Glad you liked it, ANS. I'll keep throwing stuff at you, and we'll see what sticks!
My, my, sounds like your plates are pretty full! All the things you're doing are very important, and I don't think there's any reason to stop these things. However, try not to neglect your relationship while all this other "life" stuff is going on.
It was mentioned earlier to take off somewhere for the weekend, which is a GREAT idea! Unfortunately, that doesn't sound like this can be done at the time, though.
Instead, why not try to have a few "mini-vacations"? You don't even need to leave the house, or spend much money. Some things to help recharge both of your batteries. Together.
Reading to each other in bed before going to sleep. (NO SELF-HELP STUFF!). A special dessert for the two of you, with the bedroom door locked. Rose petals on the bed when she gets home from her skating. Or a bath drawn for her (or both of you) when she gets home. You get the idea, and hopefully others will chime in with more stuff.
The hit-and-run things like you did last night were good, so do more!
It sounds like instead of the "One Minute Manager" book, we need to start writing a "One Minute Marriage" book for you!
I'll be back!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks again, JJ. More great ideas for me to try (once I can get to see W, that is).
As to mini-vacations in the house. We can't even get a minute outside the house. For example, when W got back from blading yesterday, I was outside. I couldn't get 2 words out before the kids started hollering at her though the back door!
I think it's gonna have to be hit-and-run for the moment.
To be honest, I could accept that if there was a little more hitting. Especially in the intimacy dept.
Lately, W has been turning the other cheek when I kiss her. Doesn't feel very good.
But the last few days, she's actually taking me by the shoulder when I kiss her, so I'm feeling a little better.
Her reply to ILY has been a grunt at best. Well, she just called me at work to see if I could take d#1 to yoga (yes... yet another thing). Before hanging up, I said ILY, and she replied, "me too."
It really doesn't take much to make me happy sometimes.
Ooooooops. Did I say make me happy? No.No.No!!!!! W can't make me happy!!! Only I can do that!
BTW, a few years back, W bought a "One Minute" book. Don't remember the title, something like The one minute marriage In it, they recommended a one minute kiss, which W wanted to do.
It kinda irks me sometimes when she can't even do that.
When a parent spends so much time being a "parent", it's pretty easy for them to lose their identity as a "person". Especially for a Mom, and especially for a Mom of a child with special needs.
What things might you be able to do, that you're not doing now, to help her reinforce good thoughts of herself as a woman, and as a person beyond the defined roles of a mother, and of a wife?
Again, not from your perceptions, but from what HER perceptions might be?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting Jamesjohn: When a parent spends so much time being a "parent", it's pretty easy for them to lose their identity as a "person". Especially for a Mom, and especially for a Mom of a child with special needs.
I’m sure you know that I’ve been keenly aware of this for a long time. It’s particularly true for stay-at-home moms like my W, but it’s also something I can relate to on a personal level as a try-to-do-whatever-I-can dad.
I once asked W what I could do to make her feel special to me. Her answer was to help more around the house. Huh??? What about flowers? What about cutesy cards? What about hugs and kisses? I just didn’t understand.
I asked my sister about this and she said, “Y’know, Andy. Helping her shows that you understand what she’s going through.” What a revelation that was! I thought that if I helped “too much”, it would make her think that I thought she can't “handle it.”
Duh! That was a big lesson in
Quoting Jamesjohn: … not from your perceptions, but from what HER perceptions might be?
But you’ve really made me think, JJ.
Quoting Jamesjohn: What things might you be able to do, that you're not doing now, to help her reinforce good thoughts of herself as a woman, and as a person beyond the defined roles of a mother, and of a wife?
What might I be able to do that I’m not doing now.
I think I’ve been too stuck on giving her the space to step out of the defined roles of mother and wife. I’m not saying that I’ve necessarily done a bang-up job of the space thing, but that’s been the focus of my meager attempts.
Gotta ruminate on what I can do that I’m not doing now.
Thanks, KAW! Remember, you can add stuff here, too! The more, the better, for ALL of us!
