Hope you have a great weekend too. H still doesn't feel like he wants to kiss me (his words) and he doesn't really understand why. He held my hand as we went to sleep last night which was nice. I need to find a way to stop myself wanting more. It is torture! I have now finished reading 5LL and now know why I'm struggling so much with this peicing stage. My primary LL is physical touch and my secondary is words of affirmation (kind of knew this about myself already but am positive about it now) I'm not getting either of my LL's fulfilled so there's no wonder I keep feeling low. H says he needs to feel right about everything in his head first???? What on earth does that mean???? He says he's really happy, I'm exactly how he wanted me to be before he left and he thinks I'm "fit" and its not about being attracted to me. Hope I never feel like this because it is so mixed up I can't begin to get it.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now, but it really does take ALOT of patience and ALOT of dieing to self.
What are you doing to keep yourself busy? It just seems like your whole life is centered around what your Husband is doing and maybe if you had a hobby or an outlet, it might take some of the pressure off of him.
What many women do NOT understand, is that sex is not just a physical thing to men, it is also an emotional experience, much like it is for a woman. They can't just turn themselves on if their head isn't right.
The more you dwell on the fact that your Husband is ignorning your needs, the worse it will become in your head.
Right now he has to set the pace. Too much pressure will turn him off. When he is ready to resume intimacy again, you really will be the first to know!
Once my H dropped the D bomb, our sex life came to a crashing halt. There were occasional hugs with a tap on the back (,making me feel like a good puppy) but that was all.
It took 2 years to get to the point I am at. And he still is not home yet. Once you stop making this a personal issue and stop making it the focus of your being, you will feel better.
Continue to work on yourself, make those changes, it takes a long time for those changes to be real, until then you are just white knuckling it. We have all been there, trying to do things in our own strength.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: What are you doing to keep yourself busy? It just seems like your whole life is centered around what your Husband is doing and maybe if you had a hobby or an outlet, it might take some of the pressure off of him.
Yeah, I know it seems a bit like that from my posts but I think that is because I tend to just journal on here/vent about what is going on with H rather than the other stuff I'm doing which makes me happy! I am very busy during the day and the evenings. My problem is that being busy doesn't stop me wanting to kiss or ML with H when he is lying there next to me going to sleep. I kind of think maybe I should stay up until he's gone to sleep to make it easier on myself but then I think I'll be sending him wrong signals. I don't know what the answer is - well - I know LOTS of patience - but patience doesn't stop me needing physical contact.
Quote: What many women do NOT understand, is that sex is not just a physical thing to men, it is also an emotional experience, much like it is for a woman. They can't just turn themselves on if their head isn't right.
I do get this mostly, however, when you first start dating a guy and "things" happen they are not generally madly in love with you at that time yet they are certainly up for it so this conflicts a little I think.
Quote: Right now he has to set the pace. Too much pressure will turn him off. When he is ready to resume intimacy again, you really will be the first to know!
H has said I will be first to know too. I know I'm terrible - I just want to know everything will be OK. If I knew we would eventually be intimate again I would feel better. I'm just so worried he won't ever feel like that about me and then mine and my S's heart will be broken all over again and possibly worse than before after living together in a happy home rather than constant arguing.
Quote: (,making me feel like a good puppy)
that's how I feel right now with what I'm getting from H. Feels kind of patronising not loving.
Quote: It took 2 years to get to the point I am at. And he still is not home yet.
Wow you must have such amazing strength to have held on that long.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
I know that in your head things should be working now because you are how you think he wants you to be and that you look good, but he has his own pace and it won't happen at your pace, in your timing. Remember, men dont' talk R like we do, so you can't ask him either because it is like pulling teeth to have most men talk about their emotions.
On mama's thread is a great post about how the pressure of having sex actually kills that desire. I know it is easier said than done, I myself have had many tearlful talks w/my H about him not ML to me as often as I wanted to. But take what he gives you and concentrate of being happy that he is back, it is easy to forget that having our H's back to begin is a HUGE thing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You have put it exactly how I'm feeling - like err "what else do you need everythings great?" That is exactly how I feel. You're right about the pulling teeth too. My H has never been able to have R talks. Someone on another thread suggested I try to be the person he fell in love with and what was it about me he fell in love with and I don't know what it is because if I ever asked H even when things were good he wasn't able to tell me!
