andy, have you ever been able to arrange for 2 of your kids to stay over friends houses and maybe a family member to come over and be with son so you and wife could take in a walk, a movie, a dinner? does your school system offer after hours care, does the state have any program? can you take your wife to lunch on your lunch break?
i have a 2o month old and i am so lucky to have a mil who comes once a week so h and i can go to therapy. we also try to have her come an extra night a month so we can go out on a date.
thank you for your kind post on my thread. i wish i could help you in some way. lisa
We have no relatives within 500 miles of us. At least no-one who could handle S#2. D#1, D#2, S#1 are all of babysitting age, so we can and do rely on them to baby-sit. W and I don’t do things alone because W doesn’t choose to do so. I offer from time to time. She’s usually too tired. I know it sounds lame, but she really is too tired.
She does have enough energy for some activities. We went riding yesterday. Early next month, we'll be going to a comedy show. I wish we could do some things alone (i.e.: a date), but that's gonna have to wait.
We had a morning routine where I brought her coffee in bed each morning. But right now, she needs her sleep too much. We used to go for breakfast each Sunday morning, but that’s gone by the wayside, too.
I don’t think this is a permanent situation, Lisa. She’ll get some of her energy back at some point.
The idea of respite care has been suggested to me before too. Provincial funding has been cut, cut, and cut some more. There's not much out there.
andy, it must be hard being so far from family. at least 2 of your kids are pretty self-sufficient. of course they still keep you guys busy with all their activities.
sometimes i don't want to be out alone with h because i start to feel sad for some reason. it is good you feel so positive about her ability to get through this tiring time. my h always stays pretty positive with me. when i am down, he points out all the positives. when i get angry at him he listens and doesn't usually get angry back. he keeps upbeat and acts as if this marraige will be the best ever. at first it annoyed me. now it really helps me. i am sure your positive attitude is having a great affect on your wife. she notices! i don't always respond to my h's positive overatures, but they do register. even if it is a day or two later.
I know what you mean about the sad feelings. Today I just wanna cry.
When I got home from work yesterday, W was out for a walk. She didn't return until almost 8PM. I tried to strike up a conversation but couldn't. The kids had her engaged, and when I could get a word in edgewise, I had nothing to say.
We don’t have anything in common anymore. Yes, we share the same struggle to keep up with our family. This morning it was W who got up to change S#2, give him a bath, etc. But who wants to share the bad things?
When I feel bad/sad, I’m reticent to discuss it. Who wants all that negativity? The last thing I want to do is to drag her down. When I do discuss, W tries to cheer me up by telling me it’s not so bad, or by comparing her problems to mine, or even worse, by comparing other people’s problems to mine. That doesn’t help.
All of the suggestions I got here are great. The only problem is that right now, I need time with my W to actually do any of them. And right now, all she wants is to escape all of the turmoil. What she wants from me is to do whatever I can to allow her to escape.
Even if we were to get respite care, etc. it would only be a bandaid solution. Lets say we can get out for a dinner out. We’d have nothing to talk about, and when it’s over, we’d still have to go home.
We went to a concert (together, alone) about a month ago. It did nothing to bring us closer together.
I’m starting to think that I’ve done all I can except to accept my fate. Glad you think I’m helping you, Lisa, but I’m not so sure if I’ll stick around much longer.
Just feeling kinda done-in. I’m not much use to anyone right now.
andy, you are so strong. caring for a special needs child is such a challenge. i am a preschool teacher and have had special needs kids. i was exhausted with just my limited contact and i got to go home.
andy, it is not fate that will take care of you now. i don't know about your personal beliefs and i don't want to be preachy. i will say a prayer for you.
maybe right now you two don't have too much in common. but you say you have common goals. if your wife won't spend time alone with you right now, maybe the best thing you guys can do is take turns. she goes for her walk. you go for a rollerblade after.
maybe having a seperate away time would rejouvenate both of you and give you some more to talk about. your kids have many activities. what about limiting some of them and spending more family time. more relaxing time. it feels like you guys are burning out.
have you ever thought about moving closer to family? can you hire a babysitter who has RN or other special training? so everyone can get a break even if it is seperate.
i am sorry you are sad. i am sorry your w isn't reaching out to you. i think she may be missing a lot in her effort to show you she is strong and independant and doesn't place you on a pedastal anymore. i have been guilty of this. but i don't want to deny myself the good parts of my h just to prove my point.
I saw you were feeling down and just wanted to send some smiles your way.
Kids can really keep you running hard. I know mine always keep us busy. I know my situation is differant and I can't truly understand the level of care that is required in your situation.
