One thing H said when he left was that he couldn't be who I wanted him to be. He is doing everything I wanted from him with her.
I don't know what he thought I wanted him to be. We had (or I had) been trying to work on our M for about 6 months before he left by spending more time together and being more affectionate with each other which leads to what I said in the first paragraph. Closer to the time that he left I could see some things but ignored them. As an example, one time I was sitting in his lap watching TV with him when OW pulled up in the drivewayy and he almost threw me on the floor. His excuse was to see what she wanted when she was just picking up a kid. I see know that he didn't want her to see us in that position.
We were both pretty independent. But we respected each other for what we were doing and supported each other. Maybe I was too independent. Maybe I am still being to independent. OW is really needy, which she really hasn't shown yet becasue she hasn't had to. H used to work 24/7, but not now. He only, it seems, works in the shop when she is at work. So she is getting all of his time and right now he is happy to do so. People have told me that she has shown her jealousy, but he is not letting her be that way. For now, I'm sure, she is doing what he wants, but we will see. With her H, if anyone looked at or talked to him, and if looks could kill, you'd be dead. She was doing that with my H before she or my H had left their spouses.
Ove the past year, H has dropped some hints about helping me with some things around the house, but I have been trying to show him that I don't need him, that I have always wanted him, but not needed him (this is something he has always said, you are supposed to want me, but you should never need me). Plus, if I let him do things for me around the house, then I have to wait for it to get done.
So how do I change from being too independent. I have waited a long time for things to be done around here. I want to do the renovations (actually I have to). I would kill to have him do them so that it is his work in the house (which I have wanted for 15 years). But how do I get this done without waiting another 15 years.
Part of his problem is his guilt about never finishing the house. How do I go about this without adding to his guilt. If he does the work, maybe it will get rid of his guilt? If I do the work, maybe it will add to his guilt.
I need to see the house finished.
Some of my friends say I should dump the house, but there are a few reasons I want to hang on to it. 1) I promised my D to stay in this town till she graduated (3 years) 2) I need to see the house finished and be able to enjoy it for a couple of years before I sell it 3) It is my savings plan/retirement fund 4) H's shop is his safe haven. If things start to go wrong for him and OW, I will know it by how much time he spends out there.
I sooooo miss my best friend and I am so lonely. The house is so quiet when the kids are out.
