You’re right about the loneliness. In my work, I sit at a cubicle and work on a computer. My contact with coworkers and clients is via email and a few phone calls. For awhile, I was traveling to far off exotic places like Hicksville TN, or Hooterville IN. Would work my day – primarily alone and then go to my hotel room.
So now, when I get home, W is out. I don’t know when she’ll return, but I do know that the kids will be all over her, and there’s no place for me. And like you, if I want a slice of her time, I come off as selfish.
The only answer is to embrace being alone, Rachael. It’s not the same thing as giving up on togetherness, but you have to learn to enjoy your own company, and when the opportunity for time together arises, enjoy that to the max.
Quoting rmccord: COuld he have said lets make it another night? Yes, he could have. Did he? No, he didn't. I feel like I'm always last and that he does not take my feelings into consideration. IF he would have just said do you want me to make it another night it would have meant the world to me
This is a big thing for me, too. But, it comes under the heading of “don’t take it personally.” Just because he didn’t say it, doesn’t mean that he didn’t think it, Rachael. I suspect that in his mind, there’ll always be another night, so it went without saying.
Quoting ANS: Lately, W has been turning the other cheek when I kiss her. Doesn't feel very good.
But the last few days, she's actually taking me by the shoulder when I kiss her, so I'm feeling a little better.
Her reply to ILY has been a grunt at best. Well, she just called me at work to see if I could take d#1 to yoga (yes... yet another thing). Before hanging up, I said ILY, and she replied, "me too."
It really doesn't take much to make me happy sometimes.
Ooooooops. Did I say make me happy? No.No.No!!!!! W can't make me happy!!! Only I can do that!
Yesterday, it was back to the grunt.
Last night there were (as tree would say), fireworks.
Today I feel fine. I can hardly wait for next month!
Y’know, Rachael, it’s draining that I always have to be the initiator, and that her response is usually an unenthusiastic no. But sometimes, she embellishes her response with, “Sorry honey. Not tonight.” And that’s almost as good as, “We’ll see.” (which is as close as I ever get to “yes”)
Just a small change in the way she says things means so much to me. But in her mind, the message is the same.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Rachael, is that Adrian’s way of communicating with you doesn’t do anything to make you feel wanted or loved. But his actions and words are not an accurate barometer of his feelings towards you, or of his desire to make you happy.
Steph,
All I can say is that you can hold on as long as you want to. It’s your decision. But I think you should hang in there. Slowlee Slowlee… Baby steps… It all sounds cliché after awhile, but your R went downhill slowlee slowlee, so there won’t be a flash of thunder to announce the restoration of your M. It’s just gonna ease on down the road.
KAW,
You have a knack of posting really great stuff at a time when I’m completely unreceptive to it. I often have to reread your posts when I’m feeling a little more solution oriented. Keep throwing it out there.
My kids are a little older. Girls are 16 and 14. Boys are 12 and almost 9. They’re at the point where it’s virtually impossible to get everyone interested in the same thing at the same time. But I’ll certainly keep an eye open for any opportunity that may present itself. Who knows?
The kite thing sound fun.
And my good friend Mattie,
Thanks for sharing that with me. I see a lot of what my W is going through in what you were experiencing. And I understand that too. I really do. It makes things easier for me. It makes things easier to not take it personally when she wants to be alone.
I also understand that when she wants to be with other people such as MF whilst excluding me, it’s only because she needs the variety of adult companionship that she lacked for so many years.
All of our children are in school now. W has all day to herself. It seems like now that she cannot socialize with MF, she’s relying on herself.
Quoting matilda: No thanks. I just wanted to enjoy some of the same things he was experiencing -- being alone.
Yeah. I guess she’s doing that too. And it’s frustrating for her that I don’t seem to be able to “enjoy” such a wonderful thing like being alone. I don’t know if she doesn’t care about how I feel, but she most certainly doesn’t understand.
Quoting matilda: Honestly, Andy, it took many, many years for me to get to the point of wanting to be a couple with my H again. Ironically, I had just reached that stage as he was deciding to engage in a PA.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is to not give up hope for the future. I believe there will come a time in your W's life where she will realize what she's missing out on and she will want to reconnect with you.
I pray you will wait for her, Andy.
I haven’t given up hope, Mattie. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t.
I take some comfort from your story. Lily’s too. It shows me that it is possible for things to turn around. But I’ve also read about women who never get the feelings back. I’ve read that loss of libido can be permanent after menopause, and I’ve known women who can’t stand to be in the same room with their H’s.
It is possible but not certain.
But I will wait for her, Mattie. If I have to wait a lifetime, I’ll wait.
