HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

remember when you first met your h, how much different did you treat him and act around him then than you do now? some of the differences are good, they point to a maturing relationship, but some of them, at least in my case, are a result of forgetting and getting lazy and complacent. We tend to treat those closest to us the worst in terms of general consideration and being nicey nice, you know what I mean

I do know what you mean and I was very guilty of this before the bomb. Now I am treating him just like I treat him when we met (except I can't kiss him) I'm treating him like he is special and I adore him - maybe too much actually.

I have a hard time understanding the whole lack of affection thing too, but I just have to accept that he isn't there yet, and I have to be patient, because I want it to be real, and I want it to come from him, not be given to pacify me, does that make sense.

Yes it makes perfect sense. I want any affection my H gives me to come from him too. I know exactly what you mean. I don't understand why he has moved back in anymore. I thought it was because he wanted us to be back together but wasn't ready to be intimate. Now I don't know why because some things he says sound like he thinks of us as back together and other things he says sound like he isn't even definitely staying. The other day he said he isn't being intimate because its wrong until he decides he's staying and now today he says he can't say he's staying until he feels he can be intimate with me??

hang in there, it is still okay to cry you know, it is still okay to have bad days and to feel like you can't cope. it is okay to be angry and hurt and scared and all those other emotions we felt in the beginning, they are still running around, for me less and less, but they are still around. we just have to acknowledge them, feel them, and then put on our big girl panties and deal.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on. My support network has vanished into thin air since H moved back in. Its like they all think I must be OK now even though I've told them he's only "seeing how things go" and we're not back together.

life will go on, we can choose to make it happy for ourselves. we still have power and choices, even when it feels like it is all on their terms, we still have choices.

I don't like either of my choices. The first is tell him I don't want this anymore (hate that choice) the second is be patient and see what happens now he's moved back (this one would be great if it had a happy ending but is complete agony while waiting to find out) H keeps telling me to calm down and not stress about it. This makes me think he wants to work things out and be back together.

[inpain_dup1]

Spending New Years Eve alone as H is working until 1am at least. He gave me a "this is me reassuring you" kiss on the forehead when he left and said he'd ring to wish me a happy new year. I feel very low. Christmas sucked and now New Years sucks. I was thinking of just getting drunk as H said he'd have a drink with me when he got in but then I'm thinking it might be best if I don't because I'm not good at DB when I'm drunk. I feel like just going to bed and burying my head under the duvet. Wishing people a happy new year when they ring me feels false. Pleeaase God make next year be happy.

[lostlove]

Hi Inpain,

I'm not saying this to you to get into a battle of who's sit is worse but...

Your h wont be with you tonight because he will be at work..he gave you a reassuring kiss before he left...he said he'd call at midnight AND he said he'd have a new years drink with you when he gets in.

I think that's a whole lot of possitives!! don't bury your head..be happy that a new year is starting and you have a h who is at least attempting to make you feel secure despite obsticals like having to be at work and not with you at midnight.

My h has chosen to be out of state for the entire weekend..gave me no reassuring kiss before leaving to get on a plane has called only a couple of times and just to check in not to let me know about how he spent 5 hours waiting for a connecting flight or where they ate dinner or breakfast or what they planned to do at night or did at night and has thus far made no mention of planning to call at midnight.

Be happy with what you are getting..it may not be all the bells a whistles you were hoping for but you are getting something...the happier you can be with what you get may just encourage your h to blow those whistles for you.

Happy New Year,

LL

[inpain_dup1]

Your h wont be with you tonight because he will be at work..he gave you a reassuring kiss before he left...he said he'd call at midnight AND he said he'd have a new years drink with you when he gets in.

I think that's a whole lot of possitives!! don't bury your head..be happy that a new year is starting and you have a h who is at least attempting to make you feel secure despite obsticals like having to be at work and not with you at midnight.

You are right LL - I should look at all those positives and be pleased with my progress. Happy New Year to you too.

Well I think there have been a load more positives today/last night too. H texted me Happy New Year at 11:45pm saying that he sent it early so it got through in time to miss the phone jam at midnight. Thought this was very sweet and thoughtful - he obviously wanted to make sure I didn't get upset about not hearing from him until 12:30 or something. Unfortunately he finished much later than planned but rang to let me know. I fell asleep on the sofa waiting up for him as I'd said I'd fix him some food when he got home. He said it didn't matter as it was far too late so we just both went to bed. I'd got a little dressed up even though I was sat on my own just to get me in a New Years Eve spirit and he told me I looked really nice!

Today he was sat at the computer and asked me to come look at something. I sat on the floor near him and took hold of his hand for a while and he didn't pull away or say it made him uncomfortable. Yay!!

We have had lots of playful moments today and when H was getting ready for the work we had quite a lot of inuindo and banter flying about while he was in the shower. Surely that must be a good sign. Before that he said I'd made him a little uncomfortable when I stroked his arm but that he hadn't said anything. I said its OK to say something and he said "why would I want to upset you that would be stupid". I thanked him for that and apologised for making him uncomfortable.