But I thought I would share a few thoughts that pertain to my family and perhaps it will trigger some thoughts for you.
My wife and I started having troubles before my kids were born. From hind site I would say that my wife in particular and myself later, overbonded with the kids. We filled some emotional needs in ourselves and in our marriage through our children. This overbonding has made our children too dependant on our help and time.
A family unit is a mutualy dependant system and like a marriage when one thing / person changes the whole family changes. Because more people are involved change can be slower but change will happen.
So I guess I am getting around to saying apply the DB concepts to your whole family situaion like you have your Marriage.
Anyway I can relate to a certain extent. I have two kids and a wife that have a problem with ADD. The kids are overdependant on my wife and I. We have two puppies in the house that need a lot of care. My wife and I both have demanding jobs and we own and our remodling two homes.
This leaves very little personal time and even less couple time. So we are emailing each other, Using our cell phones, leaving voice mail, Little notes here and there, and talking on the run. Once in a while we end up in bed awake at the same time or share a meal together with out the kids.
Anyway I really did just want to send some smiles your way.
Andy, Going back when I had to give W some space (boy I'm spend a lot of time back there today!) , I concentrated my time with D8 (8 yr old D). I taught her how to play chess, backgammon, dominos, etc. We also played games she liked as well - checkers, chutes & ladders. Two - three nites a week, this turned into a routine. Sometimes, my W would observe from the sidelines. As time went on, W would spend more and more time in the same room as us as we played. While she did little participation in playing she has come to enjoy being with us. It allowed a new way for us to interact in a happier family setting. As other activities increased we had to cut back some on this, but everyone still looks forward to Wednesday nights as game nite.
I don't know about the strength. Anyone who has to deal with this sort of thing finds the strength. It's in all of us. But having the strength to do that and be happy. I just don't think I can do that.
Quoting lisakate32: maybe right now you two don't have too much in common. but you say you have common goals. if your wife won't spend time alone with you right now, maybe the best thing you guys can do is take turns. she goes for her walk. you go for a rollerblade after.
maybe having a seperate away time would rejouvenate both of you and give you some more to talk about. your kids have many activities. what about limiting some of them and spending more family time. more relaxing time. it feels like you guys are burning out.
That's what I was talking about when I said that I have to learn to accept my fate somehow. A couple of years ago, when I complained to W that we don't spend enough time together, she said that we can't. We have to take turns doing things. Well, after awhile, we started doing more together, but still not a lot alone together.
She started including me in her activities with other friends - primarily MF. This was much better but I still wanted "couple time." Well, now that our contact with MF is curtailed, we don't even have much "bunch of friends" time.
As to curtailing our kids, the thing is, it’s not that they have so many activities. We just have so many kids!
Dunno. I’d like to convince W that it’s OK to spend time alone with me. She’s just never agreed to it before, and from more recent conversations (such as they are), her attitude hasn’t changed.
Eric,
I just tried to call W. Just to talk. Had no idea what I was going to say.
But it didn’t matter. She wasn’t home.
KAW,
W has all the time in the world for the kids. Just none for me. I know you'll say that there's an opportunity here, but as soon as I get involved, she finds something else to do.
I sometimes get the feeling that she tries to spread herself around. I'm just the lowest in the pecking order.
Andy-Sorry you are in a bump in the road-maybe more like a big chuckhole! I know it can't be easy and it feels overwhelming sometimes. I truly do hope things improve between you and your W..You need each other.HUGS.... Roni
Quote: W has all the time in the world for the kids. Just none for me. I know you'll say that there's an opportunity here, but as soon as I get involved, she finds something else to do.
It all happens in baby steps. At first my W was not interested and do her own thing as well. It took nearly three months for her to spend time in the room with us regularly. It was nearly half a year later when she admitted she actually enjoys and looks forward to the times when my D & I play a game and she watches even though she and D do spend time together after school when I'm not there. In the long term, it was also one of the things that drew her closer to me. Attrached her to desire spending some more alone time with me.
My point here Andy, is at first she may take it as an oppurtunity to go her own way, but if you provide a period of time for a lighter, upbeat family environment different from the daily grind, then in time she will be drawn towards it as a safe haven in which she could enjoy time with her family (including you) and if you are the source of enjoyable family time, then she may be drawn to you as well.
I didn't come across this by design, but was an observation over time. As a matter of fact, it was not my intention for this to have an impact on my W, but strickly to bring my D and I closer. It turned out that draw my W closer was just a fringe benefit.
