HELP!!! H now wants to try

[cat03]

to me it isn't normal to be married and get on great and find each other attractive but not kiss or cuddle or ML

Is your sitch normal right now? nope, so dont' expect to be back where you left off before he walked away. I just posted to another on this board about how the WAH doesn't feel safe yet, he can't open up yet thus the affection feelings aren't quite there yet.

its inside his head that's stopping him kissing me (or anything else)

He needs to sort HIMself first, there is a lot turmoil on the WAS when they leave, until they find themselves out they are not in shape to give much. I know this is not what you were expecting, but that's how piecing begins, it's slow, it's painful, but just like a wound, it needs time to heal.
Picture yourself hanging on his neck and sobbing "love me now!", does that seem very attractive?
Focus on yourself, make yourself happy, we can't put all the responsibility on our Ss to make us happy, it is a mistake to expect the other S to fulfill us. What did your H like from you? find that confident pretty self he fell in love with. It will still hurt not to ML, I know I hurt when my H didnt' want to ML, but I tried to remember that he was w/me, I'd read a few good books about men and R to fill my mind w/positive ideas.

He can't even "force" himself to hug me or take the first steps towards anything like this and it seems to be the only area missing for him. I suppose I stupidly thought the pain would go away if he moved back in. I feel so anxious that he's here for Christmas and a car and then he'll be off because what is he really doing to try to make it all OK again?

I wouldn't want a forced hug, I know how they feel like, mechanic and dry, you don't want those either, let him walk to you, don't yank his arm your way.
I also thought for many months my H was back that all he wanted is to get rid of his debt (the one he incurred while in MLC and A) and that after all was paid off he'd take off. Fear will cripple you, fight it, when negative thoughts assault you, fight them w/good thoughts, that which you feed most will be the strongest.
The more negative thoughts you dwell on, the more gloom the sitch will seemed to you, the more sad and upset you'll be around him, the more unsafe your H will feel.

[inpain_dup1]

Thank you Cat for taking the time to break my points down and answer them it is very good of you.

Is your sitch normal right now? nope, so dont' expect to be back where you left off before he walked away. I just posted to another on this board about how the WAH doesn't feel safe yet, he can't open up yet thus the affection feelings aren't quite there yet.

I can see I shouldn't be expecting things to be back to normal and that H doesn't feel safe. I suppose I'm looking at it all from my own point of view not his. I feel completely unsafe - extremely insecure. For me to feel safe and secure about all this I would need him to sleep in my bed (just sleep nothing else) and want to kiss me. I guess I just don't understand what it is he needs to feel safe. Well actually I don't understand why he doesn't feel safe. He knows I've wanted him back all this time, he knows I love him and he knows he's got me hanging on a thread and will let him do whatever he wants or he'll leave. That seems to me to be a very strong safe position to be in like he's got everything he wants. Is it that he doesn't feel safe that I might change back to how I was and we might start arguing all the time again??? Does he need time to see that how it is now is how it will stay??

Is your sitch normal right now? nope, so dont' expect to be back where you left off before he walked away. I just posted to another on this board about how the WAH doesn't feel safe yet, he can't open up yet thus the affection feelings aren't quite there yet.

you made me laugh! No it isn't attractive at all. I think I am being the pretty self he fell in love with just maybe not quite as confident. Trouble is I get my confidence with H from knowing he wants me and finds me attractive - now I look in the mirror and feel confident that I look great but then get no confirmation of it from anyone so then doubt that I do. We are having lots of banter together which is exactly how we were in the beginning so I suppose it is a start.

I wouldn't want a forced hug, I know how they feel like, mechanic and dry, you don't want those either, let him walk to you, don't yank his arm your way.

He does seem to be hugging me willingly at the moment now. He apologised to me last night for being out of order (obviously it was boxing day and he "popped" to see his friend across the road which I didn't have a problem with and we were supposed to be having dinner and watching a film when he got back - he didn't come back until bed time) He gave me lots of hugs of his own accord and said sorry and we had a great chat about why it wasn't fair (initiated by him) The old me would have gone crazy shouting about it but he said he hadn't been fair had he and simply said that IMH a fair way of spending the evening would have been me being fair by being OK about him going to see his friend and him being fair by sticking to his word and coming home when he said. He agreed and is taking me to the cinema Thurs or Fri to make up for it. I think this sitch could have been a major stumbling block if I'd acted how I used to and I think he was impressed how I handled it

I really need to try and find some calm thoughts from somewhere I feel like I'm getting hysterical inside and its going to spill out and boil over soon. It doesn't help that all the activities I have been doing to GAL have stopped for two weeks round Christmas.

