It would, for instance, be nice if we all could have jobs where we can be home at certain times, etc. Where I come from (economy was down the tube, and lots of political upheaval), I had no choice but go to work. We needed the money, despite my H having a good job.
Those are the only parts I can remember, and some stuff she mentioned in her interview with Larry King.
I think the only mistake you made was to allow your H be the sole controller of how you conduct your emotional and romantic life. He starts off not wanting to be affectionate, then tells you he wants it, but you don't respond soon enough for his liking. Seems to me, you allowed your H way too much control. He comes across as rather selfish, not considering how you may feel about public displays of affection! But, then, my H did the same thing, in some ways. We just want to please them, and end up denying our own needs. That's just not right!!! They impose their needs and wants on us, then if we can't deliver when and how they like it, then somehow it's our fault. What about our needs and wants! Somehow, that gets forgotten. It's a two-way street.
I think it's always good to consult a C, when you have questions about your life. Whether it's Dr. Laura, or a DB coach, or someone in your community, it does help to bounce ideas around, and get an objective opinion.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Your H sounds just like mine did. Now your H has you believing all was your fault, & your taking the blame.
Quote: My mistakes were not putting him before the kids and when I was in my MLC I didn't want to have sex with him. Not realizing that sex was a mans way of saying I love you. One time I remember him saying to me that he wished I would talk to the family the same way I talked to my friends. I thought he meant that I just nagged the kids to much about helping keep the house clean ect. I wish I had asked for clarification to what he meant!
Quote: I thought I was trying to do it, but I was not doing it right
If you had a MLC as well, you should be able to understand his behavior? No?
My MLC was different than H's. I was in a very low depression. Didn't want to get dressed, shower, eat, or go out. All I wanted to do was sit in front of my computer and play bingo all day and night. In front of my friends, you would not have known anything was wrong.
BTW, sex isn't always a man's way of saying, 'I love you'. You went through your MLC, and came out of it without doing too much damage, IMO. Be kind to yourself, and don't let him blame you for his poor choices.
Take care!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You are right that sex is not the only way to say I love you, but my H is not one for a lot of words and I believe this was his main way. I am being kind to myself, I believe these are the lessons that I have to learn to make my marriage a better one. These are some of the lessons I have to learn. I have many to learn, and so does H.
Ah well! 
But, then, my H did the same thing, in some ways. We just want to please them, and end up denying our own needs. That's just not right!!! They impose their needs and wants on us, then if we can't deliver when and how they like it, then somehow it's our fault. What about our needs and wants! Somehow, that gets forgotten. It's a two-way street. 