HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

My H left me and S2 on 12th August. We have been on lots of family days out and even a five day holiday together since then but he still said he wanted a D.

Last week however he was in a lot of pain with his neck and stayed in our spare room to sleep on a good matress as he is sleeping at his friends on a children's bed. Anyway he was supposed to be staying until his physio appointment on the Wed but then still stayed and it was really great. We had had a talk about finances and maintenance on the Monday and I'd asked him on a date to see if we could salvage the M. He said he'd think about it and we went for a meal on Saturday night. It was fantastic we didn't stop talking and laughing and joking all night and he stayed in the spare room again. On Sunday he said he'd been having second thoughts because staying here last week felt normal and it was nice and Christmas had also made him think and he'd also had a really good time on our date. So he basically said he wanted to continue taking things slowly by him staying in the spare room. He isn't moving his things back in until things are more definite he says. All he has done since then is go on about buying a new car. I felt I had to point out that I felt like this was why he wanted to try but he says he would not stay with me just so he could buy a car. I have managed to talk him into buying with a loan rather than our savings if he gets one so that if he does decide to D me I have the savings to fall back on still.

I don't know what to do now. The initial excitement that he wants to try seems to have turned into doubts galore. Is he just staying in spare room because he doesn't want to miss Christmas with S and because he wants a new car?? He is still defensive about his comings and goings even though I genuinly am just making conversation - not prying. He said he wanted a D because he didn't feel a spark for me. How long will he be in the spare room?? If he doesn't "act as if" he would like to hold my hand or cuddle or anything and actually do those things how will it ever come back?? I'm so confused because I've wanted him to just try for four months and now I have my wish and it seems like I'm the only one trying and although he was the one to say he's had doubts and wants to try I don't feel like him being in the spare room is trying. If anyone else experienced this at the start of their piecing I'd love some insight into what to do/how it works. thanks.

[toughlover]

If anyone else experienced this at the start of their piecing I'd love some insight into what to do/how it works.

Oh, man, have I been there!

At some point when my DB'ing started paying off and my W started to get closer it really triggered every single thing you're experiencing now. It's just the way it is. We start getting a littlf of what we want and the second guessing gets really cranked up again and will ruin you if you let it.

This is a tough step because you have to remain detached but still engaged and be open for more without really expecting it.

And something I think we forget is that it takes a while for US to be ready for it, too. We think we want it, and we do, but then when we get it, we realize that it's a lot tougher to trust again (which is the issue) than we thought.

We thought the trust thing was just about them being honest and committed. We forgot that the deeper aspect of trust is in, once again, being a little vulnerable ourselves.

It kinda sucks.

But if everyone's being honest and doing what's right, actions backing up what they say, then just like when two people start dating, you two will just continue getting closer and closer. We sort of get in this way of thinking that since we've been married so long, we can just step right back into things and pick up where we left off. But it doesn't really work like that.

and now I have my wish and it seems like I'm the only one trying

Because you're expecting that his "trying" will look like your expectations or like you want it to, or will happen in the order or manner in which you've imagined it. I know exactly what you mean cause I went through the same thing. And this is tough, and I hope you begin to understand this quicker than I did, but it doesn't happen like that.

He probably sees himself as trying VERY hard because he's staying in the spare room and spending time with you. I know we don't like to see it like that, I know I didn't, but that's how it really IS.

And you know what? When we do things that come across to them like prying or whatnot, they're thinking in their minds, "Why isn't SHE trying as hard as I am?"

Let that sink in because that's how my W saw it. To her, when I was pleasant and light and fun I was trying, but when I was talking about the relationship, I WASN'T trying!

It took me a long time to realize that, but once I did, it REALLY helped!

You sort of have to grow back together again, and as we know from gardening, growth just takes longer than we'd like especially in this day and age of instant everything.

Hang tough! It will get easier over time. It's not a smooth process by any means, and there's no timeline.

[Mamabear]

Excellent post TL.

You sort of have to grow back together again, and as we know from gardening, growth just takes longer than we'd like especially in this day and age of instant everything.

I am definitely an instant gratification kind of gal, so this is where I have my hardest times. I will keep trying to remember this analogy.

(Sorry for the hijack )

[cat03]

because your trust has been broken for the longest time you'll be waiting for the "other shoe to drop" I know I was for about the first months my H was back. Eventually I realized my H wanted to be w/me not becuase he didnt' have a place nor was deep in debt but because I wanted him back and we did have good times behind us.

It took my H months to also start being affectionate and get closer to me. When he came back he told me "I don't hate you but I dont..." It hurt , but I knew in my heart when he was away I wanted him no matter what, so I had to be patient.

He hasn't said ILY yet but he is more affectionate, he does initiate ML and likes it when I cuddle. I had to put my pride aside and be the one who reached out to him even though he was the one who hurt me. I started by just holding his hand, we slept on the same room but we didnt' ML for a while, even if he did only if I initiated.

It will take baby steps, just remember there will also be steps back but it's ok, it's part of learning to be together again.

Hang in there! congrats on havign him back, piecieng is hard work but each month you guys will be closer.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi toughlover, thank you so much for your reply.

Because you're expecting that his "trying" will look like your expectations or like you want it to, or will happen in the order or manner in which you've imagined it. I know exactly what you mean cause I went through the same thing. And this is tough, and I hope you begin to understand this quicker than I did, but it doesn't happen like that.

