Quote: I think you were there when I posted that she said I was patient with her. It’s very frustrating when she reverses that stance by getting impatient with the fact that I want to spend more time with her.
Or she perhaps she feels you have lost your patience and may become frustrated with that herself. You need to watch out for this.
Quote: W is a stay-at-home mom. Our kids are all in school, so 5 days a week, she can come and go as she pleases. If she wants to come home to a quiet house, all she has to do is go for a walk around the block.
Yes, you have mentioned this countless times and I've been to dense to pick up on it yet. Sorry.
Quote: Thanks for all of your advice, KAW. But I have other stresses too, and I honestly don’t think I can handle much more. Y’know something? I work long hours and still spend much of my evenings and weekends trying to help (dishes, clean doggy-doo, wash floors) I’m not perfect, but I really try hard. And I do spend time with the kids. Not all the fun stuff either. S#2 sticks like me like a dirty shirt when W isn’t there. Of course, she doesn’t see that, but it’s true.
I do understand where you are coming from here. But that doesn't mean she will always have keep those blinders on. Try to believe that one day those blinders will come off.
Quote: I don’t want to turn it into a business transaction. Know what I mean?
I wasn't really implying that, but I still think offering before she asks might bring a good turn for another.
Or she perhaps she feels you have lost your patience and may become frustrated with that herself. You need to watch out for this.
Of course you’re right. I do all I can so that she doesn’t see my frustration. Of course, it’s impossible to hide completely, and she recognizes that too.
I do understand where you are coming from here. But that doesn't mean she will always have keep those blinders on. Try to believe that one day those blinders will come off.
I try to believe that. Part of my method is not to think of it in terms of “blinders” LOL.
I don’t want to turn it into a business transaction. Know what I mean?
I wasn't really implying that, but I still think offering before she asks might bring a good turn for another.
Of course I know you didn’t mean that, KAW. How crass do you think I think you are? My point is that that’s how I’d feel. I also don’t want to lead W into thinking that way or into thinking that I think that way.
Andy-He wants out-he wants to leave me again! He says he does not beleive I'll change. I can't believe he would put us through this-we have been together since high school. WHat can I do? C talked him out of leaving right away. SHe told me to go back to work-do not bring up OW at all and told Adrian to assure me he is not having contact with her which I know he won't. I don't even believe he is talkingto her anymore but he is not happy here with me. He says he still loves me, but I don;t think he is IN love with me anymore.What am I going to do Andy?? Rachael
It was a long weekend here in Canada. All weekend (except Monday – I was too bushed), I took the boys out to a coffee shop first thing in the morning. Tried to give W a little quiet, and hey. It was nice.
Sunday, W and I went to the movie. It was nice, I suppose. I don’t know how much effort it was for W to be with me, but I guess it wasn’t too bad. She did offer.
The rest of the weekend W was painting D#2’s room, and I puttered around. Pffffffft.
I find myself reticent to go home from work. Who needs to come home to the same-old same-old. I’m not much of a priority in W’s life, and when I get home to do a bunch of chores before karate, it’s just more of the same-old same-old.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be important enough for W to make a real effort. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s not worth the effort. Maybe all we have anymore is the business of bringing up our kids. Maybe the rest isn’t worth the effort.
Not looking for advice right now. Just building up the courage to go home.
andy, something i don't get...doesn't your w want more? more love, passion, partnership? is she content? are you so trusty and familiar she doesn't notice you? is she so secure that you will just hang around and waste away that she feels she doesn't need to make an effort? is she resentful of you or angry, does she want you to suffer as some consequence to something we don't know about? i understand she is tired, i can only imagine how hectic it must be with 4 kids, one sp. ed. is she content with her place in life? what would happen if you demanded to spend some alone time, that you both were worth it, that the marriage needed it? something to shake things up somehow. for a long time i was so trapped by my fear of abandonement i subjagated all my needs. i also understand that there is a time for everything and this may be just a flat period in your relationship. has w gone to dr yet? lisa
I don't know; like Mattie, I feel as if I can relate to what is driving your W, Andy.