[cat03]

He knows I've wanted him back all this time

Funny you said this. H and i were talking and I was asking him why (when he was away) he needed so bad to go out w/his friends to find comfort when all along he knew I wanted him back. Do you know what he said? "I didnt' believe you really wanted me back, I thought you were mad that I left you"



I ALWAYS acted friendly around him, was his listening ear when he needed one, yet, he had those thoughts. Why? because the MLC and depression warped his mind and didn't let him see things clearly.

So that's why your H doesnt' feel safe yet, in your eyes you can't come up w/one reason why he can't just be nice and conect w/you. But your H has other issues you dont' know of, and he isnt' about to tell you point by point what eats him. He will open up on his own time, he knows he's hurt you and that you are hurt.

I might change back to how I was and we might start arguing all the time again??? Does he need time to see that how it is now is how it will stay?

Maybe, I do now for sure the reasons above where why my H didn't come home sooner, he just didnt' think we could streighten things up. Remember, for now at least, all he has is the past and how ugly it was.

He agreed and is taking me to the cinema Thurs or Fri to make up for it.

Those are baby steps from HIM towards you

Here, a couple of calming thoughts when the hysterical part of your brain wants to take over, straight from my fav posts:

You are breeding negativity.
STOP IT.
Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him.
A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself.
He needs someone to give him a chance.

If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
What if.....?

[inpain_dup1]

Wow Cat thanks for that post it is very thoughtful and thought provoking!

We had another chat actually because H came home with a chain on after his first day back at work. He had mentioned a raffle at work where the prize was a chain but it just seemed like too much of a coincidence that he won it so of course my mind jumped all over and I went a little quiet. H asked when these suspicious thoughts were going to stop. I decided to be really brave (or maybe stupid) and tell him that I thought I was having them because he doesn't want to kiss me etc. He sat me down and was really gentle and sweet and explained that until he is sure he is staying he doesn't want to do anything like that because he thinks it would complicate things if things didn't work out. I said I felt we needed to do those things to know it was going to work and he said he doesn't. He said he knows that side of things will be fine once he has decided we are back together. He said he understands I'm in an uncomfortable position because I'm just waiting for him to decide to stay whereas he is "seeing how things are going". He reassured me that just because he's not all over me it doesn't mean things aren't going well. He thinks things are going great but that two and a bit weeks is not enough time to say "yes I'm back for good". He wants me to stop stressing and said that if something I do makes him unhappy he will tell me and won't bottle it up like before the bomb.

It was a great conversation.

The cinema was totally his suggestion so it was a baby step from him wasn't it!!

He even grabbed me to sit me on his knee while he was looking at the computer the other night and he has hugged me before bed every night the past few nights. He is ringing me from work to ask favours and to tell me when he'll be home. Things seem to be going well I think. We made a mess of the cinema - we got the film time wrong and ended up renting a DVD to watch at home instead. I said it was a shame we missed the film and he said we can go watch it another night. So that's future plans he's talking too!

Thanks for the calming thoughts they're great. I have a couple of my own that H has said the last few weeks.

When I've been nervous that maybe he's lied about the W at work he texts:

Where is he?? Here with me in our house

Why would he come back and try if there was someone else??

Hope you had a great Christmas!

[cat03]

thanks! you two.

Yes, two weeks is just way too soon to expect true affection, your H seems very very afraid and hurt, afraid of messing up again. He does need to understand -on his own- that he can't just "see what happens", that he needs to be positive about working on the M.
So, keep GAL, work on yourself, make yourself happy, do things you like, your peace of mind will be contagious and will bring positive results, he'll slowly come out of his shell.
Have a great New Year's and here is to a great year with our H's back!

[inpain_dup1]

Yes, two weeks is just way too soon to expect true affection, your H seems very very afraid and hurt, afraid of messing up again. He does need to understand -on his own- that he can't just "see what happens", that he needs to be positive about working on the M.

I agree. I think he is positively working on the M. He has said he is looking at it positively otherwise there is no point doing it (ie moving back in) and he is hugging me and being thoughtful about doing things I have said upset me like ringing me when he's going to be late and today he even rang me because he forgot to reply to a text! (I've said I feel anxious when he doesn't reply to them in case it means he's leaving again) I think what he means by "see how it goes" is his way of saying he's trying. I wish I could just have a specific number from how long he thinks is enough time! He has said he feels a lot more comfortable than when he first started staying here but sometimes still feels wierd because of what has happened.

