Cheater needing assistance

[Astimegoeson]

see that's what I don't get. I have cut off all ties with OM, it happened one time, it is not a continuing "thing" and I do want to make it work - and for some folks here, they'd be ecstatic, but it's not enough for H. I know not to expect too much too soon - or to really expect much of anything - it just sucks.

---

It's most likely your H will come around and forgive you no matter how your relationship is settled. My WAW is in denial, but is still carrying on her EA. I have forgiven her even in the face of this ongoing EA. I have come to a point where I'm at peace and have moved on. I'm on very friendly terms with her now and we have great cooperation between us when it comes to our S6 & SS14. One of the catalysts in getting me to this point was time to myself. A lot of time! It's a series of emotions have to feel, recognize and overcome. It's a battle you fight within yourself. Hope vs despair, fear vs bravery, self-doubt vs confidence, love vs hate, anger vs forgiveness. It's exhausting, but there is a conclusion and a winner.

Your even in a better position to regain your H's faith, love, and forgiveness because you have choose to end the A and stand for your marriage.

My advice would be to give him a lot of time and space. He'll come around sooner or later and will forgive you. That battle will rage in him until a winner is declared and the negative emotions will be rejected. That notion that love always triumphs in the end is true.

[*KS*Chick*]

My problem or concern or worry or whatever :P is that yes - he may forgive me, but will we be together in the long run? Knowing him, I doubt it.

However, today WILL be a good day! Right?

[Heywyre]

Astimegoeson

love always triumphs in the end

My H told me the other day that he felt when two people truly love each other, anything is possible, even repairing all the damage he has done. I don't believe that right now but I hope to some time in the near future. But it was sure nice to hear it from someone else too - thanks

[gotta_change]

GC, I feel for you when your H says those mean words. Don't take the following words as advise, I just want to say it. Maybe he'd think you're serious if you just disappear for a day or two and tell him to call you when he's ready to trust you. We're on different ends of the rope here so it's really difficult to say what if any will convince your H of how sorry you are.

Thanks for the advice, however.....if I disappeared (or went on any trips without him) he has already told me that he would leave for good. I've walked away a few times just from conversations and he's gone ballistic.

I'm trying to hold on to him. Today is a VERY bad day. We had a great night and morning (ML several times! ) But then maybe because it was so great, that's why he's not happy this AM.

I get a call at work with "How could you do this to me you sick bitch?" and "F you for lying to me". When he got really bad, I told him I had to go. He hung up. Called back in a couple of minutes saying "I'm angry and you're upset, let's not be".

Then asks "What am I supposed to do? Just swallow the fact you did this to me? Just because you say you want it NOW, makes it all better?" This is the hardest thing for me to answer. I tell him that I love him and he keeps throwing the "Yeah Now" back in my face.

He hung up on that call and called me back again. I thought the conversation was going to go better a third time, but it didn't and he hung up a final time and hasn't called back.

I'm not calling him. He's angry and I get upset (even though I know I'm supposed to detach). Anyway, what would I say if I called back?

I keep telling him that I want to move forward and he's stuck in two areas:
1. That I haven't disclosed everything - he thinks there is more information about the A that is in my head. Mainly because I didn't give him everything straight out the first time (it took a couple of months....I know BAD!)
2. That I lied to him for so long and how is he supposed to "let me think that it's OK to treat him that way".

Any insight from Sol, Wedge, OSU....I would greatly appreciate....

[runningoutoftime]

Gosh, I wish I had some useful advice. I'm just trying to get through all the anger and venom just like your husband. Sometimes I compare it to letting out poison. That there's this poison in me that needs to dump out.

Somehow you need to keep telling him (over and over and over) that it's not that you "treated him" a certain way. But that what happened has nothing to do with him but a weakness or temporary insanity that occured in you.

One problem I've noticed with affairs. Those of us cheated on do keep asking the same questions over and over and we get stuck on certain things. And the one who did the cheating thinks that answering the question two of three times should help (and for most things it does!), and they're ready to move on. But really I think sometimes the one cheated on just needs to hear it over and over and over a million times. Endless reassurance. I know it's not logical and kind of tedious, but I think that might be what's needed.

[Heywyre]

Good answer runningoutoftime

I don't think my H could tell me enough times in a day how sorry he was - that reassurance is paramount! over and over and over and over

My H has finally begun to see that is what I need to get through this. By doing it, he has also realized it is helping him (and has commented on how he's feeling stronger the last couple of days). It's because he is releasing his pain too. His main issue is the guilt and by saying (sincerely) that he is sorry about how he crushed my world, it is helping him release that guilt he has. I am not responsible for his pain, he has to deal with that, but I can't hold on to being vindictive and wanting to see him hurt like that forever. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to see the pain in his face, so it validates my hurt, but at the same time, I love the man and if that is the case, I really don't want to see him suffering like that either. It's a fine line

[~Sol]

GC, your H is venting out his anger and hurt. It is all an emotional outlet. I do it too, but not so much in front of my W now, though I do get those >>moments<<!! All you can do right now is validate him and reassure. Like r.o.o.t. said, reassure him over and over. I need my W to do that for me from time to time, and the anger and hurt I have is still there, just controlled and I am learning to deal with it day by day. Otherwise, how could I DB effectively?

Take it one day at a time. When he gets moody like this, you need to detach and let him be, even if it's for just a while. Let him work out his emotions. He can't be angry all the time.

[gotta_change]

Thanks Sol - I think today he had too much time to think at work (always gets him riled up).

We've talked since and he's a bit better. He's really hurting and I will continue to reassure him over and over (and over!)

I know that he wants to figure out a way to work through this, but he keeps asking me how he's supposed to do it. I tell him that we will do it together and that we'll be all the more stronger for it. I think he's ok with hearing that because it takes a bit of the wind out of his sails.

Bottom line: He's hurt, angry and rightfully so. I want to show him that I mean everything I say. I'm still trying to come up with "You are number One with me" things. Last night's ML session I think was a good start!

[~Sol]

GC,

You are doing more than my W is right now as far as reassuring and working on the R. I'm kinda stuck in going through the motions of M right now. W is not really opening up or having any intimate talks, which bothers me a little. I'm not sure if I should initiate a casual conv. about our R as I have been patiently waiting for her to do it. I just fear that she thinks of OM whenever I want to be intimate with her, and I'm not sure how long that will last. I guess I need to make it a goal so I can know when I've reached it.

I know that whenever I bring up OM and the A, my W blows a gasket! so for me it is not beneficial to my R when I do that. It sucks for me because I need to be reassured, but for now my W is doing that through her actions. Even though I know that actions speak louder than words, I still need those words, and backed up with a smile.