She apparently is tired and feels so many demands that she can't handle yours on top of everything.
Why do you need to express this all the time? Obviously, the results are BAD. I don't like the undercurrent I'm hearing here, Andy. I'm going to be blunt.
It's not really for you to decide how much she can handle. The woman has several kids, including a special needs kid, and you seem to have this idea that she gets to loll around at home while they are in school. You feel resentful and it's coming through LOUD AND CLEAR. You're complaining because you work all day and then have to help with the dishes, etc. And then you're complaining that you don't get the loving attention that you (naturally) want from your wife.
She hears this as yet another demand on her, instead of something that replenishes the both of you. And since the resentment is coming through cyberland, I'm certain it comes through in real life.
Instead of focusing on how much she's not appreciating you, you need to MODEL the appreciation you crave. It may sound "unfair" and backwards, but we're ALL in the same boat here! We all had to be the ones who modeled positive change to bring our erring spouses back.
I don't know your entire story, and I'm sure you're at the bottom of your rope, too, and need replenishing, but you need to TRY different things and DO MORE OF WHAT WORKS. Your special needs child may be tipping the balance here. Your image of him clinging to you "like a dirty shirt" was particularly disturbing.
You need to find some OTHER way of replenishing your spirit without making demands on your wife and feeding your resentment. Because the way you're headed now it sounds to me as if you are getting ready to justify leaving your wife with those kids!
Try nonsexual NONDEMANDING ways to caress your wife, by word and deed. Flowers, brushing her hair, massaging her feet, taking the kids out ---without mentioning ALL the 'time' she has when they are in school!
When she no longer has to arm herself against your demands and resentments I'll bet she will reciprocate. I'm not blaming you or saying this is reasonable of your W. I'm just guessing from what you're saying here that this is how she feels and why she's reacting the way she is. I now understand your subject title here: 180 + 180 = 360. Don't beat yourself up, but look for signs of this resentment and expectations and try to get rid of them!
My H was just home for 2 weeks, and we ran into this very problem. Altho our first few days were very nice, my H kept wanting us to do something "special" one evening. Meanwhile, I guess he expected me to make all the arrangements for where our s would be and then thought he could *resent* the evening not happening.
Luckily, after we spoke about it he realized that since I had an event I'd had to organize that week, and since he'd INVITED me, he should've made all the arrangements.
The fact that your W did call and invite you out shows she does hear you. If you then complain about all the effort it took to get her to do this, maybe you should look at your own expectations.
I hope you can hear this in the spirit it's offered. It is easier for those of us with older kids to concentrate on reconciliation. But you are adding a burden to your W by viewing the kids as competition. I don't say you shouldn't VENT here---you should. But from what I'm hearing you are making noises about not going through this anymore, and it is my belief that leaving your family would cause *more* hurt and damage. Do the impossible and focus on the good, and I believe your efforts will be noticed and bring you what you desire!
Im sure that your wife does feel the resentment you hold over the way that things are now. I know that you keep saying that you are "accepting" the situation at hand, I'm not convinced that you truly have.
"You need to find some OTHER way of replenishing your spirit"
I thought this pretty much hit the nail on the head.
"Instead of focusing on how much she's not appreciating you, you need to MODEL the appreciation you crave."
Leading by example. Usually the best way to get people to follow you where you want to go.
JJ
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it's interesting that so many people can read the same things and get different senses of it. i never felt from reading andy's thread that he was resentful towards his wife. i get the sense that you (andy) love your wife with all your heart, do everything you can think of and are capable of to do your share and want the fun and intimacy back in your relationship. i get the feeling you are frustrated with your w's lack of enthusiasm and affection. you both have such full plates. you are trying to make the marriage a priority, your w just can't right now. i hope you are having a peaceful evening. lisa
Sorry. 
But that doesn't mean she will always have keep those blinders on. Try to believe that one day those blinders will come off.