I borrowed this from Bridget on her thread, thought it was good to exemplify the little "time together" things that quite often work wonders. Not really any one big thing, just lots of little things, all added together.
Quoting BRIDGET: Signs and 180s:
-- We keep finding things to do together: drive to Costco, take the dogs to the vet, make toast, fold laundry. We are enjoying the routine of this, just talking local politics, music, gossip. It's hard to make the time for so much "togetherness" in the work week. My boss gets mad. My friends think I'm nuts. But it's working for us to spend MORE TIME TOGETHER. So that's my focus. Dirty laundry, dirty dishes, dirty car, and my career -- well, they can just take a number!
Bridget
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I don't think my dilemma is unique. In fact, I tend to think that all of us in "piecing" are facing similar dilemmas.. er... dilemmae? Oh well, you know what I mean.
I dont have much to post here, but just wanted to let you know that I am reading with great interest!
My wife and I are still living apart, we have NOT been "intimate" and there is little talk of us getting back together..but for those of you familiar with my situation...things are progressing quite well, although sloooooooowly!
Just wanted to say that my dilemmas (as well as my wife's) are VERY similar to the ones you are facing...strange...I believe I AM piecing, just from a different angle, and although there are many differences..there are also a great number of similarities!
I've been working under some assumptions. We all do. To a certain extent, we don't have a choice.
But I've just revisited some of them, and feel I have to revise.
Quoting ANS: I think I’ve been too stuck on giving her the space to step out of the defined roles of mother and wife. I’m not saying that I’ve necessarily done a bang-up job of the space thing, but that’s been the focus of my meager attempts.
Gotta ruminate on what I can do that I’m not doing now.
There are two assumptions implicit in this. Firstly, I'm assuming that there's always something more I can do. Always room for improvement. And secondly, that what I've been doing so far isn't truly appreciated.
Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I'm doing all that I'm capable of. I have limitations. It's as simple as that.
JJ thought that perhaps I could do something like…
Quoting Jamesjohn: Can you go to work late one day, and get them ready? Come home early, and YOU do the dinner, or work on it together? Or maybe bring some dinner home? You help them with homework? Somehow provide a buffer from the kids being all over her when she gets home? Any other small things to break the pattern you've got going? Doesn't have to be a rigemented and permanent change, just out of the blue, and on occassions, just to kinda blow her away.
This morning, S#2 wet his bed. At 4AM, I gave him a bath and washed his bedclothes. Did it blow her away? No. Because I’ve been doing this kind of thing whenever I can. I can’t go to work late or leave early, but when I’m there I do my best.
Is it appreciated? I think it is. It doesn’t blow her away because it’s what I do, and also, it’s my duty to do so. She has every right to expect me to do my best.
Sometimes, I don’t feel appreciated because she says things to invalidate my feelings. Yesterday, I was exhausted. I was ready to explode with frustration. I told W that S#2 and the dog were competing to get underfoot. She said, “S#2 doesn’t do that.” My reaction was that she didn’t appreciate the pressures I was under.
But, I thought about this later, and it occurred to me that maybe… Just maybe… she didn’t realize it at the moment, but did realize it later. When someone says something on the spur of the moment, it is not necessarily entrenched in their mindset.
Another assumption I make is that because she’s so stressed, tired, etc. etc. etc. She’s not capable of empathy for me.
That’s a pretty low opinion of her isn’t it?
I think she does appreciate me and empathize. It’s a simple matter of her not communicating that to me – or even more likely – I’m not receptive to her communications of it.
BTW, Steph. I think this may just apply to you, too.
Quoting ANS: It’s a simple matter of her not communicating that to me – or even more likely – I’m not receptive to her communications of it.
BTW, Steph. I think this may just apply to you, too.
I think her asking me to stay "awhile" in the late evening is a perfect example of me not being receptive ti her communications! I usually realize this only after the fact and when my chance to act upon her communications is long gone!
Thanks for putting the words to the sentiment! You have a nack for making concrete what is mostly vague and abstract in my mind!
