I wish I could talk to your W. I think I was her a few years back. I believe I could help her to understand some of what she is feeling and going through.
I held a lot of resentment over the years. I always felt my H just wanted sex, just wanted a release, and didn't really care about my feelings or what I wanted and needed. I thought the issue of "not getting enough" just made him angry at me, which in turn made me angry at him. I was very wrong about that. But in my own defense, my H did not make that clear to me until it was apparently too late.
What I've come to understand is how much my "rejection" of my H really, really hurt him. Understand, that I did not see my lack of desire as rejecting him. I did not see the pain that I was causing him. And, he did not tell me these things. Apparently, if I really loved him I would just know all that!! Yep, that's how he felt about it. So, because I'm not a mind reader and didn't see how much I was hurting him, he obviously felt that I didn't love him. Apparently, he was able to live like that for many years until he started thinking that maybe someone else "could read his mind" and "know" everything about him, and he'd find love with someone else. I guess what he didn't reckon on that just because he "thought" I didn't love him, that didn't change the fact that he still loved me. Being with another woman didn't make him feel better -- totally the opposite.
Well, I digress. But my intention is to give you some hope. There was a time when I couldn't stand being around my H. There was a time when I didn't want his affection (in my mind that only meant he wanted sex!!) There was a time when I just wanted to be alone. Those times are all behind me now. And, I want you to understand, Andy, that my change in attitude had nothing to do with the PA or the EA. I was well on the way to making changes long before I ever found out about that. So you certainly don't need to go to the extremes that my H did to get your W's attention. But I wonder if perhaps a reall heart-to-heart isn't in order sometime in the near future. She isn't a mind reader, Andy. Perhaps she doesn't know how much you're hurting.
