HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

Thanks toughlover!

I agree about the car being a big complication I could do without but H just won't let it drop. I've tried saying I would prefer to wait until we were more positive about where we were heading but he says if it didn't work out he'd take on a loan and it would cost me nothing. Another added problem with this is that this has been one of my 180's to try not to talk him out of everything he wants to buy as I was always far too much on the "we must save" side of things. I said today that if we were OK now I wouldn't have a problem with him touching savings and he said wow that's different from before and I said lots of things are. I just don't want this car subject to ruin the good things that seem to be happening at the minute.

[poised]

IP, I'm so happy for you. Yes, these definitely sound like steps in the right direction. Be as patient as possible and try to change your thoughts away from insecurity. Knowing he's trying is a powerful motivator to stay positive.

[inpain_dup1]

Forgot to say also yesterday H said he didn't know how long it would take. I think this was another baby step as he didn't say he didn't think it would work just that he didn't know how long it would take to work.

Be as patient as possible and try to change your thoughts away from insecurity. Knowing he's trying is a powerful motivator to stay positive.

Thanks poised. I know that is probably the key to success. I am really struggling today. I have snooped and am now creating a million and one ideas in my head. Firstly let me say I didn't snoop because I thought there was anything to snoop for. I snooped because yesterday H separated in town to buy me some Christmas presents. Then we bumped into each other and I saw he had a bag from a record store and he said see I can't hide what I get you because you see the bags anyway. This made me think he had got me the same thing I was thinking of getting him so while he was asleep today I peeked in the bag. I thought it might be a DVD we both love that I am going to get him but it was a CD of a band I don't like. This has now made me think that H has lied for the last four months about the W from work he has been texting and that he has been and still is seeing her and that this CD is for her for Christmas. I feel sick at the thought, I feel sick that I peeked (even though it was honestly with good intentions and who doesn't peek at Christmast presents!?) and I feel sick that there is no way of finding out if my thoughts are stupid or correct. My sane head says that I'm being irrational and he's probably got it for me because he thinks a song I like is by them and to wait until Christmas to see but I have a big nagging voice in my head saying that on Christmas day I'm not going to receive this gift and everything is going to come crashing down around my ears when I say I've peeked at it and if I haven't got it who has.

I just want to cry. After only six days I don't feel like I can do this. This is worse than when he didn't live here and was adamant it was over. I feel insecure beyond belief. We were chatting about his night out last night (this W was there) and my face slipped for a milli-second when he said her name and he said that if I thought that something was going on with her there was no point doing any of this. I apologised and he said it was OK I didn't have to. I'm so scared I am being a fool to believe him that nothing has ever happened.

Is this normal?? I feel like I'm going backwards here.

[inpain_dup1]

Ugh. Its midnight here and I can't sleep. H is working and I can't get this CD out of my head.

The other day I said I liked a song on the radio. If he's bought it for me thinking that this band do that song then that is really sweet. (it isn't the right band BTW)

If however, he has gone into town with me and S and gone off on his own on the pretence of buying me Christmas presents and gone and bought her a Christmas present that is stooping lower than low. This would also mean IMHO that he is involved with her which he has denied over and over.

Should I just tell him that I peeked and why I peeked and see what his reaction is?

[inpain_dup1]

The CD thing is still eating me up but I've decided not to say I've peeked and see what happens Christmas Day. H txtd me "night night" last night which cheered me up and this morning he didn't go to bed after his night shift and was going to bring me breakfast in bed until he found out we had no bread left. I've made some today so hopefully he might do that tomorrow! I'm really struggling as H doesn't seem to smile much at me even. I'm worrying about every little thing I do or say in case its wrong. I wish he'd hug me or something to stop me feeling like he's just back for S or Christmas or a new car. If he's back for me why doesn't he hold me at least?? I'm scared he's going to stay in the spare room a few weeks and then turn round and say it isn't working because he can't get his feelings back. I think if he "acted as if" he wanted to hold me or kiss me and just did so he would find his "spark" for me which he has said is missing. Wish I could put this to him. Just want him to lie next to me and hold me.

[poised]

Try to stay positive. Forget about the CD. In the long run, does it really matter? It's going to take time for things to change. I know how you feel about wanting him to hold you. Believe me I know. Just remember, you have one thing. That he's willing to try. I'm pulling for you.

[inpain_dup1]

Thanks poised I need as many people pulling for me as I can get!!

This is sooooo tough. I thought the last four months was hard being separated but this is a million times harder. Its like I'm so close but still so far away and I don't even know if he'll ever feel the way he should about me ever again. I'm finding it hard to be in the same room as him because I just want to hug him. He told S he loved him and gave him a kiss this afternoon and it nearly ripped me in two because I want him to kiss me and say those words. I'm not sure I can handle months of no contact whatsoever. I suffer with terrible neck and shoulder pain on and off regularly and its really bad today and he actually gave my shoulders a quick massage which I suppose is another step in the right direction that he actually touched me. When he leaves for work it seems really awkward because he starts to look embarrassed as though he knows he should be kissing me goodbye but doesn't want to so he feels awkward or something. I'm busting a gut doing all the chores and everything the way he likes it and not complaining that he has basically done nothing in his free time but sit at the computer looking for a car. I feel like I am getting nothing in return at all. I know he probably thinks he's trying really hard just by being here but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything to me. I'm so worried about how we are going to get from here to how it should be. I already want to do all the things a W should. How long will it take for him to want to do all those things too.

[inspiredjulie]

If he's back for me why doesn't he hold me at least?? I'm scared he's going to stay in the spare room a few weeks and then turn round and say it isn't working because he can't get his feelings back. I think if he "acted as if" he wanted to hold me or kiss me and just did so he would find his "spark" for me which he has said is missing. Wish I could put this to him. Just want him to lie next to me and hold me.

Inpain-
What a tough sitch to be in. I understand that need for affirmation. I just wanted to remind you that a lot of these things you mentioned are women's needs whereas men need physical contact and sex more. Have you tried flirting and touching your H? What about being up front w/ him and telling him you want to resume a physical relationship w/ H? You may need to step out there and try to see if you can shake this up a little. It may be too soon and he can let you know. But he may be waiting for you to make the 1st move. Best of luck to you. Julie

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Julie

I haven't tried flirting or touching H since he "moved" back in. Whenever I've tried even the remotest of touching or being close during the separation he has said it makes him feel really uncomfortable as though I'm asking him to do things with a stranger off the street! He hasn't minded me seeing him naked the last few days whereas the first few days he was back he was covering himself up if I happened to walk in on him.

I just wanted to remind you that a lot of these things you mentioned are women's needs whereas men need physical contact and sex more

Sex would be even better!!!! I just thought holding me would be a way of easing him back into feeling intimate with me. At the minute it seems to be me wanting all these things and he doesn't. Maybe I should ask him to try to make him self look a little less attractive instead Its funny you should say about just telling him I want to resume this side of things like yesterday. I have been thinking of doing this but am scared to in case it makes him bolt.

[inspiredjulie]

InPain-

I really am sorry for your pain right now. What a toughie. You are being so strong. Don't forget that this isn't about YOU. This is about your H and his being messed up right now. So don't forget that. You matter and there is nothing wrong w/ YOU.

Start flirting. Look for baby steps. H not minding you seeing him nervous is a good step. How about going on a date? Are you and H getting some time together? Taking a walk or whatever?

Also, try to touch him as you walk by. Maybe touch his arm. Be sure to be complimentary of how he looks/is dressed. Ireally don't know what to tell you. Just have patience, you will get there. Keep doing the GAL and PMA so that you remember there is nothing wrong w/ you.

Julie