Yes it does suck but you are going to have to let it happen for now. If you were always right up under his nose, then that would be like him find out about the A over, and over, and over again. He has to process it and deal with the emotions that he is going through. When he has some quiet time, I am sure that he sits and thinks about whether he wants this M or not. If our WAS were as willing to work on our M as you are, we would be on our hands and knees day and night thanking God for the opportunity to make things right.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
I don't know how you go from day to day with the OM still in the picture. That was #1 priority in our M for me to stay and try and work through things - she had to go - 100% and NOW!! I am not about to try and compete with someone else. So far (which has only been a couple of weeks) he has remained true to his word (although it must be a little easier for him being she is in another city - 3 hour drive from here) however, he also claims he has not even called her. I guess time will tell when I get in his cell bill and check it (he doesn't know I have access to it online). I hate having to do it but it gives me reassurance that he's telling the truth, which he also has had a lot of problem with over the years. It's like he thinks I'm his mother and going to punish him. There are so many other issues in his life other than the OW - too many to count. But at least he is trying and going to counselling in the meantime. He is also on AD and that seems to be helping him cope too. He is still a basket case emotionally though and as cruel as this sounds, it is helping me to heal a heck of a lot quicker because I can see his pain and know I am not the only one suffering in this R.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't know how you go from day to day with the OM still in the picture. That was #1 priority in our M for me to stay and try and work through things - she had to go - 100% and NOW!! I am not about to try and compete with someone else. So far (which has only been a couple of weeks) he has remained true to his word (although it must be a little easier for him being she is in another city - 3 hour drive from here) however, he also claims he has not even called her. I guess time will tell when I get in his cell bill and check it (he doesn't know I have access to it online). I hate having to do it but it gives me reassurance that he's telling the truth, which he also has had a lot of problem with over the years. It's like he thinks I'm his mother and going to punish him. There are so many other issues in his life other than the OW - too many to count. But at least he is trying and going to counselling in the meantime. He is also on AD and that seems to be helping him cope too. He is still a basket case emotionally though and as cruel as this sounds, it is helping me to heal a heck of a lot quicker because I can see his pain and know I am not the only one suffering in this R.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't know how you go from day to day with the OM still in the picture. That was #1 priority in our M for me to stay and try and work through things - she had to go - 100% and NOW!! I am not about to try and compete with someone else. So far (which has only been a couple of weeks) he has remained true to his word (although it must be a little easier for him being she is in another city - 3 hour drive from here) however, he also claims he has not even called her. I guess time will tell when I get in his cell bill and check it (he doesn't know I have access to it online). I hate having to do it but it gives me reassurance that he's telling the truth, which he also has had a lot of problem with over the years. It's like he thinks I'm his mother and going to punish him. There are so many other issues in his life other than the OW - too many to count. But at least he is trying and going to counselling in the meantime. He is also on AD and that seems to be helping him cope too. He is still a basket case emotionally though and as cruel as this sounds, it is helping me to heal a heck of a lot quicker because I can see his pain and know I am not the only one suffering in this R.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I am controlling myself beyond belief right now. I'm not sure how I'm doing it from day to day. I have played out numerous scenes in my head of what I could do to him, like something out of the Sopranos......but this just keeps me entertained and helps to cope. I grit my teeth when I think of him. Plus, my W knows that I can blow a gasket and see him if I wanted to - she doesn't want that, and made me promise to be "good".
I am trusting my W for now and taking her word that it is over between them, and we both made compromises that I would not hurt him (with his info) and she would not continue to be unfaithful. She keeps re-assuring me that she will not mess around, and has shown it by her actions. She is basically begging me to trust her. I still would like to see how this all plays out, but I too want him completely out of the picture and for her to end all ties with him for what he did. He knew my W was M, and he messed around with her any way, they both knew they did wrong!!!
I am looking ahead, it's hard to do, but there is no point in wasting my time and energy thinking of the past. It hurts when I do, but I just want to move on right now, I'm tired of fighting, and worrying, and being in a funk when I know I can have a better life. If all goes down the tubes, I know I will meet someone else and be happy. I have already tasted a bit of "freedom" from being away on my trip, and I have met other people that want to be in a committed R. At the same time I am showing my W what she will miss out on if she leaves. If that happens, then I am ready to accept it and just say to myself "good riddance!" I don't want any of this crap, but I am biding my time. I have to, I can't rush it or give ultimatums if I want her to stay.
It takes a lot of work to rebuild our R. But I believe it is worth it in the end.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Quote: see that's what I don't get. I have cut off all ties with OM... for some folks here, they'd be ecstatic
I for one would be ecstatic if "our" OM dropped out of the picture. I don't know how likely that is. But if it happened I would pour energy into our M if my W was willing. One of the frustrations of this experience is hearing about others who are at a stage I can only dream of right now, but it still isn't enough for their WAS.
I too would be one of those who would love to have OM just fade out into the blue but for some of us it just doesn't work that way. I feel bad for Affairees (new word) whose H's cannot get over the A. They don't know how lucky they are in a way.
GC, I feel for you when your H says those mean words. Don't take the following words as advise, I just want to say it. Maybe he'd think you're serious if you just disappear for a day or two and tell him to call you when he's ready to trust you. We're on different ends of the rope here so it's really difficult to say what if any will convince your H of how sorry you are.
back to my corner for now :P