mlc or infidelity? how can you tell the difference

[cat03]

hmmm, I'm still wondering what good would that do, other than enraging your H by mixing his work and home issues, anyways, what's done is done.

You should go to C alone then, you need someone to talk to. As well as I coped (after the first horrific 2mths) I slowly was becoming unglued. You need an outlet, and as well meaning as your mom might be you need a professional to guide you for a while.

My H also had separation papers ready and show them to me, nothing came out of them because 1) I stalled 2) I told him I was in no way ready to deal w/him leaving and a legal separation. So the fact that he has those papers doesn't mean it is the end, don't loose hope.

How were things before all these things happened? it is sometimes helpful to look back and see where things went wrong, it takes two to tangle, but if anything else, this terrible trials teach us something about ourselves.

[chicki]

things have not been good for years. for the pst six months i was sensing H distancing so i tried harder to make things right by going on weeeekly dates when his mom was here for the summer and doing other things, but by then it ws too late his EA had beeen going on for years & I beleive it has becoem an PA here recently especiall sfter this Saturday when he did not coem home until Sunday afternoon. Last night I found a new pair of silk underpants in his drawer. H never buys those! Hmmm.. gee I wonder why he got them? H still denies anything of course. My mom says to not speak unless absolutely necessary or if spoken to. H said he started talking to OW when i was not speaking to him, but since then he soesn't want me to talk or to anything with him! So, i am back to the silent treatment... this was day two of my DD not sleeping w/ me & H did not come over, but right now I prefer it that way. I know God is given me strength when i start to pity him. R u still seperated?

[cat03]

My mom says to not speak unless absolutely necessary or if spoken to

Again, family members mean well and she has your best interest, but this is by far the worst advice you could get. If you refuse also to communicate this gives him more "ammunition" and "good reasons" to pull away and go to ow. BE YOURSELF, speak to him, if he doesn't respond, who's the one who looks bad, you or him? Be civil, if he doesn't anwer back that's on him, the silent treatment on your end isn't helping things. He is using her as a bandaid so a wound he has.

Keep your dd on her bed, where she belongs, I'm sort of guessing it's a common occurrence, you bringing her to your bed, don't do it anymore-- aside from using her to push your H off the bed you also confuse her. My kids are never allowed to sleep w/me, even when my H isnt' home, they know my bed is mine and daddy's, they can play and watch TV on it, but no sleeping as much as they ask.

Im not separated anymore, my H came back after leaving for 7mths in which he had a PA, I only knew about it much later when it was over and he was back. I had good reasons to give him the silent treatment or shun him when he was away, he had pull the rug off my feet, was aloof, wanted a D and talked about selling our home.
But I strived, by God's grace, to return his agravations with kindness, and in the long run it paid off, he realized that in the end only I cared for him truly, when his drinking buddies and ow shove him off.

Work on your 180s, if in the past you gave him the silent treatment when he treated unkindly or gave you the silent treatment talk to him, not in a pushy way nor forceful, just carry on about your business, again, who will look bad, you or him if when you talk to him he doesnt' answer?

Your H distanced himself for a reason, I'm not trying to pull all the blame on you, but please take a hard look at how things have been going in your M. Accept the things you've done wrong and let him know, he might not believe you nor act relieved right then, but you will have make a step into healing, if not your M then at least yourself.

Get the book I suggested, and please, please, see therapist or join a womans' support group, the group (sponsered by my county) I attended was God sent, I couldn't have done it without them. Do not involve any more family members, had I know about my H's A and exposed it to my family they would've hated him forever-- that's the other reason he came back, virtually no one knew, there are tons of WAH on this board that didnt' come back because they thought too much damage had been done and that it was too late.

[chicki]

Thank you sooo much. You are so insightful and obviuosly God has given you plenty of wisdom. I tried going to one of my pastors, but he doesn't beleive in giving only one half of the party counseling. I really do need it. That book who is the author? I just ordered two- "not just freinds by Glass & Boundaries in marrige by Townsend. Today my H and I were emailing back and forth cuz I told him even if he goes down south to his cousins for new years I want to spend it w/ my dd's too & replied for me to drive seperately in my own car, I said sure! When I mentioned about his silky undies that in all our years 2gether he has never bought any he said I would need more than religion to save me that I needed drugs. I said it's not religion that saves it's your relationship with HIM. H said he didn't want to be mean to me anymore, but that if I didn't stop the stupid emails he would really star hating me. I said he can be mean & come & go as he wants and I would still have the peace of the Lord, but to stop taking our dd's around her! H said he will do as he wants as long they are willing to go.
I wonder if it will be easier if H was living out of the home? I will go back to my 180's. I just have to remember it is not him, it is the demons in him that make him be mean.

[cat03]

he doesn't beleive in giving only one half of the party counseling

I'm sorry, but that sounds like an ignorant thing for him to say, specially coming from a pastor! You need a professional licenced councelor, there is a huge difference, trust me, my H and I did see a pastor at the beginning, then settled for a pastoral councelor, a christian councelor, best person we found, our insurance covered our visits.

As for the rude comment your H made about you and needing help, I would'nt bat an eye, people in your H's situation are know for pushing their spouses' buttons, to, again, confirm their erroneous choices (leaving home, having an op)

Keep your emails short and email only if you have to since he is having a prob w/that. I do hope somehow he understands mixing the kids in his mess isnt' good, that is a shame.

