HELP!!! H now wants to try

[toughlover]

If anyone else experienced this at the start of their piecing I'd love some insight into what to do/how it works.

Oh, man, have I been there!

At some point when my DB'ing started paying off and my W started to get closer it really triggered every single thing you're experiencing now. It's just the way it is. We start getting a littlf of what we want and the second guessing gets really cranked up again and will ruin you if you let it.

This is a tough step because you have to remain detached but still engaged and be open for more without really expecting it.

And something I think we forget is that it takes a while for US to be ready for it, too. We think we want it, and we do, but then when we get it, we realize that it's a lot tougher to trust again (which is the issue) than we thought.

We thought the trust thing was just about them being honest and committed. We forgot that the deeper aspect of trust is in, once again, being a little vulnerable ourselves.

It kinda sucks.

But if everyone's being honest and doing what's right, actions backing up what they say, then just like when two people start dating, you two will just continue getting closer and closer. We sort of get in this way of thinking that since we've been married so long, we can just step right back into things and pick up where we left off. But it doesn't really work like that.

and now I have my wish and it seems like I'm the only one trying

Because you're expecting that his "trying" will look like your expectations or like you want it to, or will happen in the order or manner in which you've imagined it. I know exactly what you mean cause I went through the same thing. And this is tough, and I hope you begin to understand this quicker than I did, but it doesn't happen like that.

He probably sees himself as trying VERY hard because he's staying in the spare room and spending time with you. I know we don't like to see it like that, I know I didn't, but that's how it really IS.

And you know what? When we do things that come across to them like prying or whatnot, they're thinking in their minds, "Why isn't SHE trying as hard as I am?"

Let that sink in because that's how my W saw it. To her, when I was pleasant and light and fun I was trying, but when I was talking about the relationship, I WASN'T trying!

It took me a long time to realize that, but once I did, it REALLY helped!

You sort of have to grow back together again, and as we know from gardening, growth just takes longer than we'd like especially in this day and age of instant everything.

Hang tough! It will get easier over time. It's not a smooth process by any means, and there's no timeline.