HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

Well isn't alcohol an amazing substance! H came back from the pub last night quite drunk made himself something to eat and came and sat on my/our bed (I'd gone to bed but was still awake) we talked for a while then he cleared things off his side of the bed and said "I'll sleep here tonight OK!" I just said you don't have to in an I'm not bothered fashion and he said "I'm not saying its a big deal or anything" He then got into bed next to me and fell asleep! I was a little worried that he might wake up wondering why he'd done it but he was quite happy this morning and even brought me some OJ in and made me breakfast!

I'm under no illusions that it was just because he was drunk but maybe it has taken away the scariness of sleeping in bed with me for him. H always used to say what he really thought when he was drunk so maybe it was a good thing. I think he will be back in "his" room tonight although we are going to be getting drunk together tonight so we'll see.

[inpain_dup1]

H called earlier to say that we are now not going to his sisters either as she has called off (she always does this - thought she would but didn't say anything) and before I even had chance to think that we would not be doing anything he said he thought we'd go back to the restaurant where we went last month for our "date". So now I get to dress up again

My copy of 5LL arrived today so will be reading that to try and get some more ideas.

[123snap]

play it cool

take it very slow, I know, believe me I know how hard it is to do that. I need the constant reminder myself

good luck

[inpain_dup1]

Hi 123snap.

Yes its very hard to be cool isn't it. I have calmed down a little from the last week where I have just seemed to be in a constant panic. After the little chat H had with me and him saying he hasn't moved back in to move back out I feel calmer and its like he said a few weeks is nothing if we are together for the rest of our lives.

He slept in our bed again last night and he wasn't drunk this time!!!! He was still teetering off the edge as far away from me as possible but its a lot closer than the spare room. I made him breakfast in bed today as he made me breakfast yesterday. Its strange because if we do get back together properly I will be kind of grateful to H for doing this as apart from the no ML at the moment everything is great - so much better than before the bomb.

We had a fantastic night last night too. I was thinking maybe the first "date" was a bit of a fluke how we chatted and laughed so much but last night was the same and H was really attentive doing things for me like in the past. I felt like I had my H back! I dropped something in the car and it went under the seat and he jumped out the car straight away to come round and get them for me and opened my cream pot I was struggling with. If things keep on like this I can't see why H would not want to stay!

[inpain_dup1]

Why does the happiness from a baby step not last very long? I feel so unloved today. I spent last night fixing a pocket in H's new jacket that had torn. It took over an hour and when he tried it on he was so rough with it that it ripped again and although he was joking all he did was be sarcastic that I hadn't done it well enough - not a single thank you for doing it in the first place. I went to sleep feeling very low. H stayed up and came to bed after I was asleep. This morning I let him lie in and made him breakfast when he got up and sandwiches for his lunch at work. He said he felt lazy as I seemed to be doing so much compared to prebomb. I said that was how it was meant to be because he went out to work and my job was to do all the things around the house. He said he thought it was lovely but felt a little guilty that he was doing nothing. He got ready for work and kissed S goodbye. He was about to go and then gave me a really begrudging kiss on the head and went. I just want to burst into tears. I am doing so much to show my love for him and none of it is melting his heart or whatever it is he needs to happen inside to want to kiss me and love me. I kind of wish now that he'd move back into the spare room until he is ready to ML because I'm really not liking him sleeping next to me so close when he is obviously miles away from me in his head. I know I probably sound like I'm never satisfied its just that everything I seem to wish for and get turns out to just hurt even more.

[cat03]

Oh honey, it's just one of those days, dont' come unglued now!

You are doing things to please him and are expecting and expecting a return of your investment now. Give without expecting anything back, give freely without a string attached, give because it makes you happy as well, that way you wont hold any grudges.

Would you settle for cuddling for now? do you kiss good night? When my H was still distanced in the affection dept. I at least held his hand at night for a bit in bed, it grew from there, take it slowly.

Contrary to women's believes, men also need to feel a connection before getting physical, he needs some more time. Over all, SPEAK up, I dont' mean nag, but gently you can let him know that you'd like it if he'd hug you/hold you more often for example, at least to begin with. It baffled me how my H seemed almost shocked to know that by just holding me I'd feel alright, he was like "and that helps?".