Before he went to work he was holding S and came over to me and gave me a really big squeeze and had a really big smile on his face. When he left he kissed my cheek. Now I know I tend to read too much into everything but my cheek!! That's nearer my mouth than my forehead isn't it! I think these must all be good signs that he is maybe feeling a little more comfortable with intimacy issues and maybe warming to me a little in that department. Some of the inuindo's were started by him.

Also he wants us to go to the cinema this week to see the film we tried to see last week - so he is suggesting more things to do together and he even mentioned going to see a film that he thinks comes out in February - kind of long term(ish) thinking from him too!!!!

I think what I need to do now is throw a bucket of cold water over myself and try to dampen my ardour for a bit to not overdo it. He seemed so happy today and it is the first day since boxind day that he's really been home for the day.

Oh on another positive note my Dad replied to my New Years text saying he hoped 2007 would be better for us both (ie me and H) which is good as it maybe means he's not feeling quite so annoyed with H?

[inpain_dup1]

The last couple of days have ticked along and have seemed pretty mundane which worries me a little. I feel like if H isn't looking like he's enjoying himself every minute of the day then things aren't going well. I know this is silly really but I feel like I have to be constantly impressing him.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek today when he left which actually felt like it had a bit of "gusto" behind it and he has now graduated to kissing the tip of my nose. Is this a baby step towards kissing me on the mouth? Its nearer than my forehead or cheek - its weird because I can't ever remember him kissing me on the nose before. I can't believe I am down to analyzing where he kisses me. I so just want him to reassure me by saying he's back for good and wants to be with me. Everything seems to be going so well with just this last hurdle to cross. I don't know why he won't just cross it.

[inpain_dup1]

Well I think me and H made an odd kind of progress today. He cancelled our night out tomorrow and I went a little quiet as I was really looking forward to it. We are now just going to his sisters and I had bought things to go out in. Anyway H sat me down and said he needed to be honest and that me going quiet when things are wrong instead of just telling him annoys him and could I please just be honest and tell him when something is wrong. (Think this is progress from H as he bottled things up before the bomb instead of telling me things I did wrong) I cried and apologised and said I was feeling down today with things and he gave me a big hug and said it was OK and me crying wasn't going to make him bolt or anything. When he got up from his sleep from being on nights I said to him that I didn't want a big conversation but just wanted to clarify that I understood what he had said annoys him. I told him what I thought he meant and he said that was right and as he left the house he said "I haven't moved back in to move back out again I just don't know how long things will take". That kind of sounds to me like he intends staying for good. But then we're not supposed to believe half of what they say are we or is that before they say they want to work on the M?? Oh and when he woke up he called me into "his" room and when I was stood near the bed he reached out and put his hand on my leg. Another good sign I think.

I am cooking a nice meal for when he gets back - fillet steak with his favourite kind of potatoes and spring cabbage which is gorgeous. Not because I'm trying to be romantic or anything I just saw them cooking the cabbage dish on TV the other day and thought it was ages since I'd had it and steak goes great with it! He is going out to our local pub tonight with the friend whose house he stayed in during separation. I am acting totally cool with it to him. I am cool with him going out it just freaks me out a little that it is with that particular friend because I feel like they'll talk about us and he'll change his mind. (which is silly really as his friend told him to try and work it out if he could because he is D with 2 kids so knows what it is like)

[cat03]

oh honey, let him go at his pace, you can't pry open his mind and expect him to do things exactly as you'd like, respect his timing, his healing.

like I have to be constantly impressing him.

I used to think like that too, if he got too bored maybe he'd miss his "old life",and I worried... and prob my H was just relaxing, and just being himself. Don't let your mind play tricks on you honey, it's perfectly alright if days go by without fireworks, did you have to "entertain" him long before he left? no.

So just sit and enjoy your time together, he is warming up to you, and the more anxious you seem the more he'll be reluctant to come to you. Project calm and assurance, wake up w/a positive mental attitude, it will be ok.

[believing_isaiah43]

Project calm and assurance, wake up w/a positive mental attitude, it will be ok.

I needed that too, Cat, thanks. Please don't disappear from the BB completely if you can help it. I'd miss you! I'm losing all my first friends here, they're piecing and gone.

[cat03]

BI, I check on you every day girl you are always in my prayers. I know there hasn't been anything else going on and that it is rather quiet,so no news is good news. I'll stick around hon, if my ravings mean anything to you he he.
Hope you have a good weekend toots))))))) hope your H's nose healed right.

[inpain_dup1]

Thanks Cat. I know I know I'm trying to rush it all and just get to the happy ending part. I'm frustrated with myself because I know I shouldn't be doing it.

I've decided tomorrow is a new start for me DBg. I'm going to be happy and chilled and have a great time at his sisters. Her H is really funny and always used to have us in fits of laughter so it should be a good night. We are also going out for Sunday lunch with his sister and her children and MIL and FIL so actually have a good weekend in store. I have arranged for S to stay over at my parents Saturday night so I can drink and not worry about getting up to him in the night or getting up too early. I have started reading your thread cat from when you first started piecing and it is helping. Thanks!