If your H says he feels emotionally connected to you, then sex is not about freedom.
Like I said, my W felt disconnected from me at a time when I felt an incredible bond with her during sex.
That bubble's been burst. I try to feel it whenever we make love, but it's difficult when I know that she wouldn't miss it if we never did it again, or that I may as well be Brad Pitt or the Pope.
Whatever you do, don't tell your H that you feel disconnected. Just work at feeling the connection yourself. I know you can get it back, but it will be even more difficult if you throw a spanner into his feelings of connectedness.
Mattie,
I just remembered another recurring theme whenever I try to have an heart-to-heart. Whenever I tell her of my hurt (and I've avoided it because of this), she tells me that it's my problem (that I'm hurt) or that her lack of libido is her problem. I'm always trying to make "couple" problems out of personal issues. She also points out there were times when I've rejected her.
She's had hormone tests, but hasn't asked for the results yet. She's gotten a referral to a C, but the paper is still sitting on the counter.
It could mean that she's feeling better about OR, and doesn't feel the need anymore. Or, it could be that it's simply not important to her. Dunno.
Quote: I just remembered another recurring theme whenever I try to have an heart-to-heart. Whenever I tell her of my hurt (and I've avoided it because of this), she tells me that it's my problem (that I'm hurt) or that her lack of libido is her problem. I'm always trying to make "couple" problems out of personal issues. She also points out there were times when I've rejected her.
Boy does that sound familiar. Listen Andy...I would love to help but I feel at a total loss here and oddly enough, I feel as though I am facing many of the same problems...I dont have answers for myself and therefor very little imput for you.
Sounds like she's in "zombie" mode and what is needed is perhaps a sort of reality check. But what? You say you have tried the "heart to heart" and the alone time. Maybe something completely unplanned. I know that a special needs child can make this difficult but would it be possible to plan something WITHOUT her knowledge and then, when she arrives, do not ask her if she feels like it or not, do not teel her about it. Simply take her out somewhere...Not for supper ar a movie or anything like that but something odd and wonderfull! You know, sort of "Cirque du Soleil" type of thing! NAC's got Anna Carrina coming in October??
Sorry about the poor quality here, I'm struggling myself with some of this!
andy, unfortunetly i have already mentioned (in heat of last nights outburst) that i did not feel connected when we make love and that i have lost something in our sexual relationship. i wish i had handled things differently last night. things are ok now, but i said it. what can i do to fix this in your opinion? i can't unsay what has been said and even though it came out in a flash, it is the truth. lisa
"Whenever I tell her of my hurt (and I've avoided it because of this), she tells me that it's my problem (that I'm hurt)"
Have you ever tried to start out with, "Honey, I know that this is my problem, and that I need to deal with it. I feel hurt because .....". Explain what's going on in your head and heart, in a way where she doesn't need to defend herself (and don't give her the chance to if she tries). Lots of "I" stuff, no "you" stuff. Then, again, at the end, "Honey, I know that this is my problem, and that I need to deal with it."
She's going to have to come up with a different response to you, since you already used her "typical" response at both the beginning and end of your "talk". Note that I said "talk". It doesn't need to be a "conversation".
I did something like this a couple of times, and it worked. My wife followed my example and opened up to me after a few times of me doing this.
Would this qualify as something different?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: Have you ever tried to start out with, "Honey, I know that this is my problem, and that I need to deal with it. I feel hurt because .....". Explain what's going on in your head and heart, in a way where she doesn't need to defend herself (and don't give her the chance to if she tries). Lots of "I" stuff, no "you" stuff. Then, again, at the end, "Honey, I know that this is my problem, and that I need to deal with it."
... and add at the end, "Thanks for listening. It really does help."
This validates that you are not looking for her to do anything, to change anything or fix anything. That listening to you is all the support you need (for now... ). It will make it safer for her as well.
Quoting Stephanep: Sounds like she's in "zombie" mode and what is needed is perhaps a sort of reality check. But what?
But there’s no such thing as reality, Steph. That’s the cornerstone of my thinking right now. If she was open to my “reality”, then we could discuss my feelings. And frankly, just because she doesn’t believe in my “reality” doesn’t make her a zombie. I don’t believe her “reality” in a lot of cases either, do I?
Quoting Stephanep: Sorry about the poor quality here, I'm struggling myself with some of this!
I’ve posted to your thread. I think I have to take my own advice here.
Lisa,
You can’t take your statement back as long as you still believe it. Working on your R does not require that you be false to him or yourself. But what you can do is to make the statement false. Then you can take it back. Actually, once you get those lost feelings back, it may not even be necessary to retract your statement. It may become obvious to him.
So how do you make your statement untrue?
You reach way back into your memory of the feelings you had before it became true. You ignore any self-talk that tries to tell you the reasons you lost those feelings. Every time you make love, get lost in the beauty of the moment, and afterwards, you snuggle up close to him and just feel the comfort of his warm body. Run your finger over his chest and tell him you love him.
As for me, I’m not hurting so much anymore. As I mentioned to Steph, I’m taking my own advice, and that includes what I just posted to you.
JJ,
No I haven’t acknowledged that this is my problem. I don’t believe that it is solely my problem. I’m the one with the sense of rejection, and in that respect it is, but that aspect of it must be dealt with privately. As a matter of fact, she’s told me that. So to “open up” would imply that there’s something she can do to help, thus moving it to the realm of “couple issues.”
She’s told me that things are better. It’s extremely important that she continue to believe that. All the “I” talk in the world would not stop her from thinking that I’m forcing my issues back on her.
I think that for now, I should avoid doing something different. It really seems like any attempt to do something different has the danger of going back to more of the same (180+180). Even if it’s different, I have to be sensitive to W’s perception that it’s more of the same.
KAW,
I understand what you and JJ are saying, but I won't lie to her and tell her that all I want is to be heard. If it was true, then I'd do it. But I want more. So, it comes back to a personal issue for me. I have to be OK with the status quo, and decide how long I can accept things the way they are.
I guess I already posted my decision to Mattie. I'll wait a lifetime if I have to. But I won't give up hope that things will get better. That's the paradox.
It’s not so bad right now, do I think I’ll just go with the flow.
). It will make it safer for her as well.