The seasons thing JJ mentioned meshes with the "perception of her feelings towards you" that KAW mentioned.
My MIL once told my W that in the course of a M, you fall in and out of love with your SO.
My W never told me explicitly that she'd fallen out of love with me, but the conversation with her mom would imply that she did at some point.
However, whatever her current feelings, she isn't stuck in the view that she doesn't love me.
JJ,
I hafta stick to my guns on the "making W happier" thing. You're absolutely right that having an happier Andy will help. But if you're balking because "happiness comes from within", then I hafta sort of disagree.
I think the "happiness comes from within" concept is one of those things that is blown out of proportion.
It's a sure thing that you can't expect happiness to originate from the outside. But...
We were happy doing things together for so many years. Yes, both of us were happy. And we can do fun and happy things again!
Janey2,
Thanks for dropping by. This isn't the first time your idea came up, and I'm sure it won't be the last But frankly, it isn't possible at this time.
Steph,
I think you're trying to say the same thing that Lily posted earlier. You're both right. I know that things will go in a larger circle some day.
I'm not really sure which way this thread is going. I don't really need encouragement right now, but I thank those who provide it.
I could use some advice, but I know that kind of clues I can give everyone to help me into the right direction.
I don’t think I’m in a typical DB sit right now.
Maybe if we just set my whole history aside and try to look at things with a beginner’s mind.
OK. Here’s my perception of the way things are:
My W is of a mind that she’s always relied too heavily on me to fulfill her needs. When I was unavailable (the reasons don’t matter – she doesn’t blame me), she spread her wings and got new friends. She says that in her younger days, she was always part of a gang of friends. When we started dating, we combined socializing with a gang of people with some “couple” time (i.e.: alone). But over the last coupla years, she seemed to get one best friend who she spent a lot of time with. It wasn’t me. Her perception that she relied too much on me prevented me from being that “best” friend. Most recently, it was MF – who readers of my threads will be familiar with. However, MF’s W got jeleous and now prevents W from socializing with us. W resents this. She blames society for dictating that male-female relationships are somehow bad.
So now, W is friendless. I think she feels that her only recourse is to concentrate on being happy by herself. So she does the same sorts of things that made her happy before. She still goes rollerblading, but alone instead of with MF. She reads a lot. That kind of stuff.
Then there’s the fatigue factor. It could easily be said that W hasn’t slept properly since D#1 was born 16 years ago. But putting that aside, she definitely hasn’t slept properly in the past several weeks. Since school started S#2(autistic) has been bouncing off the walls from the time he awakens until we stuff him into bed (and even then…)
Hormones. W is going through peri-menopause. I won’t elaborate.
Libido. Gone.
A typical day starts with me waking the kids (except S#2 who’s already bouncing) and preparing for work. No coffee routine. W is trying desparately to rest. Once I’m gone, she takes over and gets ‘em all packed off to school. When I arrive home from work, W is out blading (alone). Of course, before leaving, she has seen to the kids homework, put supper on, etc. etc. etc. I get home, eat, do dishes. W gets home, and the kids are all over her…
Well I won’t go on. You get the idea.
This is all starting to sound like a rehash of some of my previous threads, so I’m gonna stop now.
It was supposed to be a "fresh" look at things. Sheesh!
But frankly, it isn't possible at this time.
