I don't know; like Mattie, I feel as if I can relate to what is driving your W, Andy.
She apparently is tired and feels so many demands that she can't handle yours on top of everything.
Why do you need to express this all the time? Obviously, the results are BAD. I don't like the undercurrent I'm hearing here, Andy. I'm going to be blunt.
It's not really for you to decide how much she can handle. The woman has several kids, including a special needs kid, and you seem to have this idea that she gets to loll around at home while they are in school. You feel resentful and it's coming through LOUD AND CLEAR. You're complaining because you work all day and then have to help with the dishes, etc. And then you're complaining that you don't get the loving attention that you (naturally) want from your wife.
She hears this as yet another demand on her, instead of something that replenishes the both of you. And since the resentment is coming through cyberland, I'm certain it comes through in real life.
Instead of focusing on how much she's not appreciating you, you need to MODEL the appreciation you crave. It may sound "unfair" and backwards, but we're ALL in the same boat here! We all had to be the ones who modeled positive change to bring our erring spouses back.
I don't know your entire story, and I'm sure you're at the bottom of your rope, too, and need replenishing, but you need to TRY different things and DO MORE OF WHAT WORKS. Your special needs child may be tipping the balance here. Your image of him clinging to you "like a dirty shirt" was particularly disturbing.
You need to find some OTHER way of replenishing your spirit without making demands on your wife and feeding your resentment. Because the way you're headed now it sounds to me as if you are getting ready to justify leaving your wife with those kids!
Try nonsexual NONDEMANDING ways to caress your wife, by word and deed. Flowers, brushing her hair, massaging her feet, taking the kids out ---without mentioning ALL the 'time' she has when they are in school!
When she no longer has to arm herself against your demands and resentments I'll bet she will reciprocate. I'm not blaming you or saying this is reasonable of your W. I'm just guessing from what you're saying here that this is how she feels and why she's reacting the way she is. I now understand your subject title here: 180 + 180 = 360. Don't beat yourself up, but look for signs of this resentment and expectations and try to get rid of them!
My H was just home for 2 weeks, and we ran into this very problem. Altho our first few days were very nice, my H kept wanting us to do something "special" one evening. Meanwhile, I guess he expected me to make all the arrangements for where our s would be and then thought he could *resent* the evening not happening.
Luckily, after we spoke about it he realized that since I had an event I'd had to organize that week, and since he'd INVITED me, he should've made all the arrangements.
The fact that your W did call and invite you out shows she does hear you. If you then complain about all the effort it took to get her to do this, maybe you should look at your own expectations.
I hope you can hear this in the spirit it's offered. It is easier for those of us with older kids to concentrate on reconciliation. But you are adding a burden to your W by viewing the kids as competition. I don't say you shouldn't VENT here---you should. But from what I'm hearing you are making noises about not going through this anymore, and it is my belief that leaving your family would cause *more* hurt and damage. Do the impossible and focus on the good, and I believe your efforts will be noticed and bring you what you desire!