Have a great New Year's and here is to a great year with our H's back!

Hear hear!!! I must admit I feel a pang of disappointment that I won't be able to welcome in the new year with a kiss from H. It would be so lovely for him to just say lets start the new year afresh - I'm back for definite and give me a big kiss! Oh well maybe next new year's eve.

[inpain_dup1]

I've just been reading back through my thread and realised I hadn't told you all what happened with the CD. It was for me I'm so glad I came on here and asked you all what I should do I would have looked really silly if I'd said something!

[123snap]

pain

I feel your pain, I really do, we are in a very similar place, and I know it is hard hard hard. Patience is so hard at this point, but I really think it is the best thing we can do, that and work on ourselves. For myself when he decided to try, I think I went back to worrying and working on us, instead of worrying and working on me, and I am having a hard time refocusing. I am scared every day, I know he is too, but that doesn't help.

Isn't Cat great, such good advice, helps me all the time.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi 123snap

I think you've put it perfectly. I too have gone back to worrying and working on us instead of myself. I'm scared every day I am even having thoughts of telling him I don't want to try because I don't think I can be patient enough to wait out this pain. I came close to saying it to him today and I ended up saying a bunch of other things I shouldn't have and now he's gone to work and I'm terrified I've ruined it all just because I can't be patient. I feel like such an idiot. I love him so much and I hate that he doesn't love me. I really feel like I deserve something after all this time and its just not happening and I'm tired of it all. Tired of playing nice and happy and being friends when I want to be lovers.

On your second point yeah Cat is great she is helping a lot right now.

[123snap]

here is the thing, someone once said is what you are doing bringing you closer or further from you goal. what is your goal? for me it is happiness for my family and I believe that it entails us being together, however, my happiness needs to come from me, not the outside, and that is my work to do, no matter what.

you have to deal with your life with or without your h, so you can either work on yourself and deal with the without part, or you can focus on yourself, be patient and see what happens. either way you have to work on you first, I know this myself and I know it is hard, like I said i have noticed myself slipping, but it is an improvement for me to notice my outward focus and recognize what I am doing rather then focus it on someone else causing it and waiting or looking for them to solve it. baby steps with ourselves as well. we can't solve all our own problems overnight, nor are we perfect enough to never backslide.

marriage will always be more work than being single, you have a whole different person to work into your life, it is easy to please yourself, you pick out everything you like for example, it is harder to gel 2 seperate bodies and minds into a cohesive working arrangement, and then comes the emotions. The trouble I got into is thinking and feeling like those 2 minds needed to be of one mind most of the time. it is better if it is 2, it really is.

remember when you first met your h, how much different did you treat him and act around him then than you do now? some of the differences are good, they point to a maturing relationship, but some of them, at least in my case, are a result of forgetting and getting lazy and complacent. We tend to treat those closest to us the worst in terms of general consideration and being nicey nice, you know what I mean.

and yes you do deserve happiness and love and you are worth it, now you have to decide if he is worth it, if your marriage is worth it and then you have to decide to be patient. One thing that was really an eye opener was when someone said, here we are "trying" working on ourselves and "doing" all this stuff to save our marriage, we forget that for them just coming back is trying, they are dealing with their own set of emotions and issues and they don't look like ourselves or present in a way we can see or understand at times, but they are there, the other person has to deal with their stuff, you have to deal with yours, there is nothing you can do or say to rush or hurry the process, or effect the changes except deal with each day. as my friend says, choose to be happy each day, and do what is right in front of you, the rest will come.

I have a hard time understanding the whole lack of affection thing too, but I just have to accept that he isn't there yet, and I have to be patient, because I want it to be real, and I want it to come from him, not be given to pacify me, does that make sense.

hang in there, it is still okay to cry you know, it is still okay to have bad days and to feel like you can't cope. it is okay to be angry and hurt and scared and all those other emotions we felt in the beginning, they are still running around, for me less and less, but they are still around. we just have to acknowledge them, feel them, and then put on our big girl panties and deal.

life will go on, we can choose to make it happy for ourselves. we still have power and choices, even when it feels like it is all on their terms, we still have choices.

I choose to try and make it work, you have to make a choice for you