He will come around, I was feeling the same way you do a few months back, now things are so much better, not perfect, but so much better between my H and I, it will be ok.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Cat

Sure hope it is just one of those days. I am crying again and feel very hurt. It is a good job he is at work otherwise I would be asking him why he doesn't want to kiss me. I just need to know why. I'm scared it won't come back and I know for a fact I don't want to be M to him if it is just going to be platonic - I can't live like that.

Would you settle for cuddling for now? do you kiss good night? When my H was still distanced in the affection dept. I at least held his hand at night for a bit in bed, it grew from there, take it slowly.

Yes I would settle for cuddling now. No we don't kiss good night. He isn't even saying good night let alone kissing. I was thinking of asking if I could lay my head on his shoulder or something but I don't want to push him further away. And he certainly won't let me hold his hand I don't think. When I link my arm in his when we're walking he says it makes him uncomfortable. I don't understand how it makes him uncomfortable if he finds me attractive.

Contrary to women's believes, men also need to feel a connection before getting physical, he needs some more time. Over all, SPEAK up, I dont' mean nag, but gently you can let him know that you'd like it if he'd hug you/hold you more often for example, at least to begin with

I do understand that he needs to feel a connection, what I don't get is why he doesn't feel a connection. Everything he ever said he was unhappy with has been fixed and he seems really happy. I think he is scared to do it because of how it was when I was ill. I have made it more than clear I am back to the old me in the ML department.

I don't so much feel begrudged that I'm doing all these things and getting nothing in return its more that I thought that by doing them it would make him want me if you see what I mean. I am still happy to do them without getting anything. I'm wondering if I should be doing something different?

[cat03]

I think you are doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you. It hurts to still "shelve" our desires for our Hs, for for now, you must allow him time to warm up to you.

I posted earlier on today that even now that my H and I ML often, kiss, hug, etc etc, he texted me that deep down he thinks I'd still might take revenge on him for leaving me. I was shocked to say the least, that he'd think such a thing! but there it was. He texted me that had the sitchs were reversed he'd be so angry and hurt he'd feel that way and still has a hard time believing I dont think ill of him. Read toughlover's thread, he's post awesome stuff on his thread. His wife used to have such a" wall" between them that many a times he'd say that even thought they do stuff together, ML, etc, he felt dead inside because she was just going through the motions.

But time and detachment and working on himself set him free, and you know what happened? his W came (emotionally) back to him.

[inpain_dup1]

I posted earlier on today that even now that my H and I ML often, kiss, hug, etc etc, he texted me that deep down he thinks I'd still might take revenge on him for leaving me. I was shocked to say the least, that he'd think such a thing! but there it was.

I think that is because noone understands DBg unless they've done it - friends and family don't and WAS's don't even know we're doing it! If you think most people's reactions to the stich's we've been in is to be very angry and hate their S as it is easier to do this when you are in pain than what we have done. That is why your H thinks you might take revenge sometime because that is more the norm I guess. I have been following TL's thread and it is helping.

I've seen some more baby steps last night and this morning anyway so feel better today. (I think I need a daily dose of baby steps ). H texted me to see how me and S were while he was at work last night and when he got in bed he was nearly in the middle instead of on the edge and he let me massage his temples as he had a headache. This morning when I brought him breakfast I said something to S2 that H found amusing and he stroked my back (I was sat on the bed) When he left for work he gave me a squeeze and a kiss on the head.

We are all going out for the day tomorrow to do some shopping for furniture I have wanted for a while. It was H's suggestion which is good.

[inpain_dup1]

I got flowers and chocolates last night!!! H txtd to ask if it was OK to have a drink after his shift and I said it was fine. When he came home he bought me flowers and chocolates. Last night in bed he actually put his feet on my leg for a while.

The really funny bit is he stopped by for a coffee earlier in the evening with a colleague and the colleague said to him I was really pretty when they left!!!! I think H felt quite proud of this. (hopefully now he realises what he might have lost!) Today he has hugged me and kissed me on the head when I told a joke not just because he's saying bye AND we went out for the day today and he held my hand for about ten minutes on the way home. I can't remember the last time he held my hand even before the bomb!!! We bought things for the house today and for our bedroom and he was talking in "we's" the whole time. He also said he'd have to get some more of his things from his friends. (hey is that nearly one of my goals met??) He has gone out tonight and is stopping at his mate's house until tomorrow. I actually feel completely OK about it. He's also said he wants to get takeaway food and watch a DVD together Sat night!

I think my patience is holding out really well and its working.