Quote:
On mama's thread is a great post about how the pressure of having sex actually kills that desire. I know it is easier said than done, I myself have had many tearlful talks w/my H about him not ML to me as often as I wanted to.
I can see how that works actually. H has gone back to kissing me on the head when he is leaving the house but now has a painful expression on his face when he does it. I can tell he doesn't really want to. I'm thinking of saying to him that he doesn't have to do that if it makes him feel uncomfortable. Or do you think I should just not mention it?
I am also wondering if I should ask him the questionnaire at the end of 5LL book to find out what his LL but don't know if this is a good idea either.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
Well it seems my 180's are really working well for me. (well 180's that have turned into complete 100% changes in me for good). H asked if it was OK for him to stop over at a colleagues after his night out tonight as they will be drinking and quite a way from home. I said yes. I got 3 kisses ON THE LIPS!!!!!!
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
Quote: It takes a while, but our H's feelings are coming back
Yes at last I am starting to see some real improvement in H's feelings!!
We went out for dinner and to watch a film last night. We had a great time and H even opened the car door for me - I can't remember the last time he did that - he always used to in the beginning!! And best of all he stretched his arm out for me to lay on to go to sleep it was so lovely I almost couldn't get to sleep!
This morning before he left he kissed me on the lips again. I also noticed he has taken his wedding ring from where it has been since he left and put it on the bedside table. I got really excited when I saw this and thought it might be so he could wear it today but he hasn't put it on but he is doing a rough job today so maybe he just doesn't want it to be damaged. We had a little disagreement today which again was sorted really quickly without it escalating and it was H who initiated keeping it calm. I feel like I'm nearly able to say I've busted my D!!
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
I feel like I'm messing up all the time. Its like the longer H is back without saying he's staying or something the more anxious I'm feeling. I have felt very insecure today. H let me cuddle up behind him last night when we went to sleep. It was really nice. We had a bit of verbal teasing to do with ML and I think that is why I feel insecure today. H initiated it and he says what I said was fine and didn't bother him but I'm worried in case it has made him feel pressured. I can't seem to stop worrying that I've upset him or freaked him out and that he is going to leave. We had a lot of laughs today and he kissed me on the lips again before he left for work. Looks like all my goodnight kisses will be on the lips now I don't get it why I feel so insecure.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
I have now finished reading 5LL and now know why I'm struggling so much with this peicing stage. My primary LL is physical touch and my secondary is words of affirmation (kind of knew this about myself already but am positive about it now) I'm not getting either of my LL's fulfilled so there's no wonder I keep feeling low. H says he needs to feel right about everything in his head first???? What on earth does that mean???? He says he's really happy, I'm exactly how he wanted me to be before he left and he thinks I'm "fit" and its not about being attracted to me. Hope I never feel like this because it is so mixed up I can't begin to get it. 
H has said I will be first to know too. I know I'm terrible - I just want to know everything will be OK. If I knew we would eventually be intimate again I would feel better. I'm just so worried he won't ever feel like that about me and then mine and my S's heart will be broken all over again and possibly worse than before after living together in a happy home rather than constant arguing.
I feel like I'm messing up all the time. Its like the longer H is back without saying he's staying or something the more anxious I'm feeling. I have felt very insecure today. H let me cuddle up behind him last night when we went to sleep. It was really nice. We had a bit of verbal teasing to do with ML and I think that is why I feel insecure today. H initiated it and he says what I said was fine and didn't bother him but I'm worried in case it has made him feel pressured. I can't seem to stop worrying that I've upset him or freaked him out and that he is going to leave. We had a lot of laughs today and he kissed me on the lips again before he left for work. Looks like all my goodnight kisses will be on the lips now I don't get it why I feel so insecure.