I wonder if it will be easier if H was living out of the home?

You mean easier on him to see the ow and do whatever, or easier on you so you don't deal w/his poor attitude? There is more of a chance to patch the M if the S doesn't leave, so I wouldn't think about kicking him out.

The book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is by Laura Schlessinger, another excellent book w/a christian persperctive is Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage by Gary Rosberg, I highly recommend both, wish someone would've given me those books before.

[chicki]

My H is either uncomfortable sleeping on the futon or he is having trouble sleeping....hmmmmm I wonder y... I sure hope gos is answering one of my many prayers that H will feeel so remorsefull and that God will speak to him in his dreams. Last nite H kept on getting up ALL nite long & he again was opening and closing my door. I will not invite him to sleep w/ me though I reminded him yesturday that sleeping separately was initially his idea. I figure H can see that DD is no longer in bed w/ me so H can come back anytime. This morning I told H I was having some freinds from church over 2 nite for prayer circle and that if he wants to stay out as usual it's ok. H response- How many people, for how long and the big one oh is your church boyfreind going to come? I di not answer that on as I didn't feel like arguing and I know H is only projecting by giving me a "boyfreind". H then became frusturated and said he had something to do,but will be home and crank his music to annoy me while everyone is here.yeah sure! I did not respond whatsoever, I kept doing what I was doing.
Last nite I did try my first 180 (from not doing any in a while) I texted him that there was dinner for him if he cared ( it almost eight and I knew he wouldn't be home till late anyway).

[cat03]

ah!!! do you see the difference here? your 180 is keeping your dd in her bed, and it is working, that's why he kept opening your door. As you can plainly see he is trying SO hard to push your buttons ("church boyfriend" loud music, etc)
You are doing good, keep your cool like youve been doing, don't let him drag you w/his bad attitude

And it's also nice that you still have dinner ready for him, do inform him that it is ready, (just dropped the 'if he cared' part, let him be the jerk,) you keep being nice, and I promise you, all the good changes you make will benefit YOU first, he'll also see that you aren't the vindictive witch he's trying to make out of you, keep giving out kindness.

At some point (after my H came back) I was feeling drained that I kept giving affection and everything else I could to my H and he was still not giving me any affirmation nor attention. I told my C that I felt drained, and he asked me "are you giving out of your soul or are you giving what you receive from God?"

When God is our source of energy, kindness and love, we give what He gives us without expecting much in return from others. It is hard not to see inmediate fruits to our work, but our acts plant seeds, tiny seeds that in time will flourish.

Hang in there gal.

[chicki]

my dd has never liked sleeping by herself and now evrynite she asks and wines her way into me letting her sleep w/ me, but I haven't since this past weekend! She say why you & daddy aren't fighting?
Anyways, I will let you know how 2nite's prayer circle @ the house goes (let's see if H actually shows up liek he said he would to annoy me) I hope he shows,but only to get a dose of the Almighty's power
Please keep the good advice coming. I can't afford a counselor, but your advice comes from God's giving you wisdom and I thank you!!!!

[chicki]

cat03
Just before my prayer freinds came over I was looking through H's dirty close(as usual) & this was the first time I actually found the evidence, real proof that I've been looking for (cum on his "wife beater" shirt!!!!!! Oh God!!!! I wanted 2 confront him so that H will finally confess, but instead I called my mom & she said the enmy was trying to steal my peace and destroy what was about to happen 2 nite, she said not to confront H. That it will get me no where. What are your thoughts? I really need to hear from you this morning!!!!! I could not get that mental picture out of my head. I really believe that this past weekend is when it finally became physical and especially by the look on his face when he returned home Sunday afternoon. Please advice!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I knew, but I was not sure it had become physical yet, until now. This is what I mean by maybe it will be easer on my heart if we were living seperately and H could see if the grass is really greener on the other side.

[cat03]

umm, I wouldn't take the shirt as sure sign that he's into a PA, there are other ways that could've happen, uh, he coudl've been giving himself a hand job, why would he had semen on him[/i ]if he were being intimate w/someone else? I wouldn't bring it up if I were you.

It is easy to read a WHOLE lot more into little things when dealing w/a supposed A (I acted like a fool 2x this month about something I thought had to do w/the ow when it turned out to be harmless, so this is experience talking.)

It took my H about 7mths to see that indeed, the grass wasnt' greener on the other side, lots of times separation do make a S see reality... other times it pushes them farther into the mess, so far that at some point they are either unwilling or unable to come back, I see it on so many situations on this board. So it is a win-lose situation if you ask him to leave, it isnt' guaranted that he'll see the light.

It is truly sad when the kids witness fights, I know as much as I tried not to have my son overhear he's listened to one to many fights and he also asked me "mom, why do you and dad fight so much?" I did appologize to him and told him that his dad I had some misunderstandings, that's all he needed to know. You dont' need to go into detail, kids dont' need this kind of responsibility right now, their whole world is based on us, so they dont' know to know the gruesome details of why daddy is acting like a jerk.

I'm guessing you'd use this "punishment" often, bringing your dd to bed, so she is really used to it. Be firm and dont' allow it anymore, it really is detrimental to your M to kick your H out of the bed. Go to the library and check out the books I suggested, I coudnt' afford books either, so I'd take kids there and while they'd play on the computer or did puzzles I'd check out their R books.