I hadn't thought of it like that, that he probably thinks just staying here is really trying hard. That makes sense. I suppose I have to try and see things from his point of view. I think my main concern is I cannot see how we get from here to him wanting to sleep in same bed or ML. He did come in "our" room and sit on the bed and lean over me to look at a magazine I was reading so I suppose that is a start. Its a shock to the system that just because he wants to try it doesn't mean his feelings are back. Its all so confusing. I feel I want to ask him how he thinks this part of things will come back but I guess thats a huge no go area right?

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Cat03, thanks for your reply and the congrats!

He hasn't said ILY yet but he is more affectionate, he does initiate ML and likes it when I cuddle. I had to put my pride aside and be the one who reached out to him even though he was the one who hurt me. I started by just holding his hand, we slept on the same room but we didnt' ML for a while, even if he did only if I initiated.

I was wondering about reaching out to him but really not sure. H has stated all the way through this nightmare that we will not be ML unless he decides he's staying and his feelings come back. I just don't see how they'll come back if we don't at least kiss or cuddle or something. After all you kiss people if you ar dating them at the beginning and its one of the things that separates the R from all your others. I had a little cry in front of him on Monday and then was worried I'd ruined everything but he did say "I'm not going to run out the door or anything just because you've cried" in a very caring way wo maybe this is the start of him feeling a spark???

How long have you and your H been trying for now??

[toughlover]

I feel I want to ask him how he thinks this part of things will come back but I guess thats a huge no go area right?

He probably doesn't know and that scares him as much as it scares you.

Again, I know because I asked my W that and she just got this blank look on her face, hopeless eyes, and said, "I have no idea."

In my experience, it comes back a little at a time, and not until things start feeling light and comfortable again, and even then, it's a decision at first. I don't know if it works like this for everyone but our attitude was, let's just do it because that's what married people do.

[cat03]

because we've missed our men so much we want to hug them kiss them, ML w/them..but they aren't ready just yet the first months. We ML 2wks after he was back, he smiled and all afterwards but weeks later confesed to me it didnt' feel the same. Contrary to women's believes, sex is a way for man to connect w/their spouses and if his feelings aren't there yet he can't do that.

Just now and then, while taking a walk, hold his hand for a bit, if he lets go then leave it alone, but that's how it starts. After a while my H would reach for my hand if I brushed mine against his. My H came back in April and not until a few months that he initiated sex (again, I do it most times)
Still no hugs nor kisses unless I start, though he always responds. My timeline might be a bit off too because I dont' see my H every day, only on weekends due to his new job. But I'd say a few months before my H warmed up to me.

Start little, as I said, by holding his hand. Later on I went a bit more ...um, adventurous. When watching a movie I'd cuddle up against him, then I started caressing him and went a bit south and..well, you can guess what I did next after I slid down. But that was a long while after he came back.

[inpain_dup1]

Thank you both for your helpful comments and suggestions.

I suppose he probably will be scared about it too. My trouble is I've wanted to the whole time he was gone obviously because I'm in a different place to him. At first he said he wouldn't because it wasn't right under the circumstances and then when he said he wanted to D he said that those sort of feelings for me had just gone. Now he's changed his mind and wants to try I don't know what that means with regards to his feelings on ML.

I think I will maybe try the holding hands thing you have suggested and see if he pulls away. He did hug me today though. I was comforting S who'd hurt himself and H stood behind me and cuddled us both. It felt lovely to have his arms round me and he squeezed tight for what felt like ages. Think he maybe only did it because I was holding S though - don't think it would have happened otherwise. Maybe he saw it as an opportunity to start working up to more?

Slipped and had a mini R talk today kind of. H keeps going on about buying a car and I can't really say what I truly think on the subject without talking R. I said it was a big decision under the circumstance because I didn't know what he's thinking. He asked what I meant so I just said I didn't know if he had decided yes I'm going to try to make this M work or if he had just thought well I'll move home and see how it goes. He said that obviously he was looking at it positively otherwise there would be no point bothering. I think that sounds very positive do you?? It sounded to me like he meant he was hoping it would work.

He has also hinted today he's getting me something I'll love for Christmas - another baby step I think.

I have just dropped him and his friend off for his work Christmas night out and he just got out the car and said see you tomorrow (he's staying at a colleagues to save taxi fare) I felt really upset by this. As it turned out he'd left his wallet in the car and called me to turn back. When he leaned into the car to get it he squeezed my hand and told me not to stress in a really caring voice. I think this too is a baby step as one of our recurring problems has been that I feel very insecure when he goes out and used to get upset. I didn't show I was upset at all and told him to have a good time. When we were saying what each of us hoped for our "new" M I said that if he reassured me that I was special to him and said something nice when he was going out I'd probably feel a whole lot easier about it. I think his squeezing my hand means he has listened and tried to do something about it!!

Last night he was on the computer and I'd been reading in the same room. I just got up and said I'm going to bed, night. He didn't really look up from the computer. A couple of minutes after I'd got in bed he popped his head round the door and said see you in the morning OK.

All in all I feel a bit better today and feel he is trying.

[toughlover]

Hey there's nothing wrong with a little R talk if the spouse is open to it and you can do it respectfully and without it becoming a negative. That advice to avoid it at all costs is for those sitch's where the S is not receptive at all. It sounds like your H is receptive right now.

That said, I wouldn't push it either. Sounds to me like you're doing great and buying a car in this situation sounds like a complication you don't need unless you have piles of cash laying around

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Just keep your detachment up and your expectations low and don't be surprised if he backpedals a bit or is more enthusiastic about things some times than others. Don't let it throw you into a tailspin, in other words.

I think it sounds very positive and it sounds like you're doing great.

Now keep doing great!