I've been working under some assumptions. We all do. To a certain extent, we don't have a choice.
But I've just revisited some of them, and feel I have to revise.
Quoting ANS: I think I’ve been too stuck on giving her the space to step out of the defined roles of mother and wife. I’m not saying that I’ve necessarily done a bang-up job of the space thing, but that’s been the focus of my meager attempts.
Gotta ruminate on what I can do that I’m not doing now.
There are two assumptions implicit in this. Firstly, I'm assuming that there's always something more I can do. Always room for improvement. And secondly, that what I've been doing so far isn't truly appreciated.
Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I'm doing all that I'm capable of. I have limitations. It's as simple as that.
JJ thought that perhaps I could do something like…
Quoting Jamesjohn: Can you go to work late one day, and get them ready? Come home early, and YOU do the dinner, or work on it together? Or maybe bring some dinner home? You help them with homework? Somehow provide a buffer from the kids being all over her when she gets home? Any other small things to break the pattern you've got going? Doesn't have to be a rigemented and permanent change, just out of the blue, and on occassions, just to kinda blow her away.
This morning, S#2 wet his bed. At 4AM, I gave him a bath and washed his bedclothes. Did it blow her away? No. Because I’ve been doing this kind of thing whenever I can. I can’t go to work late or leave early, but when I’m there I do my best.
Is it appreciated? I think it is. It doesn’t blow her away because it’s what I do, and also, it’s my duty to do so. She has every right to expect me to do my best.
Sometimes, I don’t feel appreciated because she says things to invalidate my feelings. Yesterday, I was exhausted. I was ready to explode with frustration. I told W that S#2 and the dog were competing to get underfoot. She said, “S#2 doesn’t do that.” My reaction was that she didn’t appreciate the pressures I was under.
But, I thought about this later, and it occurred to me that maybe… Just maybe… she didn’t realize it at the moment, but did realize it later. When someone says something on the spur of the moment, it is not necessarily entrenched in their mindset.
Another assumption I make is that because she’s so stressed, tired, etc. etc. etc. She’s not capable of empathy for me.
That’s a pretty low opinion of her isn’t it?
I think she does appreciate me and empathize. It’s a simple matter of her not communicating that to me – or even more likely – I’m not receptive to her communications of it.
BTW, Steph. I think this may just apply to you, too.
