HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

Thanks again Julie

I have now started writing down any baby steps before I go to bed to help me stop focusing on any negatives.

H hugged me goodbye this afternoon!!!!!! It was soooo lovely. I looked up at him and thought how much I wanted to kiss him which he must have noticed because he looked a little awkward. I just said "do you feel a bit awkward" and he said "a little bit - it's just going to take a bit of time" I asked if he felt any better and he said "yes I feel a bit less awkward" then said "I feel quite happy"!!!!! I think this is major that he has said he feels quite happy. I feel a bit more relaxed after that as it has made me feel that H wants to get to where I am too and eventually be how we should be.

[runningoutoftime]

Hi,

I was sort of where you are except husband did file for D and had a 6 month affair (totally denied of course) that took some time to die out. He came back to the marriage slowly as it was dying out and only fully came back when it was over.

What I did was just work on being a great friend, extraordinary listener and very supportive. I also emotionally detached and "lived my own life." Although, my H was out of the house and that does make detaching a little easier. I could also be generous with my friendship because I felt I had nothing to lose and I wanted my H to someday regret his decision.

My vote in this whole thing is to work on yourself, give him lots of "leash" and just be a friend. Have no expectations. In fact, until my husband was fully committed I treated the relationship as if he wasn't going to stay. I honestly didn't want to go through the pain again so I kept distant. But I made sure I looked great, always wore a smile, was friendly to him, and just focused mostly on myself and my kids. I'd do nice things for H, but I did them without any expectations.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi runningoutoftime

Thanks for sharing your tips with me I need all the help and advice I can get! It is harder now he's living under the same roof again. I'm finding it more difficult to detach. The new me is holding up well though - I learnt a lot about myself the last four months looking at some of the things I did to cause the bomb and the changes I decided to make about how I react to things are making life so much more pleasant now he's back

H asked me out tonight for his birthday because he's working on his actual birthday but then he got a call from work for overtime so we can't go now - but at least he asked me.

[cat03]

I've had quite a few tearfuc convos w/my H in the past about this, that he was never affectionate w/me, no hugs, no kisses, no ILY, it tore me appart.
Each time he'd always ask me to be patient, to understand that he was still not himself and that to please don't rush him, that we had time.

The more desperate you seem the more he will recoil, so take a step back ok? let him begin to feel confortable around him. Would he let you hold his hand now? have you tried for a brief time to do so? that how it starts.
You are not thinking about the CD right? you are worrying to much, I'd worry if I see a nightie or something, a cD could be for a friend, anyone, don't give the ow so much power over you.

I'm busting a gut doing all the chores and everything the way he likes it and not complaining that he has basically done nothing in his free time but sit at the computer looking for a car. I feel like I am getting nothing in return at all

I could've written that a few months ago. He is doing nothing because you are not asking him to and he thinks you are getting along just fine. It's an old vicious circle between men and women, for a thourough explanation please read the mars-venus book. Men wont' (most of them) help unless you aske them too, if you load yourself w/all the chores and dont' say peep your H thinks that's what you want to do.

Nope, dont' expect him to help because he "should "see you need help. Ask nicely and he'll help you. Little by little my H has come around, he used to groan a little when I asked him to vacuum, wash dishes or put one of the kids to bed. Now, WOW!!! he vacuums without a peep when I ask him NICELY, he wants to read a bedtime story to the kids, and does a few things without me asking.
Now remember, he's been home since April, and it took this long for him to be like this. Why the change? becuase I've also altered my attitude, asked when I needed help, alway thanked him and make him feel appreciate it.

Don't let resentment build up, ask for help, ei "honey, could you do such and such?" I bet he does it.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Cat

I've had quite a few tearfuc convos w/my H in the past about this, that he was never affectionate w/me, no hugs, no kisses, no ILY, it tore me appart.
Each time he'd always ask me to be patient, to understand that he was still not himself and that to please don't rush him, that we had time.

I haven't said anything to H about how I'm feeling as I daren't rock the boat. H talks about the future financially as though we are back together for good but sleeps in the spare room and hasn't moved his things back in. I know its very early days but with him doing nothing but talking about (and looking for) a major financialy commitment like a new car I feel like I'm being pushed along with things he wants but I can't push him along with the things I want.

I don't think he will let me hold his hand. Before he agreed to go on our "date" a week and a half ago he said one of the reasons he wasn't sure was that I'd want him to hold my hand and he wouldn't want to. As for the CD I think it is maybe for me (or H is a bigger liar than I ever thought possible). He knew I'd seen the bag so I brought it up that I'd seen it and was worried he'd got me what I wanted to get him and he joked about it for ten minutes or more playfully about what it was. Surely he wouldn't be brazen enough to do so if it was for the W he was texting.

I could've written that a few months ago. He is doing nothing because you are not asking him to and he thinks you are getting along just fine. It's an old vicious circle between men and women, for a thourough explanation please read the mars-venus book. Men wont' (most of them) help unless you aske them too, if you load yourself w/all the chores and dont' say

I know what you mean here, its just that my H used to do an awful lot of chores without being asked pre bomb - too many if I'm honest. Its probably just that it is one of the areas I'm really trying hard on and I just really feel that he's not trying hard at all. He can't even "force" himself to hug me or take the first steps towards anything like this and it seems to be the only area missing for him. I suppose I stupidly thought the pain would go away if he moved back in. I feel so anxious that he's here for Christmas and a car and then he'll be off because what is he really doing to try to make it all OK again?? He's sleeping in the spare room - that's the only thing that's changed from being separated. Sorry everyone - I must sound really ungrateful - I'm not - honestly. Is it OK to talk about R a little now or should I still be doing LRT?

[inpain_dup1]

Well I bit the bullet today and asked H how he thought things were going.

I pre-empted first by asking him if it would stress him out to ask him a question. He said no so I just asked him what he was thinking about things. He said things are going really well. Asked him what he thought he needed from me (if anything) to help things to be "how they should" (ie sleep in same room etc) He said he thought it would just take time and yes that was what he was intending to happen in the end that we would be back together properly. I said thanks and that I just needed to know what he was thinking and that I hoped I hadn't stressed him out at all. He said I definitely hadn't. He also said it would probably be better when he'd found a car because he said at the minute he's not paying me much attention as he's always on computer looking for car and he felt it was a bit one sided at the minute (ie: me doing everything) I thought this was very good that he thinks that. I said it was fine and that is how it should be if one partner has got something on that is important to them. (he seemed to like that) We went out for tea for his birthday as he is working it and he has now gone out with his colleagues for the evening for his birthday. I cheerily told him to have a good time and when he kissed S goodbye he stroked my cheek and said see you later. I wonder if our little chat has made him think he will be a bit more loving towards me? It has seemed like it today as he has touched my arm a couple of times when talking to me as well. I think things are on the right track and feel a bit more relaxed after the chat. I now feel he is wanting it to go where I do which is reassuring. I feel I can give him time and space to move at his pace now that I know what is going on in his head so I'm so pleased I decided to brave it and just ask outright!! I don't even feel anxious that he is out tonight! I'm sure the CD isn't for the W at work and also sure there is nothing going on. Yippee I think I'm getting there!!!

[inpain_dup1]

I'm dying to kiss me H. Since Monday he has been more affectionate towards me. He has hugged me a few times and the last two days has kissed me on the forehead before leaving for work. He also gave me a really big hug and kissed me on the forehead after opening his birthday presents. Last night I sat on his bed after he got in it and he squeezed my hand and I rubbed his arm and gave it a quick kiss and today he has stroked my cheek and looked really lovingly at me. Anyway all this has made me want to kiss him even more than I already did. Is it a really big no no to just simply say "could I kiss you?" I remember this is what H said to me when we were first dating before our first kiss and it just melted me to pieces that he asked.

Am I trying to push things to quickly?? S gave him a kiss on the lips tonight when he said goodbye and H must have caught my momentary "pang of regret" face that I couldn't do that too as he texted me asking why I looked a little sad when he left. I replied that just wished I could kiss him like S does. Then I regretted it and when he called later I asked if I had stressed him out telling him that and he said I hadn't. Everything seems to be going fantastically and H is definitely thinking of my feelings more and he sneaked out this morning and got things to make me breakfast. I can't seem to relax about it all because the intimacy is missing. I feel like this would be the final thing to bond us back together for good. I now I should be being patient but my heart is beating rapidly all the time I'm near him and I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

[inpain_dup1]

I feel like such an idiot. I've wanted H to just try for four long months and now he is I seem to be messing it all up. I broke down in tears right in front of him today because he doesn't want to kiss me. He said he needs time. I said I was sorry and that I know he does but that I just don't understand why and that it is really hard doing all this knowing he doesn't fancy me. He gave me a really big hug and said that it isn't that he doesn't fancy me physically but that its inside his head he needs to sort out. I don't understand at all - I'm really trying to but in my head if you find someone attractive you want to kiss them. I told him I was scared that we are getting on so well (he agreed we are) and that his head won't get sorted out and then we'd still be over. He said there are no guarantees and he thought I said I didn't care how long it took. I said I don't its just that I want us to be back together and I don't know what he wants. He said he wants us to be back together too otherwise he would have moved back out by now. He said he doesn't class us as back together he classes us as trying to work things out. Can any of you help me understand what he means by saying he fancies me but its inside his head that's stopping him kissing me (or anything else) I just know I'm going to ruin everything if I can't get a grip on this but I'm just so attracted to him and the fact we are getting on so well makes me want to kiss him more and more. When I'm in the same room I feel like screaming because I can't go near him. I don't know how long this separate rooms thing and no kissing is going to last and I'm not sure I can take it for very long. He's only been back two weeks and I already can't stand it. This is so much harder than being separated and now I've had him back I'm terrified of him leaving if he can't sort this stumbling block in his head out. If he wants us to be together and finds me attractive I just really really don't get it why he doesn't just do it. He said he's enjoying being home and enjoying us getting on and considering each other and for me to just calm down and relax and act normal. But to me it isn't normal to be married and get on great and find each other attractive but not kiss or cuddle or ML so this is a contradiction in terms. I know its Christmas and everyone's busy but if anyone has been through this particular problem from either view point I'd really appreciate some help before I push him back out the door. Thanks

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[inpain_dup1]

Can anyone offer any advice/help? I've been in tears all night and I don't want to mess up with H again when he gets home from work.

[believing_isaiah43]

two WEEKS?

girl, you better get a handle on your emotions or you will be in my place (piecing failed, potential separation after the holidays).

Do NOT burden him with your emotions now. lots of TIME must pass, and yes, you have to shoulder a lot of the burden and you must stuff a lot of how you feel and hide it away.

It sucks, no kidding, but if you don't reign this in, it is pressure pressure pressure on your H, he will feel your dissapointment and he will run back into his turtle shell b/c he doens't feel safe with you. TRUST ME.

GAL and Act As If. Suck it up and be brave - cry here, NOT there. Let me be your horrible warning.

Have a merry Christmas and count your BLESSINGS, not what you DON'T have (yet).